Published May 4, 2016
This morning, I showered
Using Lynx “Fever”, put my
Hair up in a man bun and
Didn’t
Even
Shave.
Conformity, I defy you.
I am wearing Tuesday socks.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Royal here for a quick review on this fine Review Day!
Love the choppiness here. It's really working for me. Personally, not a fan of using capitalization on every line, but I think it's okay here. Not The Best, but Not Terrible either. Just fine.
Not sure what "Lynx 'Fever'" is, so you might want to use something, a term a little broader for your readers who aren't aware. Or, better yet, add a footnote! I love adding footnotes. Good stuff, that. Make sure you separate it from the body of your piece though, or it gets confusing.
I love the last line. I love it. And overall, I love the simplicity of this. I love the intimacy of the moment that's described.
If I had to change one thing to make this review less of a fangirl sesh, I'd say re-word the second to last line. Saying "Conformity, I defy you," is a little too explicit as compared to the rest of the poem, which is full of these intimate details. Make it a little less of a general wide shot, and more of a close-up on the speaker. That'd really seal the deal even more than it already is.
Great job overall! Looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.
Thanks for your lovely review! I think I'll change the capitalisation; on reflection, I agree. Lynx is pretty everywhere where I am in the UK, but that reference seems to have been lost quite a lot so I will definitely think about a footnote!! I struggled for ages with different wording of the defying conformity line and I just couldn't get it comfortable. I think I need to completely rethink that line. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! Thanks again!
'Ello, it's Cello. Happy review day!
Let me start off by saying I completely agree with Sec and their review below. You should incorporate that fact that you're a girl into the poem. I have another suggestion too though- incorporate the fact that it's Friday. Without the title, the reader has no sense of the day of the week, making the last line pointless. To be honest, by the time I reached that line, the title had left my mind and it wasn't until I looked up that I understood why wearing Tuesday socks mattered at all.
Now I'm going to go into some of the details here.
First, let me tell you that I had to look up "lynx 'fever'". You don't want to have to make your readers research things in your poem. It should be self explanatory. Maybe it's a regional thing or maybe I just don't know my soap brands but 'lynx "fever"' held no meaning to me. I would change it to something more mainstream. Old , spice, axe, anything along those lines tend to ring a bell to most people.
Next, the 'man bun'.
I hate to break it to you, but when a girl wears a 'man bun', it's just a bun. Maybe a 'sloppy bun'. It's not all that uncommon or masculine for that matter (I say masculine as that's clearly the persona you're aiming for). I just feel like you're taking something normal here and trying to make it special. It's just not working for me.
Onto the second to last line-
Here's where it really gets me. I don't know why I hate this line so much. It just feels like you're looking for... for some sort of 'special snowflake' award. It's fine to be your own person but don't do it just to defy conformity because that's what everyone's doing, so aren't you just conforming to another, less main stream, crowd? I think this work is fine but this line simply sounds arrogant to me. No, not arrogant, pleading. Not that either. I don't know how to describe it but it really doesn't settle with me. I'm sure some people love this line but I'm also sure that others will take my view. Are you willing to risk losing half your readers at this one line? I would suggest changing it- maybe 'this is what makes me happy, so why conform' or something along those lines. Show that you're doing what you're doing to please yourself, not to spite the world.
The last line is nice, but I think it shouldn't be last. Maybe switch it with the line above.
Keep up the writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello Guineapiggirl!
This is Sec1218 here to review your poem.
First off, I think it's great! I love how detailed it is without being lengthy. Sometimes I click on a poem, and see that it is really long and immediately go back to the other results. (Shh... Don't tell anyone. Haha) It's very simple and easy to understand as well. I was good though that you mentioned in your description that you are a girl otherwise the poem may have been a little more confusing. Just as a suggestion, I'd maybe incorporate that you are a girl in the title or somewhere in the poem, because I had to look back at your description to verify. I also like that you didn't end with "Conformity, I defy you." because this would have almost brought too much closure to the poem if that makes any sense at all. Lastly, the format of your poem is perfect. It reads really nicely, especially when you read the part, "Didn't Even Shave." because the way you spaced it put more stress on those words. I also like how you didn't end each line with the end of a sentence. It would have sounded funny, formatted like this,
This morning I showered using Lynx "Fever",
Put my hair up in a man bun
And didn't even shave
Conformity, I defy you.
I am wearing Tuesday socks.
The way you formatted the poem flows much easier.
Overall, it was a fun and well written poem.
Keep up the good work!
~Sec1218