Published September 29, 2010
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….“Bree! Hurry up! We’re losing him!” My best friend, Mariah, hollered over the conversations of the other people in the swimming pool. We were chasing our oldest and best friend in the water; Ben. But, considering that I can’t swim, technically, she was chasing him, and I was hobbling slowly but surely in the water. By the time I got there, Mariah was clung piggy-back on him, them both laughing. “Come on Bree!” she said, motioning over, and smiling.
“I know really Bree, You’re missing all of the fun.” Ben said, flashing a white-toothed smile over to me. I smiled back. Life was good, and I mean really good. School was out, summer was in, and it was just me and my friends hanging at our community pool, Greensburg Pool and Tennis.
….I looked back at my friends. Ben was still laughing, but Mariah was looking odd at something behind me. Her mouth was hanging open a little bit, her eyes wide, and her cheeks were bright red. I turned around and saw destiny. There stood my crush Keegan, towel slung on shoulder, nonchalantly walking around the pool. His brown hair was sticking up in many directions, like he just woke up. Even from far away, his blue eyes shone brightly in the harsh sunlight. I’ve liked him ever since kindergarten, but he hasn’t even given me one second glance. He set his towel and stuff down on a chair… a chair right next to mine. Then, he took his shirt off and dove in the water.
….Embarrassed, I swam over to Ben and Mariah and started to push Mariah off Ben’s back so I could jump on. “Hey!” she said, as she fell off and made a big splash. I jumped on his back and he spun around in circles. But, for some reason, this moment felt really awkward. But, how could it be? I’ve known Ben since preschool. I’ve always felt comfortable around him. “Hey guys.” a voice said from behind us. We all turned around to see Keegan staring at us oddly. I couldn’t speak. Luckily, Ben spoke for me. “Sup Keegan. Where’s Monica?”
“Dumped her.” he said in the most casual tone. I looked at him like he was crazy. He goes through girlfriends like a writers goes through lead in a mechanical pencil. He’s a major player when it comes to girls. Which is why I always ask myself why I like him so much?
“Dude, you just got together with her last week. Why not pick one and stay with one?”
“I don’t know. She just didn’t like how I was talking to her best friend. She thought I was ‘cheating and she just couldn’t take it’. Psft, whatever. Plus, I got my eyes on another girl.”
“Who?” Ben asked.
“I’ll tell you if things go good. I’m asking her out today.” he looked around, probably scouting the lucky one out. Mariah popped out of the water. How did that girl hold her breath for so long?
“Hey Keegan!” she said smiling widely.
“Sup Mariah! How’s it going?”
“Good, just hanging out with Bree and Ben.”
“Cool, um” he looked around awkwardly, “Do you, um, wanna get a soda at the pool’s café?”
“I’d love too! I’ll be back guys.” she said towards our direction, but not letting her eyes off of Keegan. ….They both swam away talking and laughing. Ben looked up at me and sighed. He knew how much I liked him, and he always made fun of me for it. But, he knew that I was in no mood for him to be saying anything “funny” about it. “Sorry.” he said, as I got off his back. “That was real low for her to do that, with you right here.” Ain’t that the truth. “But I wouldn’t worry about it, they’re just getting a soda, and nothing more.” Heh, I wish that could be the truth. But, sadly, the world doesn’t work that way. And, no matter how many “Don’t worry about its” that Ben says, I know that it would be way more than just a drink at the café.
….Life goes on, and gets worse. It’s official, and all over the texting world; Mariah’s going out with Keegan. But, being the friend that I am, I put on a happy face, and do as the old saying says; grin and bear it. But, now that she’s dating him, she’s drifted apart from Ben and I. She’s always with Keegan and his group of friends, the populars. She never speaks to us, and never comes over anymore. Days turn into weeks, and they are still together. Just break my heart more, Mariah, just keep on breaking it. The only good thing about this is that Ben and I have gotten closer.
