Published April 14, 2008
What do I do when you say you don't care?
And the pain is far too deep for me to bear.
I wonder will you even notice I am gone?
Will you come to my funeral to say so long?
Will you see me in my coffin, and kiss my head?
It's hurts to know the only kiss ill get from you, is when I'm dead.
But why did it have to be this way?
It was you, nobody else, who got me from day to day.
To know you are with somebody else, much pain it brings.
It always hurts when I hear about those kinds of things
Do you not love me because the way I wear my hair?
I would go bald if you want me to, if it makes you care.
I really hope you will read this letter?
If you would of only given me, a chance to show you I could have treated you better.
Better than all the other guys who you chose instead of me
God, I told you, that we were meant to be.
There's something about you that makes me feel so good.
If I could get over you, trust me, I most certainly would.
I cannot put in plain words on how I am feeling.
My heart is on fire, it is not to appealing.
It feels like Ive died a thousand times inside
Holding you a little closer, just a little more in my mind.
Ever time I see you with another guy, I die again.
But I would die a million times, if we could just be friends.
It is getting hard to count all the times my hearts has torn.
I really wish sometimes, that I wasn't even born.
Someone please tell me what this torture is for.
I really don't want to love you anymore.
So it's now that I sit in my bed.
It will be here tomorrow where they will find me dead.
This cut in my wrist is getting pretty deep.
I've got a picture of you in my hand; it's the one you said I could keep.
Now the blood is going every where, I wish you could see.
All of this could have been avoided if you had just loved me.
I haven't said all I have to say, so I have to hurry.
It's getting hard to breath now, and my visions going blurry.
So I can't really see your pretty little smile.
Don't worry my life will be over in just a little while.
I'm going to take these last few minutes to sit back and reminisce.
I'm sorry but the last line I can write will be this.
PS. At my funeral don't forget my kiss.
SO this poem was NOT written by me, it was by a friend who didnt want to post it on this site. I said i would do it, so please critisize it, i tried making changes i thought he needed but just one person isnt enough... thnk you*
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This is the first emo love peom I saw on this site. Emo because it laced with cliched self pity and love because he is dangorusly in love witha girl that will never love him. Personally I hate emo poems, too pathetic. It's not half- bad. I would call it finished though.
Okay... I echo everyone else. This isn't a poem it isn't even original. The whole poem a big mess of gawking cliches. So what! I don't care he killed himself because of love. You need to tell the person to show not tell. Otherwise this is another run of the mill teen angst poem. There was one tiny bit of merit. I suggest for this line :"PS: At my funeral don't kiss me." That could be part of an amazing poem. For that line was the only one which had strong showing feelings. You need to learn about langauge techniques. Overall: The only line which had any intrest to me was the last. Hope this helps your friend.
Good luck
VSN
It was oookay... Your puncuation was way off, which made it even harder to read. I don't believe I saw a single apostrphe. Other than that, the thing was way too long. It needs to be cut down a ton.
great
poem, it really touched me
keep it that way!!
HOYL CRAP!!!! THATS__WOW!! jeese that was really goooD!!! jsut the right balance of love and sadness!
hey thanx for the critques.. and i completely agree like i said it is my friends.. but i never liked it a whole lot i thought the whole idea was cliche... a guy killing himself over a girl... nothing really original... ill see how me nd him can fix it even though it looks almost impossible...
This was very.... well there is no word for it. I can see that you tried to make it flow, but in some areas it it just didn't flow at all.
I am going to have to agree with OverEasy "I'm going to take these last few minutes to sit back and reminisce.
I'm sorry but the last line I can write will be this." That confused me a bit.
All I can say is keep trying. You will get better
wow...i'm sorry, but that is just...lame. there was virtually no flow, the whole thing was a jumbled mess of questions, and overeasy was right--you really have to make this less...gunky. it wasn't so bad towards the end, but still..for a few lines i was like "how much more of this do i have to read?"
i can't really recommend much you could change about it to make it better..but i can say this: don't write another poem like this one, and i'm sure you'll do better. xD
hope that last one didn't sting too much! keep writing.
Ok so the first thing I notice here is that it's very cliche. Love poems are hard to do while keeping them different from every other love poem. The main thing to keep in mind here is word choice. Meet the thesaurus, it will become a good friend to you if you let it.
The second thing you need to think about is changing the tone of this poem, right now all you do is tell, you show us very little. I see a large jumble of questions that are thrown together and called a poem, and you drastically need more. Keep in mind poetic flow, and having your own point of view.
Right now it sounds like a bad attempt at a country song, work on it
Also the last line really threw me off, like it was thrown in as a last minute thought. That's all.
Good Luck
OverEasy