Sonnet 73.5
From the Young Man to Shakespeare
Thou flinch from me as if it were not right
To love me with the days thou still possess;
Thou glance at me as if I will take flight,
And leave thy bow’r, go build another nest.
Thy fading self has set my soul alight.
Now let me not endure hell’s heat alone!
If love is wrong curse all that is called right!
Two flames joined, though brief, glow brighter than one.
Let me bathe in these last rays of thy light,
Then treasure them all in the coming years.
Let me hold thy hand in the gath’ring night;
Thy breath ‘gainst my cheek, thy words in my ear.
O that I had shared the days since thy birth!
And could now follow thee into the earth.
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Canary word: Present
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Hello, guineapiggirl! I'm here to review your poem on this fine review day.
I think this is a nice idea-- I like it when poets find inspiration from other poetry enough to respond in kind. I really liked the passion in it, too. The last line is a nice closer, and sums it all up nicely.
That being said, the form of the sonnet requires a lot more thought than you might think. While you have your 10 syllables per line, as is often the case with iambic pentameter, you don't have the meter down quite yet.
An iamb is a pair of syllables that are unstressed and then stressed. Think of the word "away." You put the emphasis on the second syllable, so this word is an iamb, or iambic foot.
Penta means five. So iambic pentameter means five iambic feet. Five pairs of syllables in an unstressed stressed pattern. Some of your lines follow this. The last line does it very well.
I'll illustrate with colors. Black is unstressed, red is stressed.
Some of your other lines aren't so nicely done with the meter.
It actually starts out as a troche, which is a reversal of an iamb: a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed. But then the line gets off meter, so there's an awkward moment where two syllables in a row are unstressed.
The technique to find all the places where you got off meter is to try to read them in iambic pentameter, out loud. That's what I did. If it sounds strange or unnatural to say in iambic pentameter, the line should be reworded. Shakespearean sonnets are almost exclusively in iambic pentameter (occasionally with a troche, but it's usually the whole line, and those are rare and more in his plays than sonnets), so I'd go back and try to make it as true to form as possible.
I hope that this review proved useful to you! I like the language that you use to portray passion, and when your meter is on point, it's really good. Iambic pentameter can be hard sometimes, so let me know if you have any questions about it! Happy writing!
Thank you for all these lovely reviews! You're right about all of the iambic pentameter, of course. But it is so hard to do!
It's a very good trial at sonnet. I really liked your use of imagery and at places it was really mature . specially your thought where two candles combine to make a brighter light is really stunning. Coming to the nitpickingbpart - Shakespearian sonnet is an art form. It isn't always necessary that it makes use of old English . your use of the work "thou" was a little over done . and it presented a particular error of blend of ages where you are using both old English as well as modern English language. While both serves as luxarious assest to your poem using both at same work is a grammatical error. Iuggest you write in modern English as it is more relatable and understandable .
All in all as a poem your work was really good. Keep writing nd explore your true potential
Keep writing
Rituparna.