Published April 26, 2025
There was not enough time.
No, there was surely not enough time, and not enough people on her side, and, oh, the sky was so dark, and-
“Maristella!” a voice yelled. Mari snarled.
She could not get caught.
Mari swerved around a corner, wheezing as dust floated up from where her feet hit the ground, and ran. Two steps at a time, she ascended the southern terrace and raced for the tower. The night was dark, and surely she would cut her feet, but-
“Mari!” the same voice yet again cut through the quiet. She panted and kept running, but this voice had made her startle.
She had stolen another one of those, those things from her father’s study. And now, the most skilled of his guard was after her.
This was an infuriatingly horrible plan.
Her plan was simple; steal the mysterious object discreetly, make her way to the terrace, and deliver the thing through the prison door of the tower. But clearly, she was not quiet enough. If only her father had taught her how to be a warrior as well as a lady.
She scaled the last few stairs. The door was but ten feet from her face. Just a little longer, she could slip the object through the door, and-
“Aha!” Mari cursed as someone took hold of her arms. The thing slipped free of her grasp, and she cried out as it hit the floor with a dull thud.
“Unhand me, you scoundrel!” She cried out, thrashing aimlessly, as if she were nothing but a toddler. The guard behind her chortled, his cold, steel armor scratching almost painfully at her back.
“That won’t do, My Lady,” the man smirked, spinning her, nearly stepping on the thing. “You know you aren’t meant to enter the Southern Tower.”
“I’m not allowed into my own blasted home?!” she snarled. She aimlessly pushed against the guard’s chest. No, she couldn’t cry right now, but the wetness in her eyes tempted her, and suddenly, she burst into tears against his chest. She heard him take in a stiff breath before guiding her back down the staircase.
“This is all too much over a simple book, My Lady.”
She sniffled. He sighed.
“What is a book?” she whispered.
“A book? How… how do you not know what a book is?”
She tilted her head. Her father never taught her anything.
“Well? Will you tell me what it is?”
She looked up at the guard, at his worn, brown eyes, and saw his sympathy. He did not like having to do this. To capture her and drag her back to her room over and over again. She worried her lip.
“Let me go,” she said softly.
He ignored her. “A book is a long number of pages bound together with a ribbon and wood. And usually, there’s a title.”
“A title?” she said wondrously. “Like Lady or Lord?”
He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “May I leave now?”
“No,” he snarled. He grabbed her arm, quite forcefully, and ignored her yelps as he dragged her back towards the west wing. “You will stay in your bedroom until your father bids you to dinner. Do you understand, My Lady?”
“If I say yes, will you let me go?”
“Off to your room it is, then.”
Mari snapped. With a shrill cry, she elbowed the guard, with just enough force to startle him, and slid the thing- a book, he called it- through the door of the southern tower. She then ran.
“My Lady!” the guard called, panted as he ran after her. “Mari!”
She ignored him and jumped off the last few steps, skidding to a halt. Two more floors, and she would make it to her bedroom just in time for her father to find her-
Her father stood right in front of her.
No. No. No, this couldn’t be happening. She still had ten minutes until dinner. She still had time to change, to rub the dirt of her face, to clean her bruised feet-
“Maristella,” her father said softly. His voice was cracked and shattered. His furrowed brows were a thousand shades of silver, all of which reminded her of dull jewelry that lost itself to time.
Was that shame she saw in his eyes?
She paused. Gripped her braid. And- all of a sudden- she wished the guard were there, for he felt much more akin to a father in her eyes than her own flesh and blood. Her father’s gaze made her cripple. His touch made her faint. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die whenever she saw him.
But she mustn’t. There was too much she needed to save. Two hearts she had to keep beating.
She swallowed, fixed her feet, and stood tall. Her heart beat so quickly, she was sure it would burst.
“Yes, father?”
He paused and adjusted the burgundy robe draped across his short, weathered body.
“You visited your mother.”
“I did no such thing,” Mari snarled. Sure, she had attempted. But attempting something and doing something were two very different things in her mind. “I merely took a stroll on the terrace.”
“A stroll that led you straight to your mother’s tower?!” The old man’s voice suddenly boomed, and all at once, Mari crippled to the floor. Many people in her land possessed enhancements- more speed, more sight, more time. Her father possessed sound. It was quite an advantage, considering that yelling made his daughter cry.
“Father, please-” ringing in her ears began to grow.
“NO! I will not tolerate you seeing that heathen you call mother-”
“Father-”
The ringing grew louder. She tuned him out.
Her eardrum burst.
With a cry, Mari was cradled by the guard from before. He pressed a cloth to her bloodied ear, murmured something unintelligible.
“Stupid girl,” her father snarled. “We had dinner with the king tonight…”
The King? Mari thought of the fragments of memory she had of the man. He was but a boy, a year or so younger than her, and she’d heard pressure from the navy council demanded he take a wife. He had been traveling for months across the Notche, in search of someone to trade with. If he’d come back, it would only be because of the desperate need for a…
Oh.
Oh no.
“Father!” Mari cried, thrashing against the guard’s chest yet again. “I’m not marrying the boy king! I will not fall into the same fate as my mother!”
“You don’t have a mother,” he said softly.
“And I don’t want to be courted!”
“You will wed him,” her father said softly. “And bring our family honor.”
Mari pushed past the tiredness, past the guard, and ran.
