Published January 20, 2013
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Hi there,
You've reviewed a few of my poems so I figured I'd drop by and return the favor:) Overall this was a great piece of work. The words flow together nicely and keep a nice steady rhythm. It also creates a nice, strong image in my mind. The only thing concerning me is I wonder what happened to lead her to that leap. But that may not be a bad thing, exactly. It definitely makes the reader think. Beautiful writing:)
Thannk you
This is perfect. It is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You are an amazing poet, keep writing! I want to see more of your poetry... it is so beautiful.
~Ingrid
hee hee, thank you!
Oh, you are my opponent, so it'll kill you that you can't review this one >:D
This was actually very good guineapig. You used really great imagery, with words and phrases like
"White as the snow was her wedding dress." That was really good, I liked it. You also used really powerful language like "Pure as the snow were her tears when they told her"
I can't believe you said you weren't a poet. I don't see any limits here, anything holding you back, this was just a really great piece of poetry. Really great. I realize this is briefer than some of my reviews, but I don't really review poetry much. I hope you enjoyed the review nether less. Keep writing, and just remember the only limit is the one you set yourself.
Fruit
Why thank you. And actually, I can review this, and I think, if I get desperate, I will. Hee hee hee. Thank you!
I don't even understand why you posted in your blog that you aren't "really a poet". I guess it can be about what you feel more comfortable communicating through, but it should be based on skill, 'cause this is a really gorgeous set of stuck-together words. o_o
Like, I can't even think of anything you should change except maybe change "footprints in the snow" to "footprints in snow" to keep to the meter better AND punctuate this poem like prose, 'cause linking together two full sentences with a comma is called a comma splice~~ and not pretty! You can use more periods and take out the last comma altogether. There should, in fact, be no commas in this poem at all, haha.
I also think the title doesn't fit the grace of this at all. It might be my association with the name Jenny? I know this is based on a real person / event, so changing the name might feel unfaithful, but you could if you'd like. Otherwise, maybe change it completely. I learned a long time ago from an awesome person on YWS that the title of a poem can be extremely important. It can unlock meaning that otherwise cannot be alluded to in the meat of the poem. It can add dimensions. It can make a joke. It can do so many things, so don't think of it like a label, but like an extra line of the poem that functions in a slightly different way based on convention.
I'd suggest "Not Until Death" to reference the marriage jiltedness?!
Girl, this was so good to read. Lemme know if you have any questions (through PM or wall post) and PM me if you put up any more.
Awww, thank you
I've changed the punctuation- I think that's what you meant? They always told us at primary school to put commas at the end of sentences in a poem and I've been confused ever since then. :O I'll have a think about the title, because I agree that the title really doesn't fit at the moment. I was thinking of just calling it 'The Snow' but I have another poem called that. 'White as the snow', maybe? Or 'Snowy Cliff'? Or something? I'll have a think. Thank you!
I wanted to shy away from snow in the title since it's so prominent in the poem, and I always go for slanted titles, but it's up to you! Also, I don't know why in the world they would say that 'cause it's completely incorrect. o_o You basically punctuate the same as prose. Which means you don't even need to capitalize the last line!
All was good but I still go back to your first line, which confuses me. The comparisons with the snow was interesting. But do let me know why did the girl run up the snowy mountains in her wedding dress. Keep up the good work otherwise.
She got jilted at the altar.
Hi there!
As an overall, I really like all the comparisons to snow, in most pieces I read there is only 1 or maybe 2 on the rare occasion that links to the same thing to describe it in a similie like way.
I find the wedding dress a strange choice of clothing. A wedding dress usually suggests a wedding like context. Why she is running away in her wedding dress puzzles me, because it is usually a happy occasion. And I've heard of women running away from their wedding days, because its not the right man or some other factor. But to commit suicide is a bit to the extreme I think. But that's my opinion.
The pathetic fallacy of the snow is good, as it fits with the sad ending on the story, the coldness of the waves, the act of committing suicide and the gravestone all fit together nicely.
The structure of the poem is a tad basic, but I think if you mixed it up a bit, and made it more visually interesting to read, but still making it flow at the same time, I think it would work wonderfully.
I have mixed feelings about this poem. But more towards the liking side.
Well done and keep writing!
She got jilted at the altar. It's based on a true story about this cliff at this place I went on holiday