Published June 15, 2011
in a bright sunny casual day there was Bob a tall popular likeable young man which realy had a knack with the ladies.
his charming appearance would leave them to think he realy had a thing for them. of course he didnt. he thought he didnt need a relationship. Some one to be with but suddenly just as he was laughing at the thought of a relationship came this big large hidious woman with a Big long thick beard and hair all over her face and some one which not many people would tap. bob then knew he was beggining to fall in love. a feeling which he had never expierenced. after all those women. a big large beardy hidious woman would changed his feelings completely. a feeling thatll never feel again. his eyes were fixed on her the whole time. when he finnaly got the courage and said "Hey. but those words were very light and almost hard to hear. he looked past hear beard and her facial hair and he stared into those eyes and he walked up to her. she noticed this tall charming man approaching her and she suddenly felt the same. relieved that some one actually finds here attractive and has feelings for her. she starts to also fall in love with Bob but aware of his reputation of being this man who slept with any one. she tryed to look past it. while bob set his charm on her. she finnaly said " how do i know thats not something you say to any girl. and his response "you dont you just gotta trust me" . and suddenly they kissed and every one looked at them and frowned and disgusted at Bobs choice of that woman. he didnt care because he loved the big large hidious beardy woman.
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I like this a lot. Well done!
Ok, a few things. Lemme see...
It was a bright, sunny, casual day. Bob, a tall, popular, likeable young man who really had a knack with the ladies was standing casually by the water's edge.
His charming appearance would leave them to think he really had a thing for them. Of course, he didn't. He thought he didn't need a relationship. Someone to be with.
But suddenly, just as he was laughing at the thought of a relationship, a large, hideous woman with a big, long, thick beard and hair all over her face appeared near the water's edge. She was someone which not many people would tap. (< Not sure what you mean by this?)
Bob knew he was beginning to fall in love. A feeling which he had never experienced. After all those women, all those beautiful women, a large, beard-ridden, hideous woman had changed his feelings completely. A feeling that he'll never feel again.
His eyes were fixed on her the whole time. When he finally got the courage and said "Hey", the words came out light and hard to hear. He stared past her facial hair and into her eyes and he walked up to her. She noticed this tall, charming man approaching her and she suddenly felt the same; relieved that someone actually finds her attractive and has feelings for her.
She starts to also fall in love with Bob, but was aware of his reputation of being this man who slept with anyone. She tried to look past it. He set a sort of charm onto her.
She finally replied, "How do I know that's not something you say to any girl?"
His response was, "You don't. You just gotta' trust me".
Suddenly they embraced in a kiss and everyone stared at them, frowning disgusted at Bob's choice of woman. Bob didn't care. He just ignored them, because he loved the large, hideous woman.
( Just a few fixes! c: )
Hey, it might even help if you type it out in Microsoft Word 2007. That would solve a lot of probs. for you!
I realy liked it, it was awsome. And I'm sure you already know about all the grammer mistakes. So I won't embarrass you anymore.
Oh my gosh! I loved it! There were a couple of typos in there that you might need to look over. But, good diction, strong voice throughout the piece. Overall it was an awesome story. Keep on writing!
Hello there! Like the others, I am here to review!
Okay, let's start with the first thing I noticed. You don't start each sentence with a capital letter. Even just seeing that you use only lower case letters will turn readers away before they even actually read the story, and you don't want that, do you?
Another thing I recommend is starting a new paragraph each and every time a new character starts speaking, as well as every time you change the subject. That way, your readers won't be so confused as to what's going on.
It'd probably be best to run this piece through spell check, and then double check with a dictionary, because there are probably about 10 spelling mistakes within this paragraph that are very easy to fix.
Below I just put a few suggestions, but it's up to you what you do with them.
Just a suggestion. I hope you didn't find this harsh, I was really only trying to help, I'm sure it'll be great once it's fixed up and proofread! The concept is quirky and would be very entertaining. Best of luck!
Hello!
This is a very rough draft. I don't think I still need to clarify about your grammars, spellings, letter cases and punctuation. The reviewers above me has beat me to it, and you do really need to listen to them. I know you have this quick writing here, maybe because you just want to let the readers get the direct point of the story. However, that's just not enough. You don't really have attracted the readers to read everything, even though for the fact that it is really short. Quality wise, this didn't even get a passing mark because I know you can do so much better than this. Don't be in a hurry, have a good pace and always be wary of knowing a good short story. Although I have to say that the message you're trying to convey to us is pretty clear, but just as I've said before, this can still be varnished and fixed.
~Yuri
P.S Why is this even in Action/Adventure Forum?
Okay, I'm going to start my review off by making this easier on the eyes. ^^ I'm sorry, but your grammar and spelling is atrocious.
Spoiler
His charming appearance would leave them to think he really had a thing for them. Of course he didn't. He thought he didn't need a relationship, someone to be with. Suddenly, just as he was laughing at the thought of a relationship, there came this large hideous woman with a long thick beard and hair all over her face; someone that not many people would tap.
