Removed

Hey! Well done, this is really fantastic for your first go at writing. Your ideas are really individual, which is super important for getting noticed, so well done!

The only thing I would say has already been said really; keep a close eye on your grammar and wording, but mostly those are things that will develop the more that you write.

Quick tip; always read back your work as a reader, not a writer. That way you'll spot things that you wouldn't if you had your writing head on.

Anyway, very impressive, keep it up!!

I like the hair thing, it's really interesting. I want to know why he killed that girl's sister. Also, there were a lot of mistakes, but not enough for me to stop reading it. Please update. Pm me once you have, otherwise I'll forget.

Okay. The only problems left is that you didn't use commas on some parts of the story and that you didn't put spaces in between some parts too. (xD)

"Exhausted he closed his eyes..."

You should've put a comma after 'exhausted'. Also, you put a comma before the ending quotation mark and please put more effort on putting spaces.

Nice story anyway . I just think you could use a little introduction 'cause your story started out of nowhere. Well, I've seen other stories/movies that started out of nowhere anyway so I guess that will not be much of a problem.

Keep writing!

Sounds pretty cool. I actually find it unique; it's not along the lines of the vast majority of the other posts on this forum - dragons, unicorns, fairies, and vampires. Ugh...

Keep up the good work! Let me know when you post another chapter; I'd like to read more.

Wow. SO much better Thanks for taking the time to read through my review. Would you mind PMing me when you put up the next chapter? That is, IF you are putting up another chapter, which I hope you do, since this is fantastic.

Hello grigoris! Welcome to YWS!
My comments in green.
Grammar mistakes in bold.

grigoris wrote:"I had to do it...I had no other option,"
said Jessu while walking in circles examining every dent on the magicaly enhanced stone cell where he was imprisoned, like talking to himself could in any way ease the burden of his actions.That was a wee bit confusing... Too long of a sentence, I think.

"The girl had to die."
The mere thought of the girl's dead body going cold going cold? Try "the girl's cold, dead body was enough to set his stomach in turmoil.

"I have to focus on my escape and face my guilt later."
True enough that was easier said than done. He was caught red-handed in the apartments of Lady Riki Primrose. The screams of the maid guided the arrest force straight to the room where Jessu had murdered Lady Riki's eldest daughter Ivienna. There could be no mistake he had opened her windpipe open second open not necessary (you don't open things closed) with one swift dagger cut a little strange; try "one swift cut from his dagger."Couldn't that bloody maid wait for her mistress just a little bit longer?" he said, questioning himself. Disappointed from the lack of cracks he took a sit on the bench and started staring at the ceiling with a sense of growing frustration.

"As expected of an A-rank dungeon," he murmured. No way for someone to magically escape. Jessu knew his fate; they would hold a court trial where all the noble families would attend. Having noble blood himself and being a mage on top of that guaranteed he would escape execution. But many things could be worse than death. too true All the noble bloods would gather and stand in his trial like it was some kind of amusing social event.The thought made him sick. makes me sick too... but he deserves it. He murdered someone!

"They are already beyond salvation," he whispered salvation from what?. "So arrogant, so self-satisfied they are. Do they really believe nothing can harm them?". His questions remained unanswered. With a short breath he stood up and wondered what he looked like in that old dirty cell. Jessu was a tall man in his late twenties. Usually he kept his hair a vivid indigo color with hints of silver and long enough to be able to sit on it. As with all noble-born he was able to change the growth and color of his hair at will interesting.... He was of course wearing a silk tunic in a deep blue color bordered with silver threads forming a sun on his back..the emblem of his noble family. "A good match with the dark walls of my prison," he said with a hint of sarcasm in his deep clear voice. Jessumus Lily was his full name but he much preferred to be called Jessu. So would I, with a name like that XD

<why did you do it?> a voice said. Startled he turned to face a girl he had not seen before staring at him with obvious dismay. She was accompanied by two guards.

