Published September 16, 2011
I see you, but do you see me?
I'm focused on your every move.
Seeing you isn't easy, but somehow I'll make it through.
The memories I have of you, nothing short of contorted.
The picture in my head has been altered and distorted.
It's sort of like a seether and the temp is off the meter.
The tension, it just rises and I'm sweating like a fever.
I neither love you nor despise you.
Ridden with the lies you told and the lie you left
Try as I might, I'd rather just assume to not forget.
This concept of my attempt for your attention has been a loss at my expense.
I made the mess and paid the cost and tried to give you my defense.
I made amends and went against my own common sense.
I told you all I wanted in return was just for us to remain friends.
But, yet again, you played with my emotions.
Your silence is a stab at me and shatters all the notions
that you were someone drowning in an ocean of resentment.
I don't regret it, not one moment that I wasted trying to get you to see
that somewhere deep down is a decent human being in me.
Now, do you see what your cruelty is doing to me?
Probably not, because you never even bothered to read.
All these things that I wrote, most of them were about you.
What else can I do? I keep giving you little clues, but you just don't care.
So, why do I? Why do I even try? Why do I even bother to share with you my pain?
Do I have to state your name to make you realize
that I am not so gullible and I will not be despised?
I see the disguise that you hide behind. I may have crossed the line,
but you made the gesture. So, just you remember that when the day comes when you decide
that you want to finally face me, I may not be so kind,
because you betrayed me and if you hate me, that's fine.
Just be honest next time. I look forward to your reply
I'll be waiting on the other side.
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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Thank you all so much for the reviews and suggestions. I've made a few changes, as far as breaking it up into three separate parts. I think this works better and gives the reader some breathing room-lol. Anyway, thanks again.
Greg
I really enjoyed reading this. It was very interesting because I can relate to all of it...every single word!
Nitpick time! yaay!
First of all, if this is a definite letter, I think you should have at least some sort of greeting. I didn't know it was a letter until the VERY end. If I knew it before, I think I would have enjoyed it more.
There's not a definite verb; try writing....."I have of you, are nothing"
I also don't like how this is just one big blob. It needs to be broken up at least a LITTLE!!
Break after this sentence
Break after this one too!
Break!
Break!
Sometimes the rhythm kind of got messed up here and there...for instance, here's one example:
This second sentence has way too many short syllables. It would be better:
"I made amends and went against my own common sense.
I told you all I wanted was for us to just be friends."
You can do this in a lot of other places too, using less words but still conveying the same message.
Good job over all! I really enjoyed this, and I think you could make a sequel, if something ever does resolve, or maybe even if it doesn't, you could write about what keeps you going without that person.
Hello. I love this piece, it was short and witty. I love your word choice, to me it sounded playful and vibrant. Although in my opinion, there wasn't much imagery. But to compensate for that, you have a strong voice. It was raw and had a deep touch of candour in it. The flow went off sometimes, due to the layout of the words in the poem. Although, this didn't ruin the general feel of the poem. It is a great piece and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you!
Thank you for the advice. It is rather long. I actually wrote it off the cuff in one sitting. It's amazing what you can come up with with a note pad and six cups of coffee, Lol!
Well I must say I really do like this. My only advice is to split up the the lines in some way. Like I have done at the top. Such long and short lines messes up the flow. I also think this can be shortened somehow...made smaller with more emotional impact. But that's merely a suggestion it's rather well as it is. I think you need to revise it so the lines are shorter, near the same length, but also try to shorten the poem itself. It doesn't have to be really short or really long. But that's my idea. Hope this helps you some and I wish you good luck. Hope you get many more helpful reviews. I truly loved the poem itself and think it has magnificent potential just revise and revise.
Sincerely,
Soulkana<3