“Hey Bree!” a voice says from behind me. I stop my bike and look around to see a boy in my grade, Spencer run up.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“I was just wondering where Mariah is. Don’t you guys hang out all the time?”
“Not anymore.” I said quietly.” She’s probably with her boyfriend and his posse.”
“B-boyfriend?” he stutters out. “When did she get a boyfriend?”
“A few weeks ago. She’s going out with Keegan.”
He whistled. “Wow. Talk about one back-stabbing girl.” I sighed. Spencer was one of the lucky few that I had told that I liked Keegan.
“Yeah…”
“I’m serious, who would really go that low?” He patted my arm. “I wouldn’t sweat it. Mariah’s hot. She’ll find another guy that’s just as good looking as Keegan is.”
“Thanks, I guess. I’ll see ya later.” I sat back on my bike and rolled away. I stared at the cracks as I rolled along. That was the 5th time that some guy had said Mariah was hot to my face without taking it back. I’ve never felt so…so….ugly in my life. I felt a teardrop working it’s way down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. Can life can any more worse than this?
“Is it Robert?” Ben asked, looking over his Guess Who game. We were in my bedroom, sitting on the floor playing Guess Who.
“Yep.” I said, resetting my board. He was staring at me.
“You okay Bree? You don’t sound so enthusiastic. Something on your mind?” I looked at any other place but his face.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I lied through my teeth. I was most certainly not fine. My best friend was going out with the guy that I liked.
“I can tell you’re lying. Please tell me. Is it Mariah?” That triggered the tears.
….I broke down, right then and there. I cried like I never had before. The tears flowed freely and willingly. I felt an arm around my shoulder. Ben. Then, I began to ramble.
“It’s not just Keegan and Mariah, Ben. It’s everything! The world just hates me right now! Why can’t I just be like Mariah and have guys fall over me left and right? Why can’t I be rich like her? Why can’t I just be happy and not some loser who sits at home all day? Why can’t I be beautiful? I’m ugly! I hate the way I look! I will never be pretty!” I stopped talking and broke into tears again. Ben was awfully quiet, probably wishing he could be anywhere, but here. Then, he spoke the words that have changed my life forever. “Bree, shut up. Why do you think like that? Ok, so you’re not tall and blonde, but that doesn’t make you ugly. And maybe you aren’t with Keegan, but that’s because he doesn’t deserve you, not because you’re ugly. You’re just as beautiful as Mariah, even though you may not think so. But, I think you’re beautiful.” He looked taken aback as he said the last sentence. He stared at me. “Bree, I’ve loved you ever since we met. I always have and I always will. And I’ll probably never be Keegan, but I love you, and I wish you were with me. I really do. And then, maybe the day will come when you realize that Keegan isn’t the one for you… and I’m the one that deserves you. Not the one who treats girl like they’re candy.” He looked at me, hoping to find a message in my hazel eyes. But, he couldn’t before I said something. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be thinking that I’m less than someone else. I don’t deserve some jerk like him. I need you.” I smiled and leaned over the game to kiss him. His lips were soft and his hand found my hair. It was the most amazing experience ever; knowing that someone loved me. And I loved him, knowing that no matter what, I would love him for who he was, and not about looks.
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
I absolutely loved this! Other than what was said above, about grammar and all that, it was perfect! Yes the ending was rushed, but if you drag it out just a little bit more it really will be perfect. Keep up the great work!
*presses like button*
great job!
awww. So adorable. I like how it ends up being her best friend she falls in love with and not her secret crush since kindergarten. Very situationally ironic. I totally despise girls like Mariah: girls who flaunt themselves in front of guys who they know their bestfriends like. It was totally cute how she and ben got closer and fell in love with eachother.
My best advice for this piece: well, just keep on writing because you really have something here, girl.
Keep your creativity going
----ASH
Wow. This. Is Great. I. Loved. It. SO MUCH!!!
