There was a man who had bartered with the sea.
He had traveled so many years, so many decades and centuries and millennia on the ancient waves, that time itself had forgotten him, and left him ageless. The seas knew his name by heart, for the mouths of people and the calls of the sky had lost his name a long while ago. No one knew what he sailed for, only that he was desperate.
But the man knew. The man- who had, eventually, turned into a soul rather than a true being- was searching for the desert.
The desert was a land said to be the only place that held clean water in its oasis. A sprawling land, filled with fruits of all colors and antelope that ran for miles- and, he hoped- people he could call his family.
Most people had died long ago.
“Please,” the man begged in that infinite voice of his. “Let me free. Lead me to shore.”
The water lapped at the edges of his ship. Long ago, people had been eager to take water for granted, and the ocean turned her back on humankind. But this man was not quite human. He had lasted long past the time since humans died out.
But the man didn’t know. He didn’t know humans were long gone, and that his children had succumbed to the depths of the poisonous ocean, or that whatever lover he held in his heart had been washed away. Still, the ocean was too worn and angry with humans to let their spirits have the peace of knowing someone remembered them, even after death.
“I will lead you to shore,” the ocean whispered, “if you promise me one thing.”
“Yes,” the man said. “Anything.”
“Bring me one of your kind, one made of flesh, for me to devour whole,” she replied. “You must search the sea for one of your kind, and in turn, I will lead you to the desert and draw out my poison. But if it does not have your blood, if it is not an innocent-” the sea suddenly churned and tipped his boat- “then I will remind time that you are here, and you will waste away to ash.”
The man hesitated. Was it worth it? He had never believed there to be other lands than the desert. Not since he left his home about- well. He didn’t know how many years ago. But it had been long while of time. Long enough for the world to forget him.
This was his only hope. In his ancient mind, there were still thousands of people wandering the earth. Surely he could claim one as his lover and produce a child to sacrifice to the sea. Maybe then, the ocean would take away her poison and he wouldn’t even have a need for the desert.
Those were a lot of big ‘maybes’.
“Fine,” he decided. He bowed his head respectfully. “I will bring you a child of my blood, and then you will let the people drink your water.”
“Oh, yes,” the ocean lied. “I will surely let them drink.”
The only problem was, there was not a single person left to need water.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and after stumbling upon this great story in the Green Room, I’d like to review it! Starting with this here prologue, I’ll be using my personal review style, the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Okay, can I just say first, this prologue? LOVE IT! This is just absolutely incredible—the world you’ve introduced, the doomed character, the very idea of being adrift at the mercy of the ocean—unaware that your entire kind has been lost, it’s just…Oh my gosh, chilling! Taps into so many different fears too. Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! I thought this was a very nice length for a prologue. It didn’t drag anything out, and it did what a prologue does best—establishes key aspects of the world before we dive into the action.
Descriptions and Setting: Very nice! You did an excellent job building up the environment, and telling us about the world abroad. It already feels like a unique take on a post-apocalyptic world! If I had to throw in my two cents on anything, I personally think some more detail on where the man stands currently would really help this chapter sparkle. I have a specific example that may just help, which I dropped in the next stage of the review.
Characterization: Amazing! You really captured the man’s desperation, the desire to find land and companionship after survuving for so long at sea. The detail about any family succumbing to the depths was especially tragic and added so much weight to the situation.
As for the ocean itself, it’s so cool that it’s sentient in a way. It immediately makes me think of mythology, how seas and oceans respond to all sorts of human acts, sometimes beneficial and sometimes malevolent. It really fits the tone of the narration, how it sounds like a legend of sorts. And man, how ruthless of an entity it is!!
Grammar and Wording: No complaints! This piece felt nicely-written.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all (it may look like a lot, but I swear most of this is just me trying to sound coherent XD). Let’s break it down…
So I mentioned that I had a good example of how to add some more specific details to the setting, especially how it looks from the man’s perspective. Like…here:
Perhaps adding to that nice line with something like, “…in a sea blacker than the stormy night above, whose waves were merciless, and her salty brine long replaced by a venomous musk.” (I just made that up on the spot as an example, idk how accurate that is lol). Palettes and sensory notes are very powerful tools in any description. I think this could help that awesome setting really pop, and help cement the reader as they explore so many perspectives about the world.
But that’s purely opinion and it’s not like I’m a pro, so please take that with a grain of salt and take only what you like from it. This prologue is still amazing as it is!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
It’s a bit too early for a theory, but I am definitely curious how things go from here. Does the man survive long enough to find other people, if they even exist? Is this the end of his story already, a grim example of how this world treats humans? So curious!
As for some reactions and what stood out as I read…
I loved this opening description, giving us a sense of the incredible amount of time that’s passed. This really does feel like we’re reading some kind of primordial legend, and set an awesome tone!
Oh, I love the way this is worded! Chilling. It makes you wonder, is humankind the villain for taking her for granted, is the ocean the villain for its betrayal, or are they just two sides of the same coin? Ah, the possibilities—I can tell this is a story that would keep me thinking!
I love that we get to see the immense difference between the ocean/narrator’s perspective and the man’s perspective. I feel like too many writers are afraid of breaking perspectives and would stick to one or the other. This way, it really brings out the two biggest parts of the story: the man’s desperation and the ocean’s cruelty. As a side note—I’m also curious about the repeated use of the term “poison” for the water. I mean, the ocean may as well be poison already given the salt, parasites, and contamination. What happened to make it poisonous on top of that?? O.o
Oh man, what an incredible line to end the piece! Absolutely brutal!!
MadThoughts...Overall, I am just blown away by this prologue! The creativity, the quality, the atmosphere—you really made something special here! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
This is my reminder to leave a review here!
Hey there!
I just have to say, this is absolutely amazing! So far you have created a great start to a new novel and I am really enjoying the current storyline; I cannot wait to see what happens in future chapters! The writing style is great and the general flow of the story is easy to follow along and interesting as well! I love how foreboding and uneasy the vibe feels. Super excited to see more of this! <3 Keep up the amazing work and keep writing!
- Bella