Published April 16, 2009
In second grade, Ryan Thomas proposed to me, saying that I was the girl of his dreams. Of course, being the dumb kid that I was at the time, I said yes. We were supposed to live happily ever after like any normal couple, or at least, that’s what we thought. But of course, life didn’t turn out that way. Ryan ended up moving away to somewhere forlorn and unknown to me while I was stuck in this dingy old town. At least he got a chance to escape. I was stuck here slowly rotting away to a corpse. That’s what I thought, at least, until he waltzed right back into my life in the form of a 6’2 Adonis.
Here I was thinking about all of this dreary stuff, and in comes a new kid that looks oddly familiar. But let me tell you, he was hot. No, I mean he was HOT. Now, I want you to close your eyes (okay, not literally, but you get the idea) and imagine a guy, about 6’2, with silky brown hair that’s average length, chocolaty brown eyes you could drown in, and a perfect body. Got the picture in your mind? Good. Now, imagine that about twenty times hotter and you got Ryan Thomas, all grown up.
So about now I was ogling him, basically frothing at the mouth. Just about every girl in class was doing the same thing but he decided to look straight at me. Perfect way for your fiancé to see you right? But all it took was a satisfied smirk to wipe that all away and bring me back to my witty self. So when he walked by, I decided to do what you might call childish (but I call it pure genius). I ‘casually’ slipped my foot out from under the desk and tripped him, making his graceful presence not so, well, graceful.
As his face was now preoccupied with the floor, I sat straight up in my seat looking as innocent as possible. He didn’t buy it for a minute. And the ‘he’ I would be referring to is the Casanova that is now presently standing beside my desk. I let a small smile escape my façade, looking out of the corners of my eyes at his expression. Before he could comment, the teacher interrupted.
“Mr. Thomas. If you are done disturbing my class, could you please sit down?”
Snickers were heard all around the room. I saw him nod his head in acknowledgment and turn to go sit down. That’s about the point of this whole thing that I realized the only empty seat was right behind me. Oh the torture.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well that's an interesting start. I suppose it is very fitting of the kind of title that this particular work has at the moment. The title alone definitely pulls me into this story and did so quite quickly, but this bit here is dragging me in with a nice bit of confusion almost, the good kind of confusion where you are trying to make head or tail of what happens and you really want to know what this will all mean.
Hmm well that went pretty much exactly in the direction I was expecting this to go in and that's a good thing for the moment. Its a very distinct sort of style and it really only sort of works with this one specific genre but this piece does seem to know what its about and try and capitalize on that starting right from the title so it really works I think.
Okayy...that's a decent ending there. It fits right in with that tone established at the start with things and adding in a little slice of humor there to temper things down works nicely in general. The slight hint of confusion hovering over things remains however with the way that reaction goes towards the end but once again its the good kind where you really want to decipher what just happened. At any rate, overall, this comes together to be a pretty solid piece I'd say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
How to become UNengaged. Haha, I love the title and the beginning, it starts out slow then it's like BAM! Which is kind of eh, but it works. Anywho, I think this was actually pretty dandy for a beginning. I hope you do keep writing with this, it's a little sketchy but keep working at it.
-Max
Hello
How are you on this lovely evening? It's more of a night for me here, but no need to get too technical, no? About timing at least. Before I go on with your review, you have to know that to post a story of your own, you have to have reviewed at least two other ones for somebody, anybody else. That's just how YWS works - for every one piece, two must be critted.
To your story, though. One little nitpick in the form of a quote.
quote:
I was stuck here slowly rotting away to a corpse.
Repetition. Might have been deliberate, yes,but I don't like it.
quote:
So when he walked by, I decided to do what you might call childish (but I call it pure genius). I ‘casually’ slipped my foot out from under the desk and tripped him, making his graceful presence not so, well, graceful.
Hah.
Well-written. That's what shoves itself, pushing aside all other praise: very well-written, and so doing wonders to the narrative itself. The piece was funny and entertaining, and had me smiling at certain points.
The only thing I do not understand is the intial interaction between the two of them, before the tripping. The "satisfied smirk" part. Satisfied at what? And her reaction to that satisfaction, but not the tripping, but - oh, I don't know. See, I don't know, and that isn't good.
Characterization of the fiance - terrific. I liked his portrayal, how he was introduced and later on referred to. Her, the girl, very good, too.
Nice intro, nice exit, but I'd like to see more
Cheers,
Esme