This is continuing from Prologue: The Golden Egg
Chapter 1 :The News
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for all your help!
The others have said pretty much all that needs to be said, but htere's one teeny tiny little spelling mistake....
It's eavesdropping, not ease. Ease means to relax. Otherwise, it wasn't too bad.
~Chibi
I agree with the others as well, but you really need to drop the modern language. It doesn't fit in with your descriptions and other language. For instance, your 'wows' and 'okays' really break the mood. Just a suggestion! Keep it up, though...I'll look out for more.
It was good, but I agree with Lilyy03. The whole eggs and riders thing has already been done. It's a good start though, and I look foward to reading more. Keep up the good work.
A few little mistakes I spotted--
You don't need to use "pain" twice; you can leave it out the second time, as it's evident why she winces.
I think you mean "arm"?
Surely. Surly means sullen.
Where.
I don't think you need "her" there (unless you're trying to indicate a close relationship between the two..)
Chores.
"Small" three times in two sentences is a bit much.
Isn't it knee-length skirt? I've heard knee-high mostly in reference to boots.
Did you mean trolls? (Though paying fees might be scary too
A note about punctuation in dialog (there are some mistakes throughout this): be sure to put a comma after the words being spoken, if the sentence continues. Such as here (I corrected it in blue):
And here:
There should be a period after "now", "she" should be capitalized. There should be a period after "house", and "it's" should be capitalized.
I haven't yet gotten a chance to read through the rest of it yet... So far I havta say it seems a little cliche--a young person who's different from everyone else, and has a mysterious scar, wanting to defy the protocols of their time and place, longing for adventure. And... eggs and Riders? That sounds a bit too Eragon-esque for my taste.
It's not to say I don't like this--you have some good characters in here. Jagger is especially well-portrayed as being smug and obnoxious.
If you read it over carefully, you could probably correct most of the incorrect words and punctuation.