Roses are blue and violets are red
Everything’s effed up and Daddy is dead
Late last night someone came in the door
Daddy was stumbling in with his whore
Mommy was passed out in the next room
They were too tipsy to realize they’re doomed
Mommy heard them laughing and quickly got up
She took a sip of syrup from her pink sippy cup
Over it all, Mommy grabbed her knife
This was the night Daddy would lose his life
When they fell asleep Mommy stood next to the bed
Husbands can’t cheat on their wives when they’re dead
She dragged them to the kitchen and they were tied up
Mommy sipped more syrup from her sippy cup
She’s been trying to hide her marriage’s downfall
Just numbing the pain with more alcohol
She gave them a smirk as they opened their eyes
Mommy aimed her knife and told him goodbye
I sat straight up because I heard screaming
I quaked in fear, in hope I was dreaming
The screaming went on, I hope Daddy’s okay
My brother was sleeping, I called out his name
We met in the hallway as the house went silent
I shuddered and said “I think Mommy got violent”
We went down the stairs, rubbing our eyes
I was so scared I started to cry
We got downstairs, terror filling our heads
We both saw a sheet that was covered in red
Our eyes were as big as our level of fear
We realized our father is no longer here
He lifted the sheet and started to shake
This couldn’t be real. This has to be fake.
He took my hand and led me away
We wondered if Mommy had something to say
She was on the couch, just sipping her drink
From her sippy cup that’s pink
She tried fixing a family out of control
But now she’s revealed the evil of her soul
She’s drinking poison from a cup for a child
She’s trying to make her sins seem mild
Blood’ll still stain when she washes the sheets
Memories of pain she can never delete
Liquor can’t solve, alcohol only numbs
He tried to be sneaky but she’s not effing dumb
With my head in my hands I continued to weep
Daddy had slipped into an endless sleep
Mommy was calmer than she’s ever been
“He’ll never be able to cheat on me again”
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hello again, graphiteshimmer, PastelSlushie here for review number 12 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it!
Okay so I know this is sort of introduction to this and I didn't review it because I don't enjoy poetry much, but in getting into it a bit so my apologizes for kind of skipping this like it was a useless prologue.
The first thing I want to talk about is originality. Not only do you start with the "roses are red" part, murder, notatter what format of writing it is in, is pretty overused and doesn't bring a lot to the table. Especially since in the first and second chapter I previously reviewed, while you stayed true with the characters, you made your own plot. But with this poem, you wrote down a disc ally the song in the form of a poem.
As far as I know, killing people on poetry isn't very entertaining and this brings nothing new to the table. But, your imagery was pretty nice, and as Aley said, in poetry the more specific kk details you are, the better. I feel you're kind of in the middle with this. You describe emotions, the color of mom's soppy cup, and I could even imagine the taste in achohol in some parts.
I really feel you could've token this poem a lot further with story telling and details, but I feel the strict rhyminfnhere limits that. But on the good side for the rhyming, it makes everything seem natural and sort of happy, even as someone is getting murdered.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,
Pastel
Hello graphiteshimmer,
So I'm going to give you a little different review on this poem and I'm just going to review based on the criteria I usually use to judge poetry versus other poetry. Those are how well you did with imagery, theme, structure, originality, and entertainment value.
For this poem, you really did well with several of the categories. You did well with the structure, just had one error in it, one hiccup if you will, and the imagery was vivid and nice, and the entertainment value too. So let's talk about each one individually. If I had to pick a top dog for you, it would be that you did best with imagery.
Imagery was your best category because of all of the sensory details. You added in screaming, the colors of the cup, and even some of taste as you get into the idea of alcoholic beverages. The only way this could have been better is if you included more of it. Specificity is a game in poetry, and I think you're playing it a little timid. The more specific you get with your images, the better off you're going to be.
I would have to say that your worst category would be originality. Not only do you use the classic "roses are red" type of thing, but murder in a poem really isn't that original, and I watched Forensic Files recently where they had a case where a girl listened to her mom getting killed in a kitchen. It wasn't really like this, but the memory is still pretty fresh. Poems about murder really aren't that, strange, surprisingly.
Your second BEST would have to be entertainment value though because I was actually entertained by the poem in the same morbid way I'm entertained by things that go bump in the night and mules killing mountain lions.
Your second LOWEST is theme, basically for the same reason as above. Killing people in poetry really isn't that entertaining and you don't really bring anything new to the genre. You wrote a poem from a child's point of view in a child's rhyme and did something very adult, handling an adult situation. Yeah, that happens. I'd like to see you progress to writing strictly as a child as people have done and not trying to preach about why she did it or what pushed her to that point, but hey, that's a personal choice.
That means your middle of the road is structure! With your structure you did a good job but you missed the flow here:
"She’s drinking poison from a cup for a child
She’s trying to make her sins seem mild"
To me everything else reads more like this:
"Me-mor-ies of pain, she can ne-ver de-lete"
Da-da-da da dun, da da da-da da-dun
Lots of quick soft beats, then a solid end beat in the middle of the line and at the end. These other two lines read smoothly to the end, there's no break in the middle. That breaks up the flow.
All in all, here's your order of best to least-best.
Imagery
Entertainment
Structure
Theme
Originality
As a closing statement I'd like to say that I think you are a good writer for poetry, you just need to shake yourself loose a bit and come up with something you want to talk about. I'd suggest reading some Poe or Hughes or Collins if you're looking for inspiration.
-Aley
Hey, I'm here to review!
Oh damn it, the first two lines are just wonderful. The first one tricks us into thinking this is going to be a lighthearted poem while the second just smacks us right in the face with its seriousness and darkness in tone. I love it. It's a narrative done in rhyming and I want to know what's going to that escalates to Dad being dead.
As a side note, you don't need to censor words like 'whore'. You can simply use the warning tags in the Publishing Center to warn the readers and continues with what you have written. Also, it seems like you have difficulty in putting a space. I suggest pressing SHIFT and ENTER at the same time respectively to get to a new line. If the problem persists, feel free to PM me and I'll guide you through it.
I would suggest not to tell readers it's Dad's cheating that makes Mommy grabs her knife. It's pretty obvious from the previous lines that would be the reason for her action.
This is such a blunt and truthful line that makes it stand out. It also gives a voice to the narrator, which I appreciate very much.
I think this is a tense slip. It's better to be in past tense.
This is when I'm not sure whose view you're using. The narrator seems to be Mommy in her PoV, but these lines make it clear it's the child, and since he hears screaming and doesn't see what has caused it, the previous lines where we are told about what has happened shouldn't be there. I would advise to keep the PoV omniscient and refer I as the child. It would seem like the narrator knows everything, hence all these lines about what's happened.
Level doesn't get big, it gets higher/increases. I would omit the word and just state their fear is as big as their eyes.
Overall, I think the story is creepy, though it's not visual enough. There's an opportunity missed when the killing happens; you can expand on the scene and instils more fear in readers. It would be a challenge to do so though because of the strict rhyming in this poem, but the rhyming is what made the poem wonderful because while the content is serious and terrifying, the way we would recite this poem makes everything that happens casual, like observing the weather.
That is all. Keep up the good job!
Thank you so much! I'll get onto fixing those mistakes
And, I had spent a while contemplating the "Our eyes were as big as our level of fear" line, because I had caught that. But, for some reason, I thought it would go along with the rhythm of the poem if I added those few extra syllables. How do you think I should change it?
You're welcome! You can say, 'Our eyes widened, as big as our fears' if you want to make it a bit longer.
Hi I'm here to do a review. I like your poem, I like the lyrical feel of it. I think you did a good job describing the situation, especially through the younger child. My only problem is that you might say which Molina martinez song you used in the description, just for the people who might not know the artist or can't catch which song it is. Good story.