Bob then knew he was beginning to fall in love. A feeling which he had never experienced after all those women. A large, bearded, hideous woman had changed his feelings completely. His eyes were fixed on her the whole time. When he finally got the courage, he said, "Hey." But that word was very light and almost hard to hear. He looked past her facial hair and he stared into those eyes as he walked up to her. She noticed this tall charming man approaching her and she suddenly felt the same, relieved that some one someone actually found her attractive and had feelings for her.
She started to also fall in love with Bob, but was aware of his reputation of being this man who'd sleep with anyone. She tried to look past it while Bob set his charm on her. She finally said, "How do I know that's not something you say to every girl?"
He replied, "You don't, you just gotta trust me." Suddenly they kissed, and everyone stared, frowning in disgust at Bobs choice of woman. He didn't care because he loved the large, hideous, bearded woman.
It's a nice idea to convey, but it's highly unlikely that something like this would happen. Perhaps at first he'd be revolted, but then come to realize she was a lovely woman after he got to know her, and then fall in love. The story was incredibly short, and difficult to read. I suggest that before you post next time, write the story in a new Microsoft Word document and spellcheck it. I also suggest you add more of a plot to your stories. It will help you improve to get more creative, and also, more people will like it.
Hope I helped!
>>Annie<<
Hi there, Greatman. Listen what you wrote was okay - the idea you wanted to convey was good, but the entire piece was not well structured. You need to be a bit more descriptive and also improve your spellings. All in all it was a good work and with practice you can do quite well.
Hi,
While I see where you were going with this, I can't help but to say damn. There are so many errors, it is hard to follow, there is hardly any detail nor information, spelling errors, grammar errors, no structure what-so-ever, and more. If you wish to write, that's fine, but please do it right. If it weren't for the plentiful mistakes, it'd be wonderful. You must work on this. Did you even preview it before submitting it? Don't get me wrong, it's sweet and all, but don't you think it all moved a little too fast? Us readers don't even know the girl's name! We know next to nothing about "Bob", and even less about the woman. Please keep trying! I apologize if this sounds rude, but I think people should seriously realize their mistakes and not have people realize them for them. Especially the simple ones. If they are complicated, then i guess it's fine if you don't notice it. Just always remember the foundation of writing: Structure. Next is grammar. Then build off of that. Well, this is getting rather long so I guess I'll leave you with this. Please, try again.
Farewell,
A.
So I laughed when I read your piece. It's nice to know that there's a guy out there who will like a girl even if she has facial hair.
You need to capitalize your I's and at the beginning of a new sentence. Another thing is you spelled a lot of words wrong and if your going to tell me you did it on purpose....oh well.
Now down to the nitty gritty.
Overall it was an enjoyable read. With a few grammer corrections it would be perfect. tote.
Grammar and spelling is so important! Capital letters! Punctuation! Spelling, spelling, spelling! Oh, my gosh! Grr! Bad grammar and misspellings can actually deter a reader. It was hard to want to read due to this. Even if you're not going to continue this story, things need to be fixed.
So, basically, grammar, spelling, and redundancy.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings or discourage you or anything. That was totally not my intention. I just feel really strongly about this stuff. Grammar and spelling make up the backbone of writing, if you ask me. I know how boring it is to learn it, but it's so important! I am just trying to help, not hurt you.
Hi there, Flowerboy! I'm here to review. Okay, so first off I hate the fact that you use no uppercases, I think I'll get use to it or a better idea would be to use them, 'til then I hate it. =.= Another thing is... how did they fall in love if they barely knew each other? It seems like he's gonna use her. It was kind of awkward. And I gotta say I agree with the user above. But anyways, it's good to see you writing again. ^_^
In a bright sunny causual day, there was Bob, a tall popular likeable young man which really had a knack with the ladies.
'Really' is with two l's. ^_^
Someone to be with, but suddenly, just as he was laughing at the thought of a relationship, came this big large hidious woman with a big long thick beard and hair all over her face,
andsomeone which not many people would tap.Bob is a name Jorge, could you just press 'shift' once in a while?? >;[ LOL
You forgot the apostrophe in "that'll".
When he finally got the courage to say "Hey.", but those words were very light, and almost hard to hear.
You wrote 'hear' instead of 'her'. And notice all the 'and's' you repeated it too much. I think you should rewrite this sentence. ^_^
'Anyone' should be written together.
It's 'tried'.
She finally said, "How do I know that's not something you say to any girl?" And his responce was, "You don't, you just gotta trust me. "
Bob's. ^_^
~Solvy
Howdy there!
What you have written is okay. It's not to a quality standard though. The moral/idea is good you need to develop. Give descriptions, lengthen this piece. Change your wording, it needs strengthening out a little.
Firstly where is your structure? This is a key element to writing. I see that you have written in a block paragraph, when a reader takes a look at it, it's going to firstly put them off reading it and secondly make it harder to follow. Split it up into sections to make it easier.
In addition to this your grammar and punctuation is poor. Capital letters are rarely used at the start of a new sentence and speech marks have been used incorrectly.
To be honest the key is to not be sloppy, check what you have written, quality of writing is as important as layout and the idea. If one is lacking in depth then it's highly noticeable.
I hope I helped