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Scars In Blue-Part 1- Chapter 4:A Second Home

by gruzinkerbell


Days had gotten darker and darker as Starstalkers began to retire from their work for the winter. It was wisest not to steal any light during daylight savings, but some couldn’t help but notice that things had not slowed down like normal. The Day Clusters had been getting weaker and weaker. It didn’t help Lansie’s sleepiness in the mornings any better.

Footsteps breached the second floor just as Lansie had begun to fall asleep. Her leg was promptly kept out of the blanket, while the rest of her was covered in sheets and a cloak. An ice bath was performed immediately after she woke up, which was quite displeasing and shocking to her body. But she didn't mind the cold, since she got right back into her blankets. It was always freezing in the city.

“Father?” Lansie asked, muffled through the bedsheets. Does he know? Did anybody tell him? She pushed the bedsheets off of herself and limped to the door. Abigail stood in the doorway, fiddling around with the water and sandwich on her tray. “Abigail!” Lansie sounded. “Have you seen my father?”

“‘Fraid not, deary,” Abigail said. “Nobody’s seen him since last night. Would you like me to get your brother to carry you down and find him?”

“No!” Lansie’s eyes widened. “He’s already done so much for me today. He should rest.”

“Very well.” Abigail set the tray down on the edge of Lansie’s bed. “Eat. You’ll need strength today.” The lady-in-waiting left quickly.

Lansie sighed as she began tearing the crust off of her sandwiches. It’s fine, she thought. He probably got hurt too… But the nagging feeling in her stomach told her she needed to check. Her father was strong and smart. Surely he could’ve escaped the fire? Or did he get trapped in the whispering flames? Abigail won’t find him for me… Guess I’ll have to do the work myself. Lansie limped along the walls until she found her toy pony stick. Grabbing the stick as a walking cane, she began the tedious trek down the burnt and partially missing stairs.

It was quite surprising that the stairs had even burned, for they were not made of wood, but another unknown substance. It had the texture of gravel, but stuck to itself like glue. They never tumbled or kicked up dust- but the strange black color was always a good reason to question what the stairs truly were.

Lansie snuck around in the darkest shadows of the walls, hiding her fawn hair beneath the black cloak she had been sleeping in. None of the guards had noticed her yet- they were more focused on finding pales of water to wash away the last of the ash.

At last, Lansie made it to her father’s bedroom, where she saw red curtain pieces being blown away in the breeze and smokey black bed covers- but not a single other person standing in the room with her. Lansie’s shoulders rounded, and her eyes drooped to the ground as she collapsed on her father’s bed, hissing in pain from her burn. I’ll just wait… H-he’ll have to come back eventually.

“Little princess?” a voice sounded. Lansie looked up from the ground to see where the smooth, young voice had come from. She was still hoping her father was coming-but she knew that the voice was too smooth to be his. It was just the Duke- eyes opened wildly, and blonde hair unevenly chopped. The Duke was always unkept- with his father gone on so many expeditions, he had just inherited the title and was able to do what he pleased.

“Duke,” Lansie murmured curtly. “Quite the surprise. Don’t you have some secret party to be running off to?”

“Ha!” The Duke laughed. “Always count girls in puberty to lighten the mood.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing at all.” The Duke grabbed Lansie’s pony toy and handed it to her, offering his arm in the process. She swished it away quickly. Stupid teenagers, she thought. Always wanting to do the work for me. Her father never did that. Never lifted a finger…

“Soleil?” Lansie asked. The Duke’s eyes looked down at her with concern. She could already guess his thoughts; 'did she hurt herself again? Is there something else on fire? Am I on fire?' But none of those things were true. If there was one thing Lansie knew, it was that everyone in the royal family was a worrywart. Including her. “Where is my Father? My brother? For goodness sake, I don’t even know where my lady-in-waiting scurried off to!”

“Oh.” She could see the worry in his eyes fading. “All of the servants and royalty have made their way to my summer home, not too far away. But the king? He has been gone since the fire.” Lansie swallowed a lump of spit down, trying to keep herself from bursting into a sob. She could not make a cousin that was a mere seven years older than her think she was some sort of damsel in distress in a fairytale. Still, however, her heart beat faster with every pump of blood. She feared she grew pale. And worst of all, the voice of the fire was creeping oh so closer to her, just enough for her to hear it.

You pathetic excuse for a girl. You’ve killed the king. Now there is no monarch. You’ve destroyed the whole kingdom and yourself. Now surely you will be left in the castle to die.

No! Lansie thought. That voice can’t be right. It’s a figment of my imagination…

Lansie began whipping her head around in search of the fire. Sure enough, a guard was carrying another eerie blue torch. Just as the voice had come to her, it was gone, fading away with the guard in the dark corridor. She sighed in relief.

“You’re looking dizzy, little Lansie,” Soleil said in a wavering voice. He gently pressed the back of his hand to her forehead, gasping when he felt her skin grow warm to the touch. “You have a fever! We must get you to a healer immediately.”

“Or maybe it was because I was burned,” Lansie retorted. She could’ve sworn that the only smart male in her family was her brother.

“Eh, perhaps you’re right.” He opened the door and led her out to a carriage with glowing gold le chevaux. They must have had little light spheres put into them. They would run quite fast now.

They both stepped into the carriage, the coach whistling and whipping his reins for the horses to begin their stride north. Lansie exhaled, enjoying the wind whipping her hair and cooling her body. She wanted to stay in that moment forever. But soon, she saw Soleil holding the smallest torch of blue stolen by the castle. She gulped.

Now you’ve made everyone worry, Lansie.