Alzora
Good work! I liked Bree, she seems pretty sympathetic. But what I thought was rushed about the ending was the way that Bree could in such a short time, after having as I get it had a crush on Keegan for years, just switch over to Ben. I think if that was real love about Keegan, she would have to consider it for a while before kissing Ben, even though she might have loved him for a while and simply not admitted it to herself.
Otherwise, this looks like a good kind of holiday read!
The word beautiful is different to many people. Something that is beautiful to one person could be hideous to another person. But no matter what someone thinks, you still go with your gut and believe that truly, whatever or whomever it is, is beautiful. Right?
Excellant way to start off this novel. Keep up the great work.
-broadwaystar
hello GiutarGirl. Here to review!
To tell you the truth, I loved this! It's so cute! I don't wanna repeat anything so I'll just say I agree with the writers above me, because I do agree with them. They say pretty much what I wanted to say. Keep Writing!
Nike
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
Nawwww, that was cute. :3 It's always nice to read a story where the nice guys end up together.
I found this alternating between Ben saying stuff and the narrator making comments a little difficult to read somehow. I guess it's because inbetween bits of dialogue you usually either have a "he said" type thing or some action by the person speaking. To me the comments Bree makes just break up the dialogue and don't really add anything. Also, if you have a character speaking what's usually done is to put a comma at the end of each fragment of dialogue and a full-stop only at the end, if you know what I mean. So it would begin:
"That was real low for her to do that, with you right here,” Ain’t that the truth. “But I wouldn’t worry about it, they’re just getting a soda, and nothing more.”
You occasionally slip into the present tense:
Also, in places, such as the ending, the dialogue is all squidged together in one paragraph which makes it difficult to read. Remember to start a new line each time someone new starts speaking.
Nitpicks aside, I thought this was a sweet story. Still, I do think there are a few ways you could improve:
Showing not telling - This doesn't happen that much, but there are places where instead of showing how a character feels, or what happens, you just state it instead, which is not nearly as interesting a way of telling a story. For example, this paragraph:
Interesting plot developments, but I bet this part of the story would be much more interesting if you wrote a scene with character interactions to demonstrate that Maria's drifted away, that Bree is miserable, that on the plus side Bree and Ben have got closer. It would give you a chance to further develop the characters as well.
Characters - For a short story, the characters are all developed pretty well and all the friendships are believable. Still, I think there are some that could be fleshed out more. As I said above, if there was some way at hinting at the fact that Ben is in love with Bree it would make the storyline more consistent. And with Keegan, you certaintly give the impression that he's a jerk well, but Bree seems fairly sensible and surely there must be some reason why she's fixated on him for all these years? Some quality about him, maybe he's funny or charming or something, that means that in spite of his drifting from girl to girl, Bree still likes him? I'm not saying you should make him into a saint, but there usually is a reason why people fall for others, even mistakenly.
Ending - You're right, the ending did seem a little rushed. It would help if you sorted out the formatting of the dialogue, but apart from that, while it was cute it felt quite predictable. So, she ends up with the guy who's been there all along. I think this would work if you had a few hints spread throughout that Ben liked Bree and wanted to be with her, so that when he confesses his love it feels believable instead of an random, out of the blue confession. Bree might not see it at first but that doesn't mean the reader can't. And it might help as well if you described what Bree's feeling more when Ben confesses his love.
So, it's a nice story but I'm sure you can make it into something better.
PM me if you have any questions or anything, and keep writing!
Hello, guitargirl. (I love your name by the way) I'll be reviewing your short story for today. Here it goes...
The quote at the beginning is cute. Yes, I agree with that. Now on with the story.
I've noticed some wrong placing of punctuations. I've noticed that you uses too much ellipses. The ellipses at the first part of the paragraphs is kind of unnecessary really, so if I were you, I'd take those out.
I'll point out the other "mis-punctuations" in red font, ok?
Hope I helped.