Published June 29, 2010
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Canary word: Present
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140,622 Literary Works • 673,563 Reviews
Hey there, grigoris!
Welcome to Young Writers Society!
Have you been to the Welcome Mat yet? It's in Community forums. If you go a bunch of friendly people will happily welcome you here, too.
So first off, there's no structure here. I see a big blob. Try putting this into paragraph format and it'll look wonderful!
Second, did this happen to you or someone you know? If so, I'm very sorry. If not, this isn't non-fiction. No biggie, just PM a Mod (light green or green members) to move this.
Third, I'd run over this for spelling and grammar. Try reading it out loud because then you won't be as inclined to stop reading. I know doing second, third, or even fourth drafts can be tiring, but they'll improve your writing tremendously. My best advice to improve on this is read, write, read, and then write more!
I hope I helped! If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
~Selene
Nice, your character has a great voice. That was a really intense first part... I especially liked the last sentence--it was so nonchalant.
Definitely keep writing.