Chapter 2 ~ Delivery
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
A lot of good points...I'll make sure that I fix them when I have time. Thanks!
Dang. I read it too fast. Now I have to wait until the next chapter, lol!
A little awkward worrding here and there. It didn't seem like a story; it just seemed like a series of events. Does that make sense?
Could you build a little more on Jagger? he seems like a jerk who's stuck on himself, and I'd like to see more of that. And since he seems more like his mother's favorite than his father's favorite, why not have a beaming mother behind him when the egg comes instead of his father? Because you described the dad as an understanding person.
Great job overall, though! tell me when the next chapter comes out! ;D
Interesting story, though I think you should edit and reread it for some awkward wording and dialogue.
"chestnut colored eyes" could be "chestnut eyes"
"what you were" could be "were you were"
In the paragraph about her rage you seemed a bit wordy:
For example "her fury was too much for her to handle" could be
"her fury exploded" There are other sentences and phrases like this; I suggest changing them a little.
"...and a shot of blinding golden light came out and hit Mazur..."
could be
"...from which a ray of golden light erupted, striking Mazur..."
Just look for things like these but other than this awesome story, can't wait to read the next part.