<why do you bother me lass?> he demanded instead of an answer. why the <> all of a sudden? If they are speaking telepathically, then tell us. If not, use regular quotes. The girl's face flashed red with anger but before she could say what she wanted one of the guards intervened.

<Lady Primrose its best to take our leave now>
<That is corect> assumed assumed? the second guard. <Your lord father will be greatly displeased by your presence here> he said with an anxious grin why is he grinning? on his face.<its not fitting for a lady of your standing to be in close proximity to kinslayers> said the first guard.

"Kinslayer," Jessu thought. Of course. All noble houses were connected with bonds of blood.
"Oh well. Nothing that can be done about it," /Jessu thought."I might as well get used to it.". The girl was too young to be Lady Primrose herself.
"Probably the second daughter, Alienna," Jessu concluded. Hearing the word kinslayer Alienna's face became even more red and the tips of her shoulder-long hair took an unmistakable silvery color.
"What in the seven paths is that kid doing here?" he thought. "She still can't keep her hair from responding to her feelings." very cool. I really like that idea with the hair

< Do NOT call that filth in that bloody cage my kin EVER again> alienna yelled pointing at Jessu.<KIN is not supposed to kill one of its own> she screamed with all the strength she had in her lungs. Nice

"Oh blessed silence were have you gone?" said Jessu to himself. Uhh... Okay?

<Did you just said something Lily?> asked Alienna.

<I said that you scream loud enough to raise the dead...child> he replied with a hint of mockery coloring his voice.

<How dare you speak that way when you are in my presence, filth?> Alienna said while her hair turned completely silver.

"Ailver for a primrose means either anger or shame," Jessu thought. "And i doubt she is feeling even a little shameful right now." It was past time he gave her a scolding.

<Impudent child! I will tolerate your insolence no more!> he said turning his violet stare fully at her. <I might be in prison but I am still your superior in rank> already Alienna's face and body position turned to that of a child getting scolded by an adult. wouldn't she actually just get angrier?

<YOU will speak after you asked permission and you will adress me as beffiting my rank and title...Sir Jessumus Lily successor to lord emunus lily steward of the east in his majesty the king's good grace whaaaaaat???> he paused to make his words seem a bit more threatening. <You may leave now> Alienna's face showed hints of panic but miraculously she kept her hair a dark black color.Obviously shaken she turned and started running away towards to what jessu thought was the direction of the exit.

The guards gave him a hesitant look but after given him an angry glare they trotted behind the girl. Jessu finally sat on the bench again. Something in Alienna's gray eyes had shaken him and only now he realized what it was.

"She looks so much like that sister of her's," he murmured. Images of her sister's dead body kept flashing in his mind. wouldn't the resemblance come instantly then? "No point sensing guilt now. doesn't make sense... Jessu said loudly enough. "What is done is done," he said again even louder to the point of almost shouting.

Exhausted he closed his eyes and for the next few hours he kept trying in vain to fall asleep with no success that's what "in vain" means, so.. not necessary. When the call came for him to appear for his trial he already knew what had to be done.

Double post XD

Grammar and spelling mistakes: red

My comments: bold

grigoris wrote:
"I had to do it...I had no other option." said Jessu while walking in circles, examining every dent on the magical enhanced stone cell where he was imprisoned, like talking to himself could in any way ease the burden of his actions.

"The girl had to die."

The mere thought of the girl's dead body going cold was enough to set his stomach in turmoil.

"I have to focus on my escape and face my guilt later."

True enough that was easier said than done. He was caught red-handed in the apartments of lady Riki Primrose. The screams of the maid guided the arrest force straight to the room where Jessu had murdered Lady Riki's eldest daughter Ivienna. There could be no mistake he had opened her windpipe open with one swift cut of the dagger This works better.

"Couldn't that bloody maid wait for her mistress just a little bit longer?" he said questioning himself. Disappointed from the lack of cracks he took a sit sat on the bench and started staring at the ceiling with a sense of growing frustration.

