Published July 21, 2010
Many, many years ago a tail of the forces of Light and Darkness began.
It starts at the begining of time. There was a white bull, so full of hatred and rage, his name was Darkness, but we know him as Evil. He oozed tendrils of unimaginable evil, he was often mistaken as Light because he shown like a star. With Darkness came his twin brother Light. Light was kind and told of heros who would come to earth and send back the evil that came from Darkness. Also like his brother he was often mistaken, for he slightly glowed like a night sky full of stars.
They fought over the world and who would control it. There were wars that lasted decades, there was rageing storms and terrible droughts. Then us humans made it worse, we came and they just ramed us over covering the earth in a veil of blood that soaked into the ground and grew and destroyed plants and animals of varius sorts.
Then one day the Bulls stood on either sides of the earth and ramed their mighty horns together and created divine beings kown as Gods and Goddess. They were given a choice to stand with Darkness or Light, and with the sides that they chose they got powers that no human could ever posess. Yet the wars rained on and evolution took its tole on the Bulls and what little battle fields they have now are forests and bay areas near land, and slowly the Gods, Goddess, and humans abandend the Bulls and left them to their never ending war. Then one of the Goddess took the side of Light and started fighting along side the Black Bull. Her name was Nyx, Goddess of night, mercy and compassion. Her move changed the world for a couple of decades before the other Gods and Goddess took up their places, again they chose to be on the side of Light or Darkness. The war still continues, and they will allways be there, raming their horns,casting their spells and throwing their spears. All's we can do is wait for the fall of one of the Great Bulls, and no matter wich bull wins, the world will forever be changed. It's or choice, however, to deside if we will stand with the White Bull and fight for the Darkness, or stand with the Black Bull and fight for the Light. Which will you choose?, or have you already chosen?
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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
There were only a few grammar mistakes that I found. Thumbs up
Wicked
Interesting. I liked how you put the form of Light and Darkness into Bulls. Original and really cool. I give you mega poits for being orirginal. Spelling mistakes here and there caught me, but overall it was a great piece of work.
"Her name was Nyx, Goddess of night, mercy, and compassion."
^^^ Explain her more. Please. I couldn't figure out what kindof goddess she was. Is she pretty, powerful, or both? I also couldn't relate to any characters in your work. Sorry, but I really couldn't.
Overall I liked it. I also liked how you ended it with a question.
That was a good story!!!!!!!!! I love stories of the struggles of light and dark that seem to come up a lot. I, myself, have a story I'm working on with that sort of idea. It's almost 40 chapters and i love writing. I also love this story. Things sound great and the areas with problems I can't really help with because I have problems in the same area but i hope you keep going on with this.
ok people listen up!!!!
i didnt know there was a damn spell check button until i wrote my second story ok!!!
so sorry!!
I have to say I love your writing and ideas, if it's yours. I'm not trying to mean or anything, but have you ever read The House of Night series? It sounds just like Kristen and P.C Cast writing and that's sooooooo wrong! I'm a big fan of their books and you have the same goddess, the same bull thing were one is evil and ones good. You even got it down to the color of the bulls. I do hope this is your work because it is brilliant, but not if you took it from someone else.
oh boy does your writing need work. I couldn't even get through because through this whole thing you are telling and not showing, that is a big no no in writing! You also might want to take into consideration of expanding your ideas until they are able to take on a pretty good shape that won't make people just want to skim over. Please work on these things and I am sure you will be able to better your writing.
Hey I am going to review your work
Nice starter, but it doesn't flow to well so I think you need to rephrase it a little, it doesn't flow too well!
did you mean he shone?
I think you meant raging. If you have a word ending in -ing then you take of the letter 'e' before it - if the sentence has an 'e'
I think you meant various!
I think you mean abandoned, and never-ending!
I think you mean all!
You just need to look through and check your spellings, other than that, I think you have something here! Well done
Hey,
I really like this sotry. It is really cool to me. I actually read this type of stuff. I also write things like this. I also saw a few typo's but, everyone has already pointed them out. Like someone said above me (I forgot her name -.-) talent is in thw words not in the grammer. I am new here so if my first review is a little short please excuse me. It will get better. Keep writing.
~Freeze~
I loved the idea. Didn't love much else about it though.
Those sentences needed to be rewritten.Stop misusing commas!
I'd take out that sentence, it's unnecessary. Make the second line the first sentence, and change the tense:
(Sorry if that edit was hard to understand. You get the idea though, right?
The idea of a legend of the beginning of the world was good. But if it's not a smaller part of a larger story, then you can add in more description about the Gods and Goddesses.
I liked how you ended it. It made it seem more like a legend that was being told around a meeting-place fire, or at a village gathering, which is why I think this could be developed into something bigger.
It seems like you scribbled all this down then ran straight to the computer, without even double-checking it yourself. Make sure YOU think it's good before showing it off.
Keep working on your writing. It's a good start.