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hello! this is a great chapter!
This chapter, perhaps the overall story as well, seems to revolve around a girl named Maristella who is willing to fight against the world she's in. Despite her lack of knowledge on some things and hinting at missing some major aspects of education (ex: books), that doesn't hinder her from trying to fight others who try to take away her autonomy and choices as a "warrior", not the "lady" she was taught and conditioned to be. Her introduction in this chapter is a great one, as the establishment of her trying to fight her oppression while also lacking some knowledge on education offers readers opportunities to wonder about the obstacles she may face and the lessons she may learn.
Her dynamics with this knight and her dynamics are yet also aspects of the chapter that incite wonder: This knight is demanding, and perhaps sometimes smug about that, but still remains to have sympathy enough to tend to her (giving her information on the 'mysterious object' and helping her when her eardrum burst). Despite this knight aiding her father's oppression by following his orders, Maristella sees him more as a father-figure than her biological father. While, her biological father is controlling and abusive, even willing to the point of making her bleed. These dynamics makes it a possibility that the father will continue being an obstacle, while the knight may help Mari at some point (however, there is a question if he is willing to help even if it risks breaking her father's orders...)
What I also found interesting was the presence of her mother. Her mother is a woman, likely a dead one, who Mari and her father speak of differently.
He has been constantly saying "your mother" to Mari, yet here he seems to deny her as a mother completely. Which reads to me as that while he labels this woman as "mother", he genuinely doesn't respect her as *and* doesn't consider her as a mother-figure for Mari. This mother is a "heathen" to this man, but is a mother to Mari.
I like how this mother is not just a character who is a dead woman for the sake of angst, but is a genuine character who affects the story. Her tower has importance in Mari's plan, her fate represents the themes about oppression, and she's characterized through both her father and daughter—she is a "heathen", she is a good mother, she was forcefully tied down to someone, and is someone who probably disobeyed someone with higher power, then got the consequences for that. There are so many things you can think about this mother, and it's even more interesting to think about considering how different she's perceived by these characters. I think it's also interesting that she could potentially haunt the narrative, if her presence will be a sparse one.
Other than that, while I do think many of the descriptions are good, I feel some of the descriptions being more extended could uplift the story and make it even more engaging! I also just wanted to nitpick that after a prologue, there would be a first chapter. A prologue doesn't act as a first chapter, but instead is before that chapter. So this should be the first chapter, unless there is a chapter one on here that I just can't see.
Anyways, this is a good chapter!!! keep writing!!
Hello, My Friend!
Finally catching up, lol. It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next chapter in this great story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, quite the change from the first chapter! Actually, I hope I'm not reading these out of order, as I only saw the Prologue and then Chapter Two...Sorry if I'm messing these up ':D
*ahem* Anyway! This was a super neat chapter! Mari's character already fascinates me, and her position sounds so tragic! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! Short yet sweet, just enough to give us an introduction to Mari, and a few of her important relationships. I loved the pacing and the tone, how urgent everything felt as I was reading. It really brought out the moment!
Descriptions and Setting: Pretty good! I do feel like there could have been a little more love given to the setting, just to describe the tower and terrace. Even just a color palette and a style can give us enough to imagine the rest, and maybe even a sensory note like "the smell of venom-laced salt in the air" could allude back to what we saw in the prologue. But I digress—this story was still easy to follow and imagine, and I did love the descriptions of what Mari is feeling/thinking in the moment!
Characterization: Oh man, poor Mari! Seeing her eager attempts to get into the tower, then learning what's in the tower...Just, why? No wonder she's so distraught, and so terrified of the prospect of marriage. I mean, betrothal is hard enough for a girl, but if this is her potential future, ouch!!
Mari's father, don't like him already...But the guard intrigues me, with how he seems much more empathetic to Mari. And she even calls him more of a father-figure than her own real father. Yet he still winds up dragging her back to her room, and snaps at her when she tries to fight it...Hm.
Grammar and Wording: Nothing but a couple of specific, tiny nitpicks that I dropped into the next section! Overarchingly, this chapter was very well-written!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
Looks like a minor typo where it says "dirt of her face" instead of "dirt off her face."
That’s all! Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Ooo, I did glean theory material in this chapter. For one, I wonder if Mari will be able to escape before the arrival of this prince, and who will help her. Will it be the guard, finally breaking from her father's cruel orders and aiding her escape? Or her mother perhaps, as they make an escape together? Hm...
As for some highlights and reactions, let's start with...
I love the way you opened this chapter! The sense of panic and urgency immediately captures your interest and sucks you into the moment with Mari! Awesome.
This part was really sad to read. The fact that Mari doesn't know what a book is, much less how to read, all because of her father...Just how is this guy raising her, if at all? Why keep her so ignorant and helpless? Poor Mari...
This really told us about Mari's relationship with her father. Well, relationship or lack thereof...The detail you used in this whole interaction, and these descriptions like "crippling" and "faint"—they were so raw and hateful, you can just sense the conflict between them.
:0 Dude! Yelling is one thing, but frickin bursting her eardrum?!?! Poor Mari, I felt so bad for her here.
Oof, the icing on the tragic cake. After getting such eerie hints about Mari's mother, which were intensified by that callous response there, you can sense her fear here. It's so sad!! I hope she can escape this fate...
MadThoughts...Overall, though certainly different from the prologue, that was an awesome chapter! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."