Squeaking swings and tall grass
Lying on the ground, watching the world pass
Shadows cast and clouds move
Creating darkness to calm and sooth
I hear the school bell dinging
Already my head is ringing
Outside the wind blows through orange flowers
They’re glistening from light showers
Empty then full cars come and go
Once across the street I slow
Listening to the birds twitter away
In forest green I know I cannot stay
Wind blows through orange flowers
Glistening from light showers
The world starts to pass in a blur
And then I hear her
A voice carried across the street
Sounding so sorrowful, so bittersweet
All that’s left are the tears on her guitar
And remains of love, tracked in a huge scar
And as the guitar is softly strummed
A pain is slowly numbed
Replaced by memories of old
Leaving me so empty, so cold
Wind blows through orange flowers
Glistening from the light showers
Her lover calls from beyond the grave
Trying to rescue, trying to save
But only deepening the scars
And making her track more
Tears on her guitar
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I think it's funny how everyone says that it reminds them of Taylor Swift even though then only thing in common is the title. It isn't even the same storyline!!
I am in a hurry, so I can't give detailed commentary, but you have great creativity and great descriptions and sensability but you need to work on your rhythm, especially the last stanza.
Good work, keep writing!
-KK
I thought it was a little bit Taylor Swift too though.
My favorite line was "All that’s left are the tears on her guitar, And remains of love, tracked in a huge scar."
It was very pretty. Your a pretty good writer, deffinently for being a new member (I read that thing under your username ;]) Good luck on future writing and I think you could deffiently get far in life.
Great Job =]
This is a beautiful poem! Absolutely fantastic!
It's "soothe". With an "e" on the end.
Dinging? I know you needed a rhyme for ringing, but "dinging" is not a word, and furthermore bells ring, not ding.
This poem moves very slowly. At the beginning the reader thinks the poem is about the persona, but only at the end do they discover that it's not. The focus point is the girl with tears on her guitar, and yet most of the poem focuses on the persona. You need to bring the poem straight to the focus point as soon as possible, not like this, where you have moved slowly up to the focus point, then rushed through it once there.
It's a very good poem!
I don't know, I like it but some rhyming parts were forced.
Once across the street I slow
It doesn't really makes sense to me.
I also didn't get what was it about.
If you can mail me.
If you will tell me and I will understand I will admit that I am wrong.
But I still liked the poem.
I liked this one.
My favorite line was:
The imagery there was beautiful.
Okay, lets get down to the nitty-gritty.
Your punctuation...where was it?
I know, I hate it, too. But unfortunately, its a must.
For example:
"Empty, then full, cars come and go,
Once across the street I slow,
Listening to the birds twitter away,
In forest green; I know I cannot stay."
See? Its not too hard. You can use it to help your tempo, and make things clearer.
The rhythm is off right here. I'd redo that second line if I were you.
I don't know if you noticed, but you changed from present tense to past tense.
Pick one - and stick with it.
Just wondering...how do you track tears?
You can cry, you can drip them, but I've never heard of tracking them.
All in all, a pretty good poem.
Especially for your first one.
Keep up the good work!
Oh, and welcome to YWS!
this is really good.
I really liked it, it reminds me of the song by taylor swift though.
I'm guessing thats where you got the idea from?
anyway, its really good. keep up the good work.
I would like to mention that we have a 2:1 polocy, meaning you have to have atleast two reviews for every story or poem. Seeing this is your first post, I'm sure you didn't know that. But, now you do, so please try to review some before your next post!:)
PM me for anything