Published April 17, 2009
Prologue.
I'm a Star Wars-loving, Harry Potter-reading, robot-building, nerd. The typical nerd. Hardly any friends. No girl friends. No love interests. That's me. I'm the guy you copy off of during the math tests and science tests. I'm the guy you convince to write your essays because you tell him that he is doing you the biggest favor in the world, and that you will repay him (but, of course, you never do). I'm him. The lame dumbass you all use and abuse like he's some kind of tool. Which he is, by the way.
It's so fucking typical, right? A nerdy nobody who likes Star Wars, reading, and building robots. I am good at a few “cool” things. I know how to play baseball really well, but I was to embarrassed to try out at my school because everyone thinks I'm a smart nobody who isn't fit. I'm plenty fit. I don't even think I look that nerdy. I think I'm cute, and a couple of girls have actually complimented my eyes. They're really blue. Like a super blue. I suspected the girls who complimented me were expecting me to say something back, but I didn't, nor will I ever respond to any feelings that girls at my school may have. I'd rather study my ass off than go out with those girls.
Yeah, I'm also the typical nerd in the typical way. I get straight A's and I'm in all AP classes, besides ceramics and newspaper (do they have AP for those too?).
I'm not in those classes because I want to. I kind of have to. I have to get good grades. I have to show up that stupid real estate agent, Kiyoshi Greco. That no-good, two-timing, mother-stealer. I hated him to the fullest.
Odd name for someone to have, right? Mother said that Kiyoshi is Japanese and Italian. His father was Italian and is mother was Japanese. When they had him they made an agreement: since the fathers last name was going to be his automatically, his mother got to pick his first name - her favorite name, apparently - Kiyoshi.
Mother always admired this “diversity” in Kiyoshi. I didn't understand it one bit. Here was Kiyoshi, her husband of (how old am I?) about eighteen years and she still doesn't know him.
Since that one time I walked into his office and saw him and his boss-lady having sex when I was a kid, to all the times he was drunk and told me that I was a worthless nobody who would never succeed in life (how could he have someone like me around, exuding this foul stench called failure?), she didn't notice his mean side. She didn't realize the reasons he came home late, acting like his job was that important. He was a real estate agent for god's sake! She didn't realize that he would get drunk three out of seven days of the week, come to my room and make me feel like complete and utter shit about myself (well, he used to do that. Not anymore, and if he did it wouldn't bother me one bit now.)
She didn't realize that he would screw her friends, or spend money on his sex and liquor. She was so in love with this jackass, that it made her blind and stupid. It makes me sick.
Their relationship started before I was born, and after they had me is when Kiyoshi started treating me like shit. Right from the get-go.
If you haven't guessed it by now, let me say, you are a bit slow. Kiyoshi Greco is my father.
My name is Aiden-Rudo Adil Akio Greco. Intricate, right? Kiyoshi decided that we should let the world know my African, Arabic, Japanese, and Italian heritage. Asshole. For some reason my mom didn't want me to be called Rudo, because she knew kids would make fun of me, so she added Aiden in there because it was her favorite “white boy” name. If she was so worried about the whole acceptance into society thing, I think she should have just stayed in Africa. But, no. She just had to be all rebel-bad-ass-like, and wanted to go to school in the United States. She left Africa when she was 19 and came over here, where she met my father, and they fell in love.
I thought girls were supposed to do the whole lesbian thing in college, not find the first chink they see and marry them.
Anyways, this is not about my father and I an any way (but he will come up sometimes), nor is this about school (well, its not mainly about school). This is about how I fell in love with a stripper.
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Now this reads a lot like a character sketch or a pitch for a story idea rather than the actual start to a story but I have to say that the premise is something I would definitely be interested in. This arrogant kid learning to be a better person while falling in love with a stripper sounds like it could be an amazing story if done correctly and that character that you introduce here is certainly full of development potential along with him also certainly being very memorable.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well um...stereotype much....I mean that's not a bad thing if maybe you are trying to use that exaggerated characterization to convey something but here it seems like its just being used as a standard template just because at least here in the opening. I can see you're definitely mixing it up later but then usually people will judge from the first few lines so you want to make sure those lines are getting across something a little more exciting than that.
