Published April 5, 2010
heya ^^ I'm back 
after a long long time, a year now I think 
anyways I decided to start working on something, this is what I've come up with, not that good, but not bad considering how long it's been since the last thing I wrote.
So here it is, what i managed to put together in an hour or two, tell me what you think, and of course feel free to rip it to shreds with your harshest review you can come up with 
---------------------
Rhett sighed as he walked down the well worn stone steps of the church. Another seventhday, another faked interest in the holy text. He sat down on the moss covered bench next to the stairs and waited until everyone else had made their out and resumed their daily lives.
He had just stood when he heard a shuffle behind him, spinning around he saw someone at the church doors. It was an unnervingly tall man, clad in darkly dyed fine garb of someone who has money to get by and enough leftover to waste on things such as fine cloth, perhaps he was a travelling merchant. The man had a ruff of spiky midnight-black hair. He staring at Rhett with an intensity of a madman, eerie mostly because of his shockingly bright blue eyes, which, Rhett suspected, if viewed from a different angle they would appear as white as the rest of his eye. There's something... peculiar, pondered Rhett.
He stood stunned for a few seconds before greeting the new-comer. "How goes it there, you startled me stranger."
The stranger smiled, "You have my apologies, this was not my intent," his smiled faded from his face, "I am in need of a place to stay, could you be so kind as to inform me of where I might spend the night?" He spoke with an accent Rhett hadn't heard, slurring some of the words to the extent he had trouble making them out.
"Well stranger," he empathized the word stranger, hoping to catch his name, "accommodation round here depends on what cost you're willing to bear."
The man's unnerving smile returned to his face, chilling Rhett. "You can call me Milou, and money is of no concern of mine."
Rhett eyed Milou distrustfully, he could barely pronounce his name and he claims that money is no worry. Something's definitely bizarre here, thought Rhett, best to tell him what he wants and be off. "You could buy yourself a room and company for a night at the brothel for a tidy sum," at this Milou simply shook his head, "but if that's not to your taste, or perhaps it's just the room you're looking for... well the inn is usually full this time of year, but it couldn't hurt to check if a room is spare." Rhett forced a smile and started walking away. When other man didn't stop him he increased his pace, determined to get home.
Rhett found himself drastically agitated by the man, although he couldn't determine why.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,614 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Well it’s very interesting so far, and I can’t wait until you get around to editing it! More descriptions would be nice, especially with the church, seeing as there are so many different types of churches. Maybe you can mention a crucifix or stained glass windows or a high ceiling, or maybe it was a small, musty, inglorious type of church. Well, either way I’d love to know.
More dialogue would help too, I think. You could choose some weird words or phrasing for Milou, which could be really fun.
By the way I really love the names Milou and Rhett.
Keep writing!!
no no the review wasn't offensive at all, in fact I was thinking the exact same things about it.
and this one isn't really goin anywhere, and I sure as hell wouldn't wanna hand it in 
I'm gonna scrap this one for now, I've just been given an english assignment, I've gotta write a short story
so... I have to think up another story... and of course write it, with at least a small amount of talent... by monday...
wish me luck
-Grimy
Corrections in red.
Okay, comments.
First, the dialogue sounded stilted. Very stilted. And Rhett - how old is he? At first I thought he was a teenager, but the word choice in his thoughts made it seem as if he was older. But when he spoke he reminded me of Huckleberry Finn. So which is it?
On the bright side, this is an intriguing beginning and it does present Milou with an air of mystery.
Anyway, those are just my opinions so take them with a grain of salt. It's your story, so you decide what's best for it. If you found my review offensive, I'm sorry.
Yours truly,
Kara
Hey, me again, thanks Lauren ^^
I'll fix them this afternoon hopefully.
Yeh, this will probably end up as a short story, I'll be writing more this afternoon. And like I said it was written up pretty quick so I haven't got around to adding description yet
Thanks for pointing those out
-Grimy
Hey there grimy! I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today.
This was pretty interesting, though quite short so there isn't much for me to go off of review-wise. I assume it's going to be part of a larger work? I only have two nitpicks, so let's get to those.
I feel like the sentence should end at "fine cloth" and a new sentence should start at "Perhaps".
Empathized should be emphasized
Round should be 'round as it isn't describing a shape, but is a shortened for of "around"
The only other thing I can think to comment on here is description. There seems to be a skip-over on a lot of the description of things here. Milou is described very well, but hardly nothing else is.
What does the church look like? What does it look like outside the church? In the town/city/village? What does Rhett look like? What's the weather like? Are there any interesting smells/sights/sounds?
Concentrating on the five senses is a great way to infuse description into a story. Showing the reader what things look, feel, smell, taste, sound like really helps them get involved in the story. And it gives interesting descriptions in the ways that a character would most likely encounter things.
Basically, I'd really like to see more descriptions of mainly the setting and of Rhett here. The story, at least from this small bit, is rather interesting, and I would probably be interested in reading more.
Keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or would like another review from me.
-Lauren-