He waited until 5 o’ clock to make his reply.
Too late for me to wonder whether he
Answered me furtively, upon his lunchbreak,
Or secretly in class, like a naughty schoolboy.
Too early for me to imagine that he hid me from
His lover’s view, the lover who he had made sure I saw
In the photo on his keyring, whose jeans he said he wore when
He stared pointedly at me.
Not in that dim time of the evening when better thought
Is muddied from lack of sleep and blood rushes to
The loins, so I would not imagine him thinking of me,
However tamely, as he lay in bed.
5 o’ clock, most chaste of hours.
His answer was encouraging – of my ambitions.
Interested – in my wellbeing.
Polite. Kind. Brief.
The subtext was there. And the subtext screamed:
I have a girlfriend.
We have a house.
We have a dog.
You are seventeen.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there, guineapiggirl!
This part is a bit wordy. The "who he had" is hard to say out loud. Perhaps you could word this differently? I would say something like, "the lover he made sure I saw." It means the same thing, but it's more straightforward, and without that tongue twister in the middle.I liked this a lot more than I thought I was going to. I read the description, and I thought it was going to be rather mushy and self-pitying, but I really like that you focus on the other person. Your word choice is well thought out, as well. Nice work.
That being said, there are a few things that caught my attention as needing improvement.
The first thing I'm going to talk about is capitalization. You capitalize this poem traditionally, which is fine-- you capitalize the first letter of every line. Some poems do well with this, especially rhyming poetry. However, I think it would help the tone if you capitalized this the way you would capitalize prose. Only proper nouns and beginnings of sentences. It has a different feel, one that's more down to earth. That's important in a poem like this, that dreams impossible dreams. But you're the poet, and that's up to you.
You mention that he has a girlfriend. He's wearing his girlfriend's jeans? And he's a teacher? I'm imagining very skinny jeans on a teenage boy, and this is a strange image to reconcile with a teacher. Perhaps something else might work. A bracelet, perhaps, or a pin?
This is shoving the meaning in the readers' faces. I think the last four lines would benefit if they were in italics, and you took out this line. While it might seem that that's the exact wording of the email, it is in the email-- it's the subtext. But telling the reader that it's the subtext is a bit much. Let them figure out that it's subtext, don't tell them.
Overall, I liked reading and reviewing this for you. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!
Thank you again for this review! Again, loads of super helpful tips for me! I am definitely going to look at my capitalisation after your reviews. I agree with you about the two lines to do with the girlfriend as well. They were very much lifted from my personal experience and the jeans thing made more sense in context - it hasn't transferred to the poem. I'll think about changing it to something more universal! Thank you again
I thought this was quite interesting, especially since I have had somewhat of a same experience. I mean, granted, I never contacted him outside of class, and I kept enough distance, but I can really feel where this character is coming from.
I totally get the whole, "what time is he answering? What could that possibly mean??" thing. I do that literally all the time with the majority of my friends.
Those last lines... I won't lie and say that they crushed me, but I will say that they put me in my place, gently. As if I, the reader, were the person, and the words were coming from someone else to remind me who I was at the time.
The only real critique, if you could call it that, I have you should take with a grain of salt. I preface this with "I am not a poet." and "I probably don't know what I am talking about, but here I go anyway."
The only thing I found odd was how everything looked aesthetically. The top is heavier than the bottom, which isn't exactly bad, but it does seem a little odd. It is not uncommon for poets to write like that, though I guess my critique is more that the top is wordier than the bottom in the sense that some of the lines could be broken up, if you wanted to, and made into more lines. It might also help with the gradual slimming.
But again, that that with a HUGE grain of salt, okay?
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. It's something a lot of teenage or college aged people can relate to. We've all had a crush on a teacher at least once in our lives.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Rosalie
Hi!
I. Am. In. Love. With. This! I think you executed this perfectly. The last four lines are magically and dream crushing. The whole time I read it, I thought the teacher was all for the affair, that they were getting ready to run off together for a quick rendezvous, but I was wrong, rightfully so. I don't think I would change a single letter around within this poem, so I am sorry that this review isn't very helpful, but I hope it was encouraging to keep up the most amazing work only you can strive for!
~Rascalover