Well that certainly seems to be rather extreme view on people. I can definitely see that this guy appears to have a pretty inflated ego and seems very full of himself. Should be a prety interesting protagonist to have because there is a lot of room for character development with this guy.
Okay a bit of odd motivation at least to me maybe because I don't quite get why that would be troubling to this person but okay, I hope we get a proper explanation eventually.
Umm...feels like information that doesn't really do anything to help out the story but sure if you really want to put an explanation in there. I do hope it at least contributes to this characterization because otherwise it really is unnecessary to put this in here.
Well that took some time getting to the explanation that reveals why this person is important and usually you do want to lead with this and then maybe the real estate and explanation about names after. At this rate initially it leads to some confusion that you don't really want.
Well I got it thank you very much Mr. Gecko or sorry I meant Mr. Greco.
Well okay that was an interesting place to end for sure. Not exactly leaving us in suspense so I assume this is I dunno a foreward or preface or something. Even as a prologue this doesn't quite fill us wit excitement although yes it does quite a few questions and I certainly would want to read on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was certainly an interesting piece but as a prologue its need a ending that's a bit more catchy. One thing I did like about the way this was written is that the narrator or in this case Aiden's POV was very memorable and it really seemed to speak to us as if he was trying very hard to tell us his story and that I think is a really good thing to have. Anyway that's all I have to say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
its okay! i was going for the whole asshole thing. I don't like him either but the stripper he falls in love with is supposed to balance him out
but yeah, thank you for the critique, it is much appreciated!
Hey,
One critique to blood you request, and so that you will get.
quote:
I'm a Star Wars-loving, Harry Potter-reading, robot-building, nerd.
Get rid of last comma.
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I know how to play baseball really well, but I was to embarrassed to try out at my school because everyone thinks I'm a smart nobody who isn't fit.
Too.
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That no-good, two-timing, mother-stealer.
Get rid of last comma.:
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I hated him to the fullest.
You changed tense out of the blue.
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His father was Italian and is mother was Japanese.
Is?
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since the fathers
Father's.
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Here was Kiyoshi, her husband of (how old am I?) about eighteen years and she still doesn't know him.
I understand that the parenthesis interference was meant to be a musing sort of pause, yes? But it just confused me, and took me a while to get it. Maybe an eclipse would do it... I don't know, experiment, leave it be, but I don't like it.
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Their relationship started before I was born, and after they had me is when Kiyoshi started treating me like shit.
Was when.
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But, no.
No comma. You could argue against, of course, and still be right, but it's just an unnecessary awkward pause. Bump, mor elike.
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not find the first chink they see and marry them.
him?
***
Well, that's that, the dreary line by line. And that done, I'll start out the more general part of the critique by saying I've developed an intense dislike toward the main character; not good.
Character, then. Character as in main character, as in the boy who fell in love with a stripper (very nice ending, by the way - that I did like). He jjust doesn't inspire sympathy, at all. I do not feel sorry about his father, I really don't. I find his attitude irksome and annoying. Arrogant, even.:
quote:
I thought girls were supposed to do the whole lesbian thing in college, not find the first chink they see and marry them.
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If you haven't guessed it by now, let me say, you are a bit slow.
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I suspected the girls who complimented me were expecting me to say something back, but I didn't, nor will I ever respond to any feelings that girls at my school may have. I'd rather study my ass off than go out with those girls.
Especially that last one. And arrogance in a main character, as with all other negative charcteristics, is refreshing, yes, but only to some extent. I could not find anything that would balance the negative side, let me see him in a better life. Abused by his father? Tough. That's my response to the story as it is, and still does not make me sorry for him. By far too sarcastic, by far too arrogant, by far too unlikable.
Count the itallics. Not literally, they're fine now, but watch out to not overdue them in the future.
From a purely connective, generaly visual but slighty grammatical POV, ending was, as was already said, very nice, beginning (in terms of drawing a reader in) also, nothing to complain about. And the very short prologue in between, giving us only a glimpse of what is to come, well-written in general. So don't get me wrong, the story as it is is fine, really. It's only a short wee prologue, making it harm to form opinions. On the other hand, once formed, they are hard to aslo - lift, so to say.
I just dislike Aiden-Rudo. Aiden, I guess.
Cheers,
Esme