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Sun Sep 24, 2023 1:26 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

This was an interesting chapter; it established some important things in this world. We got to focus more on Lansie and her regret. I think it's very interesting how the king hasn't been seen since the fire; it seems like you're insinuating that he's dead, and they simply haven't found the body yet. I liked how you're carrying on the story from Lansie's perspective, and seeing her interact with the Duke was interesting. It was also good to learn that he's their cousin. I liked most of the ways you characterized him, in that his father's gone, so he's pretty much the one in charge, which leads him to be quite ignorant and arrogant.

The one thing that felt a bit off was the pacing; a lot of it felt like it happened very fast. For example, Lansie's comment about the lady-in-waiting and then Soleil revealing that all the staff was at his summer residence didn't make sense to me, given we'd just seen Abigail at the beginning of the chapter. Lansie and the Duke heading to (presumably) the same place at the end of the chapter also felt rushed to me; does she not need to pack her things? It also seems a tad irresponsible, given she's recovering from some pretty serious burns.

I also feel like the plot is dragging a bit; so far, I'm not sure I really know where this story's going in terms of a longer conflict. At around this time, I feel like introducing the main conflict could be good. It seems like it might have something to do with this whole Starstalker business?

Specifics

Days had gotten darker and darker as Starstalkers began to retire from their work for the winter. It was wisest not to steal any light during daylight savings, but some couldn’t help but notice that things had not slowed down like normal.


I liked this casual bit of worldbuilding here! It's not too on the nose, but it allows the readers to infer what role the Starstalkers play in this world, which is nice. I hope we get a little more information as the story goes on, but this is a great way to start it off!

they were more focused on finding pales of water to wash away the last of the ash.


Tiny thing here: I think "pales" should actually be "pails." If you mean the bucket, it's spelled "pail."

I’ll just wait… H-he’ll have to come back eventually.


Since this is Lansie's inner though, I think it should be in italics.

“Ha!” The Duke laughed. “Always count girls in puberty to lighten the mood.”


This line of dialogue read a bit weirdly to me; it didn't feel like something a teasing cousin would say, it sounded like something a creepy stranger would say. It portrayed the Duke as a lot more gross than I think you intended, especially given he was so worried about Lansie in the end.

Overall: nice work! I like how you're continuing to develop the story as we go on, and I look forward to reading the next part! Until next time!




gruzinkerbell says...


Oh, the Duke's line was REALLY awkward, but I couldn't figure out how to insult Lansie any better.



gruzinkerbell says...


Oh, the Duke's line was REALLY awkward, but I couldn't figure out how to insult Lansie any better.



gruzinkerbell says...


Oh, the Duke's line was REALLY awkward, but I couldn't figure out how to insult Lansie any better.



gruzinkerbell says...


By the way, I'm not editing until it's finished (I'm pretty far ahead. Early chaps are months old) so once it's finished, I'll start getting into the real work. The plot line isn't quiet there for the first 10 chapters (so sorry) but I think it'll get there.



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Wed Sep 06, 2023 9:43 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Aloha @Serrurie!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into new uncharted pages with an itch for action and adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye a fourth chapter of the captivating story titled “Scars In Blue” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let us begin.

Image

I. Plot Development
As I said before, you seem to have a pretty mysterious plot in mind. A mysterious plot that involves adventure and fantasy is always an amazing plot. But the real “amazingness” lies in how well executed the plot is or how well you develop the plot.

In every story you need to be able to find a “red line”, a line that does not give any secrets or mysteries away but a line that “leads” the story. With that line the readers can orient themselves in the story. I’m missing that line in your story, secrets can be revealed when they should be revealed and mysteries can be solved when the right time comes, but the line guides the reader through the story.

Try to work with a standard method, a plot outline. Since your story involves both action and adventure it might be difficult to find a good one, but here is an example:
-Introduction of the character (protagonist)
-Situation
-Objective
-Opponent/ Obstacles
-Disaster
-Finale battle/ disaster
-Resolution

This is just an example, you can choose whatever plot outline you want, but try to make sure that there is a sort of “red line”.

II. Character Development
Lansie’s character has already made some developments, we can see that she is impulsive and loves her brother. However, it might be hard to see a clear picture of Lansie as only her thoughts are written down. Writing down the thoughts of a character is something that connects the reader with the characters, they can live with her and feel what she is feeling.
But don’t forget to paint a picture of your characters, and of course, don’t give all the information of her appearance away at once, but do it gradually.
For example:

As she slowly makes her way down the stairs, one step at a time, you can’t help but notice the fear in her dark brown eyes. Her curly brown hair bounces with each careful movement as she grips the handrail tightly, using it for support as she navigates each step with her good leg.

What you can also do to make the red line more precise, is reveal the goals that Lansie wants to achieve. For example, Harry Potter’s goal is defeating Voldemort. He goes through a lot of things, discovers many things, but in the end it is all about him defeating Voldemort.

III. Set the Setting
Your fantasy world has some true potential, and the royalty adds an intriguing layer to the narrative. As this is only the fourth chapter of the story, your world-building efforts seem to be on point.
However, there is room for improvement in the description of the surroundings. For example, the library, Lansie’s chamber, and other (secret) parts of the castle could benefit from more detailed and vivid descriptions. By providing more sensory details and painting a clearer picture of these locations, you can help immerse your readers in your fantasy world and make them feel as if they are truly there. For instance, when describing the library, you could mention the smell of old books, the sound of pages turning, and the sight of sunlight filtering through the windows. Similarly, when describing Lansie’s chamber, you could include details about the furnishings, decorations, and personal items that reveal more about her character.

IV. In a Nutshell
I have only provided you with some points that could benefit from improvement to add depth to your story, therefore please do not take them as criticism.
A story can be anything and everything at the same time, a unique artwork created from our experiences and imagination. Every story matters, every voice counts. So, write your tale, for it is waiting to be told.

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

Me,
Rose





It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief