There’s a canker in my brain.
It pierces here and here.
They think I am insane.
I see a doctor again
Who sees nothing when they peer.
There’s a canker in my brain.
Soon I shall be slain
And who shall shed a tear?
They think I am insane.
Woman I wax and wane.
You are all blind, I am the seer.
There’s a canker in my brain.
I choose the path of shame.
I’ll leave a dirty smear.
They think I am insane.
Now everything is rain.
It is coming very near.
There’s a canker in my brain.
I think I am insane.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
'Ello, it's Cello here to review! Happy review day!
Usually I focus on many things in a review but I'd rather just talk to you about rhyme scheme and stanzas.
Even when a work is not split into stanzas (as it should be) a reader tends to mentally make stanzas on their own, whether they realize it or not. I suggest that you make the stanzas on your own, separating them with blank lines, and they help to keep a steady flow and they keep poems organized. Since the work I'm currently reviewing has no stanzas though, I will have to show you what I personally viewed as stanzas.
After close inspection, this is what I found to be the first stanzas. Five lines, ABACB. Maybe ABAAB, depending on your pronunciation of 'again'. (I'm sure that you're familiar with the whole letter system when it comes to rhyme scheme but if not here's a simple video explaining everything~ http://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is ... -quiz.html ) Your rhyme scheme isn't a normal one but that's not a big deal. You don't run into problems until the next 'stanza'.
This section feels likes a stanza but there's something wrong here. Four lines, AABA. Even if extend it to five lines (including the next line in the poem), you then have AABAB, which doesn't match the first rhyme scheme. Now, you might be thinking 'It rhymes and that's all that matters. Why won't this reviewer just shut up already?'. I've worked with a lot of people who feel this way. The thing about rhyming poetry is that it brings a certain rhythm with it. Readers begin to expect something in the work they're reading. They expect a rhyme or they expect to not have a rhyme. Changing things up on them and switching the patterns is extremely distracting and really makes the readers focus on the rhyming more than they focus on the real content of the work. By switching up the rhyme scheme, you're cheating yourself of the readers that could be taking in the meaning of your work as they are instead being distracted by your rhymes.
I think you're getting my point by now. Five lines, ABAAB.
Five lines, AABAA. Now, you could argue that I'm getting the stanzas are wrong but it's clearly either four or five lines to a stanza and you have nineteen lines which cannot be properly divided by either number. Something's off.
(Another link if you're not sure how to make stanzas http://examples.yourdictionary.com/stanza-examples.html ) (I would like to mention that this link does show different length stanzas in the same poem, which is fine, but with the constant rhyming in this poem, equal length stanzas would be the best.)
This poem has potential but it also has a long way to go. Don't hesitate to message me if you need help working through the rhyming and stanza making for this poem.
Keep it up!
-ChocolateCello
Hey, it's Summer here to review your poem. I enjoyed reading your work - I appreciated that it was humorous, but truthful at the same time. I also really enjoyed the repetition you used - it was almost ominous and it made me feel as if I was watching your character unravel.
However, on the note of repetition, I felt like there wasn't much connecting your poem, other than the repetition. A lot of the lines felt disjointed from one another - almost like a bunch of ideas loosely related to each other. I would strive to make the ideas presented in your poem flow together more clearly. For example the lines "Now everything is rain. It coming very near." don't fit together super well. Also, maybe elaborate on what everything being rain means? That line seemed like it was randomly interjected and maybe not too well thought out. Or maybe your ideas are not coming across as intended?
In addition, I would elaborate on the line "Woman I wax and wane." - I think this is really clever, beautiful phrasing, but I'm not sure if I fully understand what you are trying to say in this line. I'd elaborate on the "You are blind, I am the seer." This line grasped my attention, but then all of a sudden you were moving on to the next thing and I felt a little bit unsatisfied. I enjoy the idea of someone who thinks they are a prophet of sorts - but think about what they are prophesizing and how this affects your character. If you're trying to portray someone as insane, make it believable - at this point I feel like you're just scratching the surface of insanity.
Now let's talk about your rhyme scheme - at times it felt rather forced. For example the use of the word "slain." That word really sticks out and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, especially because the other vocabulary you use is fairly colloquial. I would focus more on the idea of knowing you will die or at least believing you're going to rather than trying to rhyme a word with brain. The former is much more interesting than the latter.
Overall, amazing work!! Your ideas are very captivating and I enjoyed the repetition and short lines. However, there are places you definitely could elaborate, add in more ideas, and more effectively connect your ideas together.
~ Summer
Hi Guinea Pig Girl,
Thank you for your poem, and May the Fourth be with you! There's some really good stuff here, but it feels incomplete. It might help if "canker" had some synonyms, so that we can understand better what the speaker is thinking and feeling.
I was a little confused by the word "canker," because google says it's a shallow sore in the mouth. What might be cool would be to use the mouth as a metaphor for some function of the mind. (i.e., "There's a canker in my brain / it unsettles my stomach / and it stops my words.")
Keep writing!
Kat