"As expected of an A-rank dungeon" he murmured. No way for someone to magically escape. Jessu knew his fate, they would hold a court trial where all the noble families would attend. Having noble blood himself and being a mage on top of that guaranteed he would escape execution. But many things could be worse than death. All the noble bloods would gather and stand in his trial like it was some kind of amusing social event. The thought made him sick.

"They are already beyond salvation," he whispered, "So arrogant so self-satisfied they are. Do they really believe nothing can harm them?". His questions remained unanswered.

With a short breath he stood up and wondered what he looked like in that old dirty cell. Jessu was a tall man in his late twenties. Usually he kept his hair a vivid indigo color with hints of silver and long enough to be able to sit on it. As with all noble-born he was able to change the growth and color of his hair at will. He was of course wearing a silk tunic in a deep blue color bordered with silver threads forming a sun on his back, the emblem of his noble family.

"A good match with the dark walls of my prison." he said with a hint of sarcasm in his deep clear voice. Jessumus Lily was his full name but he much preferred to be called Jessu.

"Why did you do it?" a voice said. Startled, he turned to face a girl he had not seen before staring at him with obvious dismay accompanied by two guards.

"why do you bother me, lass?" he demanded instead of an answer. The girl's face flashed red with anger but before she could say whatever it was she wanted to say one of the guards intervened.

"Lady Primrose its best to take our leave now"

"That is corect."assumed the second guard

"Your lord father will be gratly displeased by your presence here." he said with an anxious grin on his face.

"Its not fitting for a lady of your standing to be in close proximility to kinslayers."said again the first guard.

"Kinslayer" Jessu thought. Of course all noble houses were connected with bonds of blood.

"oh well nothing that can be done about it" jessu thought.

"i might as well get used to it.". The girl was too young to be lady primrose herself

"probably the second daughter alienna" jessu concluded.

Hearing the word kinslayer alienna's face became even more red and the tips of her shoulder-long hair took an unmistakable silvery color.

"What in the seven paths is that kid doing here?"he thought.

"she still can't keep her hair from responding to her feelings.

< Do NOT call that filth in that bloody cage my kin EVER again> alienna yelled pointing at jessu.<KIN is not supposed to kill one of its own>she screamed with all the strength she had in her lungs.

"Oh blessed silence were have you gone?"said jessu to himself.

<did you just said something lily?>asked alienna.

<i said that you scream loud enough to raise the dead...child>he replied with a hint of mockery coloring his voice.

<How dare you speak that way when you are in my presence filth?>alienna said while her hair turned a complete silver color.

"silver for a primrose means either anger or shame"jessu thought"and i doubt she is feeling even a little shameful right now" it was past time he gave her a scolding.

<impudent child i will tolerate your insolence no more> he said turning his violet stare fully at her.<i might be in prison but i am still your superior in rank>already alienna's face and body position turned to that of a child getting scolded by an adult.

<YOU will speak after you asked permission and you will adress me as beffiting my rank and title...sir jessumus lily successor to lord emunus lily steward of the east in his majesty the king's good grace>he paused to make his words seem a bit more threatening.<you may leave now>alienna's face showed hints of panic but miraculously she kept her hair a dark black color.Obviously shaken she turned and started running away towards to what jessu thought was the direction of the exit.

The guards gave him a hesitant look but after a few exchanges of angry glares they trotted behind the girl.Jessu finally sat on the bench again.something in aliennas gray eyes had shaken him and only now he realized what it was

"she looks so much like that sister of hers"he murmured.images of her sister's dead body kept flashing in his mind."no point sensing guilt now.jessu said loudly enough."what is done is done"he said again even louder to the point of almost shouting.

Exhausted he closed his eyes and for the next hours he kept trying in vain to fall asleep with no success.When the call came for him to appear for his trial he already knew what had to be done.