Published March 22, 2011
When I'm laying
and I'm praying
and I'm thinking....
When I'm trying
and I'm lying
concentrating
on dying.
No excuses
I was stupid.
so confused
and undecided.
And I may have
been deceitful
Pathological
and hateful.
So I'm asking
for forgiveness-
if you'll have me.
Can you see through
what I did to you?
Will you let me
back in?
All I wanted
was to fit in.
Temptation
made me give in.
So I'm asking
you to save me.
I'm your son.
You made me.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hi there.
It is an interesting format you used there. The short sentences allow it to flow quite well.
However it leaves little room for imagery and character building. I recommend you focus more on creating a mood and an image.
Besides that, good job.
Hi there.
It is an interesting format you used there. The short sentences allow it to flow quite well.
However it leaves little room for imagery and character building. I recommend you focus more on creating a mood and an image.
Besides that, good job.