Hello Gwen!

I am ILoveBooks123!

Happy Review Day by the way!

Shall we continue on with the review?

You know, you remind me of someone I know. And she has the same name as you! *Gasp* can you believe it?! She really into poems, art and music. She like to express herself through those. And i think you are just like her! You express so much on this poem! I hope we get along.

What is the genre of your poem, may I ask? I dont think I can consider it as a angst one. But I can consider it as being realistic or teen fiction. Because seriously, most teens experience this. As they want to stay on their dreams and wont wake up because they find themselves being happy more in fantasy than reality.

Shall we go to criticizing everything? Okay then...

Like this:

I meet you in my dreams,

Should that be...

I met you in my dreams?

*********

Another one....

You put your arms round me,

But I have to let you go.

My only problem with this line is...

"You put your arms round me," Maybe simplify it by,"You put your arms around me,"

*********
I also realize that you repeat this stanza twice:

"Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

I hate to leave you though I must."

Okay I know I know. You probably just say that its a way for you to express your own opinion and format of the poem. Ignore me. I'm just criticizing after all and its your poem not mine. I dont mind after all. So ignore me

Anyway speaking of format, I like it too.

Same goes to the rhyming. It's so good!

Also I just have to remind you about watch out for your punctuation marks. But think about it first. "Do I need to put a comma or a period on this line?" Or "Should I need this?" Think of it deeply and carefully. So you can write everything well.

But I have to say this is organize. And well written.

You inspire and give readers interest about this.

Continue writing wonderful poems though!

That's all I can say...I am blabbering so many. And sorry for the long review. I couldn't just help it

-ILoveBooks123

your poem is really beautifull i really enjoyed the "Dust to dust" part, it gave it an oldies vibe, but just one thing about the "In something more than my sweet reverie" part it doesn't rhyme, i don't know that you intended this but you can use something like " In something more than a sweet relief ", keep up the good work !

your poem is really beautiful, i mean it. it has an old lyrical touch and modern approach. however i would suggest a few nitpicks -
"But you’re a gilded cage,

Trapped in the sweetest dream," i think you may write it as " you're in a gilded" as i guess she exists in a trapped world unable to come out- that is why she traps you.
"Not the world of dreams,"- this line is too direct, the art is to say things without actually telling it. i suggest you can as well write- "not in the land of dimmed light" or something similar as you want to express.
you needn't have added the title in the poem itself as it already appears at the top.
keep writing as you got good potential.
Rituparna

Hi, Gwen!

This is a great poem for so many reasons. It's a joy to read and review.

First of all, your use of rhyming is masterful. Sometimes rhyme can make a poem sound "juvenile" or "irritating", but here it makes your writing sound... eerie. It's awesome!

Okay, down to the nitpicks!

1. This may just be YWS being weird YWS, but it would be great if you separated your stanzas slightly more clearly. It took me a second to realize that you repeated the refrain,

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

How I hate to leave you though I must.

How I hate to leave you though I must.

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

How I hate to leave you,

Though I must.

"Ashes to ashes,

dust to dust,

how I hate to leave you,

though I must.

Hi gwen! First of all, welcome to YWS! I really love the way you formatted your poem, it makes it more than just a post on the website- more of an actual poem, if that makes sense. I also enjoy the repetition of "ashes to ashes/ dust to dust/how I hate to leave you though I must" although I found the first two lines to be a bit cliche, but I understand why you chose those words within the context of the poem, so I wouldn't change it. Something I think you did really well was getting a melancholy tone in the words, but in a sweet, nostalgic way. This was strongest when you had simple lines, such as "how I hate to leave you though I must." So I would recommend emulating that within the other lines of the poems that seem to be a little convoluted, such as:

"I leave you to find you,
In the world of life,
Not the world of dreams,
I free myself to be with you"

Although the meaning is understood, it could be more concise, which would in turn make the rhythm of the poem be more natural and the tone more powerful. So I guess, play more on the "I can't stay in my dreams" feeling that you build up earlier in the poem. Maybe don't even mention that there's a possibility of finding this person (or symbolically, true love) in reality. In my opinion, the line "I free myself to be with you" takes a lot of the power and melancholy-ness out of the poem because the reader realizes that the sympathy they feel for this character is kind of false because the character is basically getting what they want either way. So I would recommend changing those four lines to delve more into the decision this character must face: a sad reality or a false bliss?

Although whatever you do please don't change the line "in something more than my sweet reverie" because I love that line so much.

A couple more things:

The sixth line: add a ' before "round" since you're taking out the "a" in front.

The whole poem: Take away the commas unless they would be there in an actual sentence! In poems, commas are used to slow the reader down, so when you have a comma between lines like "I cannot imprison myself,/In my own dreams," it makes it sound really awkward when it would sound much better as just "I cannot imprison myself/In my own dreams." (note that I added a period because the next line is a new idea/sentence). I'm going to rewrite the poem with my own punctuation suggestions (which in no way you need to take):

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

I hate to leave you though I must.

I meet you in my dreams

You, who* I do not know.

You put your arms 'round me,

But I have to let you go.

I wish to stay with you,

But you’re a gilded cage**

Trapped in the sweetest dream

But trapped all the same.

I cannot imprison myself

In my own dreams***.

That’s why I've got to say

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

How I hate to leave you though I must.

I leave you to find you

In the world of life,

Not the world of dreams.

I free myself to be with you

In something more than my sweet reverie.

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust,

How I hate to leave you though I must.

* Grammatically, this should be 'who.' Use 'whom' after a preposition.
**This line is a little confusing. Is the cage trapped, or is it trapping the character? Or is their true love trapped in the gilded cage?
***I would actually change this line to make it sound better. Maybe something like
"I cannot imprison myself
In my own dreams and so
I must say,"

Just a suggestion. Although if you take it then you can ignore the punctuation suggestion within the poem at that spot.

Sorry that this is really long, I hope you find some of this helpful! If you decide to take any of my suggestions and want me to take another look, just ask me on my profile! Goodbye!