z

Young Writers Society


12+

this is truly terrible but i will do it to do it

by greysondotcom


i wish he loved me back

i wish he would get up in the morning

and imagine me sleeping on his chest

i wish he would brush his teeth

and imagine me doing the same in front of him

i wish he would eat breakfast

and imagine me sitting on the other side of the table

i wish he would get in the car on the way to school

and get sad remembering im not going to be there

i wish he would sit in class

daydreaming about me

i wish he would walk in the hallway

imagining me holding his hand as we walk together

i wish he would eat lunch with his friends

and imagining me sitting on his lap while hes feeding me

i wish he would go to study hall

and think about living together forever

i wish he would get on his way home

and imagine im in the passenger seat talking to him

i wish he would get home and do homework

and imagine me on his bed

i wish he would make dinner

and imagine me in the kitchen with him

i wish he would go up and eat in his room

imagining me sitting next to him while he eats

i wish he would start playing the game

and imagine teaching me how to play

i wish he would wash the dishes

and imagine i was doing them with him behind me

i wish he would lay down in his bed

put the pillow between his thighs

with a stuffed animal in his arms

and a pillow to cuddle

imagining holding me

and imagining kissing me

i wish he loved me like i love him

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
71 Reviews

Points: 6464
Reviews: 71

Donate
Stickied -- Sat Jan 20, 2024 5:36 pm
View Likes
Youbeaucupid wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! (/≧▽≦)/

Good morning dear writer! Cupid here, I'm a little late to write a review but, thought I'd fly over a one for you poem today. Let's get flying! (Also thought I'd try out a new method like the YWS s'mores Method...The Boba Method! herbalhour was the one to inspired me to try this out hehe)


⚫ The Boba Pearls: First Impression:

Your poem unfolded like a bittersweet melody, evoking a deep sense of yearning and unspoken emotions. As I immersed myself in the verses, a poignant longing for reciprocated love resonated through each "I wish." The simplicity of your expressions became a quiet yet powerful narrative, drawing me into the protagonist's heartfelt desires throughout the day. The repetition of "I wish" felt like a sincere refrain, echoing the unfulfilled yearning and leaving an emotional imprint that lingered beyond the verses.

🍵 The Tea Base: Room Improvements!

I feel like you could consider exploring varied language or metaphors to convey the depth of emotions. While the simplicity is a strength, experimenting with different ways to express the longing and desire could add layers to your poem. :D

Additionally, you might want to play with the pacing of the wishes. While reading your poem I felt some lines could benefit from more detailed descriptions, creating a more immersive experience for us readers. This could enhance the emotional impact of each wish.

Remember, these are just suggestions, and the beauty of poetry often lies in personal expression. Feel free to embrace or disregard them based on your artistic vision! (¬‿¬)

🥛 The Milk: Highlights of Piece

The beauty of your poem lies in its unfiltered portrayal of yearning, capturing the intricacies of unrequited love throughout the day. Each wish, delicately woven into the fabric of daily routines, becomes a poignant testament to the protagonist's profound desire for reciprocated affection.

In essence, your poem excels in its ability to evoke emotions through simplicity, making the reader not only understand but truly feel the protagonist's yearning. The wishes, detailed and heartfelt, transform routine activities into profound expressions of love, creating a captivating emotional landscape within your verses.

Keep crafting these beautifully poignant moments in your writing! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

🍬 The Sweetener: Favorite lines!

"-I wish he would go up and eat in his room imagining me sitting next to him while he eats"


(ACK! This one hits. T0T) This line encapsulates a quiet, intimate wish. The desire to be present, even in the solitude of a room, It adds another layer to the poem, showcasing the depth of the protagonist's desire to be a constant presence in the other's life.

"-imagining holding me and imagining kissing me"


Here, the repetition of "imagining" serves as a heartbeat, echoing the protagonist's relentless yearning. The specificity of the desires—to be held and kissed—elevates the intimacy of the poem. (I guess I'll just have to stick with daydreaming :,D)

🧋 Completed drink: Closing thoughts

Your poem resonated deeply with me, as someone who wished for this type of love I understand completely, one day, we'll get there one day :,)

Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart. Your words have the power to evoke shared experiences and emotions. Keep pouring your soul into your writing—I look forward to reading more from you in the future. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

Fly high writer, Cupid 💘






dear lord, i didnt expect such a thorogh (im sorry i really and truly cant spell im dyslexic) it really means the most to me that you came on to my really shitty poem and really thoroughly inspected it and found parts that i didnt think about as i was writing it and i actually learned some things from your writing :')



User avatar
39 Reviews

Points: 2808
Reviews: 39

Donate
Stickied -- Sat Jan 20, 2024 6:48 am
View Likes
avianwings47 wrote a review...



Hello, fellow author! I saw your poem in the Green Room and wanted to leave a review!

I feel this poem on a deep level! As someone who's never dated anyone before, this one struck a chord with me. It can get really lonely out here in the single world. :(

On another note, I really like the repetition you used with all the "i wish" statements, especially using it every other line throughout the majority of the poem. And while you want the love that you describe, you're also giving that love, which is especially apparent in the last line: "i wish he loved me like i love him."

I also feel that there's something very raw about uncapitalized and unpunctuated poems. I've seen this done a few times, and I often find myself enjoying it because I get to find my own rhythm of how to read things. However, just keep in mind that if there is a certain way you want your readers to read the poem, I would suggest using punctuation. Despite this fact, I think leaving it without punctuation also shows the feeling of quick thoughts and pure longing.

A small suggestion: try experimenting more with sentence structure. As much as I love repetition in poetry, it can get... well... repetitive! To break this up a bit more, try unique wording and sentence structures. With this, you can still keep the repetition of "i wish," which seems to be the main theme of this poem, while also giving the readers variety. However, this could just be my preference toward poetry. Apply what you think is helpful!

I love that you incorporated the many different aspects of love. Love isn't confined to just one thing you want, but a whole life with this person. This is so beautifully portrayed in this piece. It shows just how much you love, and on the flip side, just how much you're hurting.

All in all, this is a lovely poem that pulls at our heartstrings. You wonderfully captured the feeling of yearning and, in a way, rejection. There is so much that this poem could apply to, and I just keep thinking of more things as I write! (which is a good thing)

Welcome to YWS, and keep writing! I hope to see other pieces from you! -Avian






really and truly, thank you so much. im glad people really like it and honestly ive learned more things about my own poem through your review :') (also im just super lazy thats why i dont punctuate anything um but its cool that somebody thinks thats nice :) also just please try to decipher my spelling im dyslexic and my computer for some reason wont autocorrect? idk but seriously thank you and ill save your review for improvements in later writing!!)




Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg