*Chapter One*
"The Day I Lost My Childhood"
It's always days like these when you know life is too perfect, and something is going to come and mess it all up. I remember crying uncontrollably. My whole life slipping through my finger tips. Thinking maybe, if I grasp this, I can change history, change its course. But, at age thirteen, I knew that wasn't possible, and I would have to go on with the rest of my life.
*Flashback*- To two years ago
"Genesis! Jocelyn! We're going to the store! We'll back in ten minutes, loves! Dad's going to walk you to the neighbors quickly, and then come back here. Mommy loves you!" Jocelyn and I stop splashing and giggling, jump out of the pool and engulf mom in a hug. She squeezes us and we squeal with delight. She kisses us on the forehead. "My teenagers! Seems like just yesterday I was bringing you home from the hospital! Happy Birthday! I love you so much!" Jocelyn and I race over to dad as he escorts us to the neighbors where we hang out on the lawn with the neighbor's kids, Easton and Paisley. Mom and dad blow us kisses as they pull out of the driveway together.
As I approach Easton he winks at me. Heat rises to my cheeks. I go and take a seat next to him. A second later I feel him pull me into his lap and hold me. A rush of excitement runs through me. "Hey." He whispered quietly.
"Hey." A grin spread across my face the way a wild fire spreads across a dry field.
"You're blushing." He smirked at me. I playfully glared at him, and he laughed.
"Hey..." My sister studied me on Easton's lap and sent me a questioning look. I shot out of Easton's lap, causing me to elbow him in the face. Embarrassment flowed through me.
"I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz!" I glared at my sister, and took a seat next to Paisley. She just smiled at me. I sent her a warning look and she backed off. The next half hour passed awkwardly as we played board game and ate snacks by the pool.
An hour later, I'm pacing all over the neighbors lawn, a nervous wreck, worried sick about my parents. Why aren't they back yet?!? They said they'd be gone for ten minutes! It's been an hour! Suddenly, the neighbors phone rings. I stop pacing, and look over to Easton's mom, who sprints to answer it. A few moments later, her face falls. Jocelyn runs over to me, grabs my hand and squeezes it. Easton's mom starts crying when she meets our gaze. I disconnect my hand from my sisters, I look away, and run. I run till I can't run anymore. I couldn't stick around to hear the news, I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was bad. The guilt starts to consume me over leaving Jocelyn like that. We're sisters, we're supposed to be there for each other. I failed her. What kind of a sister am I? I sigh, frustrated, tears falling down my face, voluntarily.
A half an hour later, my face soaked with tears, I hear footsteps. Easton surrounds me with his muscular arms. We sit there for twenty minutes, with me soaking his shirt with tears, while he stroked my hair, telling me everything was going to be alright. I look up, and my eyes meet with sorrowful eyes full of pain, and leaking tears. My mirror looks at me with her big, sad blue eyes, the same as mine. Easton gets up, sets me down, and leaves. I get up and Jocelyn runs into my arms, we sit there crying for what seems like hours, then she whispers the two words I wasn't ready to face yet, if ever. She pulls away from our hug, looks at my tear streaked face, grabs my hands, squeezes them, and says, "They're gone..." I collapse shaking, tears pouring out of my eyes the way water cascades down a rocky waterfall. Jocelyn gathers me in her arms and holds me. After about two hours, she grabs my face in her tiny hands, and says "We're going to get through this, but only together." I nod and collapse in tears, yet again, hugging my sister back. And that's just what we did. We got through it, together, as sisters.
*End of flashback*
Author's Note: Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story! Reviews are appreciated :)!! I will post down here when the next chapter is up, so check back here often! I know this chapter is short, its because it was a flashback, and I was giving the readers a background, the following chapters will be much longer! And as of now, the second chapter is up! Go check it out! Thanks :)!!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty here to review! I saw chapter 2 in the green room so I thought I would catch up with chapter 1 first. And with that, onto the review...
I liked the way you started it. It set the tone for the story and let us know that something bad had already happened which draws the reader in to wonder what that was. It was also nicely written, so nice job! Now onto some nitpicks:
Like I said, I liked the way you wrote the first paragraph, but you started it with saying "it's always these days..." which generally makes you feel like the sentence should continue with "when..." So, "It's always days like these when you know life is too perfect, and something is going to come and mess it all up, when..." something bad happens? It just doesn't quite feel like the sentence is complete.
Unless you're writing a screenplay, saying *flashback* is unnecessary. Just saying "Two years ago..." is fine.
I thought the part when the mom came out to give them a hug was really sweet, but it also made them sound a lot younger than they were. Like saying they were giggling and engulfed in their moms hug which made them squeal, I was sort of imagining five-year-olds.
The entire chapter switches tenses. So, the first two paragraphs are in present tense, then part of the way into the third through seventh lines it's past tense. Then for two it's present, then then final one is past. I think it makes sense for the first paragraph to be present and the rest to be past, since it's in the past. But whichever you decide to do is fine, just make sure it's consistent.
And last but not least, the part when she runs away seemed sort of quick and abrupt. Perhaps you can drag it out a bit or put more detail into it. Where did she go? How did she get out of the house? Also, in this part, be sure to show and not tell. You're pretty good about showing in the next paragraph but I think you could show her immediate reaction a bit better. Did her stomach tighten up in knots? Did her throat close up with tears? Was she shocked? Devastated? Was she numb? Did she start to panic or hyperventilate? How did she feel when she saw the woman's face fall? Just something to think about.
Ok, so I really liked this and I like the way you write. This was a really good, important flashback that didn't seem cliche, which a lot of flashbacks are. I got a good feel for Genesis and Jocelyn and I like Genesis's character. I also thought their sister relationship was nice. Nice job! I'm looking forward to reading chapter two and as to where the story will go from here. Keep up the good work and keep writing!
-Lefty
Well your story is interesting, and I'm curious to see where exactly you're going with it! Once I'm finished here, I'm going to go and read the second chapter which I see you've already posted. But, on with the review!
Let's start with the simple stuff, shall we? Grammar and typos! Things that can easily be fixed if you just read over it, but it helps when you have another reader to point them out to you.
The first paragraph: "you know life is to perfect" in this, 'to' should be 'too'. "My whole life slipping underneath my finger tips." It should be "through my fingertips" (or just "through my fingers"), not "underneath" them. "I knew this wasn't possible," And lastly, "this" should be "that", I think. I'm not 100% sure on this one, to be honest. But I think that's how it's supposed to be?
"We'll back in ten minutes loves!" should be "We'll be back in ten minutes, loves!" (I'm assuming their Mother is calling them "loves", so there should be a comma between "minutes" and "loves")
"Easton's moms face falls." Here, you could just said "A moment later, her face falls." Because we'd already know who you were talking about. You keep saying "Easton's Mom" when it's not necessary each time you say it.
Like Zee and Redbox said, it's a little strange that Genesis ran away after Easton's Mother began to cry. If you still want Genesis to run, I suggest having her run AFTER she's told that one (or both) of her parents have died.
At the beginning of the last paragraph, you can talk out the "A" and just leave it as "Half an hour later"
"I look up, and my eyes meet with sorrowful eyes full of pain, and leaking tears. My mirror looks at me with her big, sad blue eyes, the same as mine." At this point, I was incredibly confused. I thought you'd jumped from Easton hugging and comforting her, to her looking into an actual mirror. I suggest you fix this and make it more apparent that she's look at Jocelyn, her twin.
They sat crying for two hours? This doesn't really NEED to be fixed, but it's hard for me to believe that someone would sit in the street crying for two whole hours. Then again, I've never had either of my parents die, so I can't say for sure.
I have to say, your descriptions are a lot better than your dialogue. Especially when the Mom is speaking, it seems majorly unrealistic. I can't possibly imagine a Mother hugging her two thirteen year old children and saying, "My little teenagers!" No offence, but that's just really... not believable. So I'm gonna give you some advice on how to make realistic dialogue! First, say it out loud, picture yourself in that situation to see if it seems like something YOU would ever actually say. If yes? Sure, I guess, keep it. If not? It shouldn't be there. It also helps to read dialogue to another person and have them read parts of the dialogue back to you (like a script) because hearing someone else say it helps you see it in a different light, and they can also give you feedback on whether or not it sounds like realistic dialogue.
The entire thing feels rather rushed, so I suggest that you go back and add in more things to give it a more steady pace. The biggest think I think you could add is something with Easton. Have them hang out with him, give him some dialogue, tell us who he and his sibling, Paisley, is like. Let us get to know the characters that are in your story, because the characters are honestly the best part of anything you could ever write! It'd be a shame to neglect them.
That's all I have to say. Onto chapter two! I hope this was helpful. Keep writing, and good luck!
Thank you! I will go back and make more changes!
I really liked this and I want to hear more but I do have some suggestions for you. First thing why was she so nervous when her parents were only gone for an hour. I don't know if this is normal but my parents are gone for that long and I don't get nervous. Another thing why did she run away when her friends mom started to cry. That could be anything not that her parents died.
I agree redbox 257, both of her parents dying in different places. Not likely but plausible. Now please don't get me wrong I really did like this and I want to know where it leads so I'm not trying to be mean in anyway I would just think if you maybe planned it out better it would lead to a better story plot and story all together.
Now for praise, I loved the first paragraph. I don't usually like first person writing but I really enjoyed the way you wrote it. Good descriptions all around which made it for a better read. Just please don't be offended by my review I want you to keep writing thanks.
I'm not offended at all! I really like when people give me comments and suggestions. I will try to make it a little more clear, about the running away part, but the part where the readers keep thinking that they leave separately it says the parents leave the driveway together, I'll go back and make it more clear, though. And, maybe you didn't notice, but the mother says their going to the store, and they'll be back in ten minutes, then an hour passes, but I'll go back, and make it more clear, because I keep getting questions in that. Thanks so much though for your review, I will go back and edit! Thanks so much for taking your time to read this!
Great hope to see the next edit! 0.o
Next chapter is up! Says Lies, Cheating, Tears, & More Lies- Chapter 2 If u wanna check it out! %uD83D%uDE0A
The first paragraph was a really good hook. It was vague and had many possibilites of what could've had happpened. Although I was confused on some parts of the story. Why was she pacing nerviously. What was she nervious about especially? Then isn't it an extremely weird coincidence that both her parents died when the mom was going to the store and the dad somewhere else? They were in different places and died within the same hour of each ohter.
Despite the first paragraph being great with hooking me the entire chapter doesn't do that. Yes, it makes me ask questions but I feel like I am nitpicking. I hope that made sense. I do want to see where it goes still so keep writing!!
Redbox275
Thanks! I actually have 3 other chapters done. I just joined so I need more coins to put the other ones up, but I will try to have them up soon! I will try to make the other things more clear! It says the parents pull out of the driveway, there together when the accident happens, it will get more into that in the chapters to come. Maybe you noticed, but the mother says there going to be back in a few minutes, then an hour passes, that's why she's nervous. Sorry for the confusion, I'll go back and edit! But thanks so much for your review!
I get it. Should read more carefully next time.
No its cool, I keep getting the same questions, so I'm going to go back and make that more clear!
Next chapter is up if your interested! Called Lies, Cheating, Tears, & More Lies-Chapter 2
Oh yeah I already read it. I will review later