Alright. Hello there. I am TalaPaulwic, and I will be reviewing you today. I have a few things that I would like to go over about this. I'm hoping I don't come across as cold, but I'm not the nicest reviewer.
Spelling and Grammar.
I really don't mind this too much, but it's annoying after a while.
You need to run your writing through a spell checker before you submit it. I can understand typos, I make them all the time, but you really need to check for them.
You need to stick to past, present, or future tense. If you mix them it confuses the reader, makes it hard to understand, and makes you look like you have no idea what you're doing.
Your grammar isn't bad, but it could be better.
Story, and Style.
In this section I am going to go over what I noted in your style, and what I noted in your storyline. In this I'll have a few more of my personal opinions because I don't have anywhere else to put them.
The plot was very cliché. A battle between good and evil is not very original to begin with. If you're going to do something like that then you really have to go the extra mile to make it something worth reading. All I noticed was a cliché half hearted attempt at writing.
I liked that the bulls were of opposite colors of what you would expect, but that was really the only thing I liked about this.
Your description was lacking. You give a general idea, and then you try to describe it, but you describe it rather poorly. All of this makes me want to roll my eyes and stop reading.
Does this even have a storyline?
Closing.
Again, I'm sorry that I sound mean, I'm not trying to be. You need to improve your writing quite a bit, and that takes time and effort.
This is a very rich idea but it can become a better story. Always proof read and check for spelling errors. Try to describe all characters in great detail so that the reader can understand them. I like the concept. Always read to improve your writing. Also get someone to read over your material before showing it off. Keep writing and good start.
Hey, greenW, I read your story (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this) and I thought it was really good. Your plot is really good and well-ly (I don't think that's even a word) thought out. I noticed a couple spelling, but those are no-biggies. Talent comes from the words, not their spelling.
So, yeah, I liked it. Keep writing!
Hey there,
I like the concept of your story - it shows great potential. I think the others have commented a bit on things that you could touch up on such as spelling and grammar. I'll put my two cents in though:
It's spelt "raging". I also thought instead of continuing after the comma with 'there was' you could possibly change it to 'causing'. It would then read "There were wars that lasted decades, causing raging storms and terrible droughts."
Change the 'us' to 'we'. I don't quite know how to say it but saying "us humans" just sounds a little bogan-ish.
Hmm. I found this sentence hard to understand. I would suggest maybe revising it and re-wording. First of all, 'rammed' is mispelt. To say that they rammed the human race over, it just doesn't sound right. I understand what you're trying to say but "they rammed us over" doesn't have the dramatic effect I think you were looking for. Consider using a different term. Also where you've said that the blood grew and destroyed plants - it makes it sound like the blood is growing the plants, when I think you meant it expanded - killing the plants and animals. You don't need to say "of various sorts" either, it's just uneccesary.
So that's the second paragraph covered. I hope the feedback helps.
Hey there!
I like this. It's intruiging, and certainly something that not many people write about. I love it how you make Light and Dark people, it's a perspective that is not usually considered.
However, I do find this a bit too general. I can't relate with the characters that well. For example:
Describe her. Is she a standard goddess, beautiful, charming? Just make sure to give the characters a little more depth.
I do like your distanced perspective, though. It's appealing. However, be careful to not be too distant. I'd advise you to pretend that you're a camera, watching all this. What does the camera see?
Just something to consider
I did notice a few spelling mistakes throughout the piece, especially in the last paragraph. Make sure to read over it well, and use spell-check too.
One critisicm I have about the actual story is that it is slightly stereotyped, what with darkness being all bad and light being all good. I think that it would be good if light had a few disadvantages, and darkness had a good point - because, after all, nobody's perfect.
So overall, I think with a little more depth and descriptions, this could be great.
I love how you finished this with a question.
Hope I helped, and keep writing! I would like to see more of this story.
~Lilicia
I'll only review the first paragraph, but that should be a guideline on what you may need to improve/edit/fix. Also, I didn't check all the errors/areas which may need improving. Try using a thesaurus to use more descriptive words, but don't just simply throw in whatever you see. You've forgotten some commas and added several unnecessary commas. Try comparing your work with, hmm, an excerpt from a novel written by a good author.
Some of the descriptions you have are unclear and ambiguous. For example (not in your work) you could say, "Mary Sue was a student." Okay, we know she's a student, but what kind of student is she? Is she a carefree, happy high school student or is she a studious, reserved college student?
But I can definitely see the theme of your piece. All you need to do is make it more clearer with more solid grammar, punctuation and improvements in your descriptions.
It's actually quite good for a start!
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I will first off start with the places I thought needed some correction
This is quite a good idea. The problem is you have to work hard on your writing. You tend to confuse your tenses a lot and your grammar also needs some work. You should also try and spell check your work, give it to a friend to read over just to make sure. You did not elaborate on your ideas which made this seem like an abstract or a rough draft of what you are going to write about. I believe that with more writing exercises you can improve because there is a lot of potential in your writing and your story. You should definitely continue this story to elaborate more on your idea, maybe write a novel.