Young Writers Society

Hi. this is Queenofscience. I would like to say that i really liked your essay. I feel that due to you battling this illness and continueing to work hard at school with make a good impresson on you.

Currentlay, I am going through somthing similer to you. It's a health issue, a very bad mentla illness and what is worse is that no one understand outside of my theripist at school. She can only help me so much. My family think that i am crezy and stuff and I have no support outside of friends on the internet. Every day I struggle. Every day is a new challange and I honistly don't feel like continuing my few collage classes. It's not because I'm a slacker, but because I have no drive to do anything. This is also due to my illness. I have been suffering for months.

I know how you feel, honsitly. You can pm me if you want/if you just want someone to talk to or anything.

Oh, and what is worse for me ( not saying that your situation was not horribal or anything because it is, and i very glad that your better ) that what i'm going though is a 'mental' illness. And it hurts because people stigimitze mental illness so heavly, so I have no one to talk to beucase apperantly 'mental health/illness' is a massive no-no according to scocity. This is what I hate most of all besides my symtioms.

If you want to talk about whatever, PM me ok.

Hi there gottahaveFaith!

It's truly inspiring to hear your story and for that reason I wish that I wasn't here to review this piece. My intentions aren't to review your life story, but since college applications are a big deal, I tried to read it with as critical eyes as possible, as if I was a college teacher determining whether to give you a place or not.

The first paragraph needs to be clarified a bit, in my opinion. I think you should make sure right from the start that you're talking about fighting with personal issues, not against other people with your fists. You do touch this a bit, but when I first read this, I was a bit confused because I didn't realise what sort of fighting you were talking about. Since the first paragraph is one of the most important bits in any text, I would try and reach perfection with it. Also, I wasn't sure why you mentioned "giving up" - there didn't seem to be a prompt for that.

Moving on!

When you started talking about the ways the disease affected you, it sounds a bit like a list. It's good to let the readers know your background, but don't present them with just facts. How did the symptoms affect you and your school work? How did you decide you needed to push through it?

It was difficult, but I pressed on and finished the school year with a 3.4 GPA. It was not an easy task but I fought hard for my grades even with me missing a lot of the information.

I learned to fight for myself, but I also learned that I am not the only one.

Hi there!

Well, so let me go over the essay and interject it with my thoughts :

Not all fighting is dangerous, or violent, and sometimes not even against someone else. Fighting is bravery, strength, and courage. It’s persistence, it’s not giving up, and it is determination. I think the sentence here would sound nicer if it was something like It's persistence and determination. It is not giving up. This structure gives it more of an impact It’s not easy, typically fighting means a struggle but just because it is a struggle doesn’t mean you give up.I like your opening paragraph. Sets the tone well

I know what it’s like to fight, but I needed to find strength within me to win the battle. December of 2011 (I maybe wrong, but should it be : In December 2011 or something like this? I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I felt defeated since it was my own body turning against me. I couldn’t eat anything without having to throw up, I couldn’t last a day without a fever, and when I went to see a doctor they were perplexed. I ended up losing 30 pounds, and was not able to get up; because of this I missed a great portion of school. It was difficult, but I pressed on and finished the school year with a 3.4 GPA. It was not an easy task but I fought hard for my grades even with me missing a lot of the information.You could talk about how you put in extra effort; how you worked hard through the portion missed. Also, I really hope you take care. c:

A year after being diagnosed, my junior year, I was still suffering from medical issues. During this time period, along with fighting Crohn’s, I got in a snowboarding accident and suffered from a concussion and whip lash. Once again I missed school for a while to recover from my injuries. Even when I could go back to school it was difficult since I had to wear a neck brace. I ended up being months behind in work and I stayed after almost every day to make up what I needed to. I worked all the way up to the last day of school in order to hand everything in. Battling a concussion seemed even worse than having Crohn’s since I couldn’t exactly retain or remember the knowledge. The sad thing is I like learning new information and gaining knowledge but all my medical issues made it hard to accomplish that. I didn’t stop trying though and I finished my year with a 3.0 GPA and still made it my mission to understand what I didn’t before. understand what? I don't think I'm getting your point here.

I think you can work on a better starting sentence. It would be nice if you transition from the previous para into this. Something about how maybe getting help from peers was difficultl, but it taught you to fight etc. And then say how it taughtyou to fight for others. --- I just think you can work on these sentences/reorder them to make it flow better. You could fight for your rights, for love, for yourself, but what I found most important is to fight for others. I have learned throughout my life to be brave, to stick up for those who can’t stick up for themselves. I know what it is like to get bullied, it happened every day in middle school. No one stood up for me or came to my rescue. I learned to fight for myself, but I also learned that I am not the only one. I wanted everyone to feel safe in their environment and feel like they had someone to count on. I learned from Gandhi that Inin. Small typo order to see a change in the world, you have to start with yourself. I no longer let people walk all over me, or anybody I see getting harassed. I refused to be an innocent bystander even if that meant they attacked me next. I learned how important it is to fight for other people because if I show I am willing to stand up for them, then they can stand up for themselves too.

I am shaped through my experiences. I wouldn’t be who I am today without the problems I’ve faced and the lessons I have learned because of them. I am a fighter of good, rather than evil. I lead by example, to show others that you can be successful if you’re willing to fight for what you want whether that’s personal health, or anti-bullying. It’s possible to fight without fists, and it’s possible for change without violence. If you have the determination and strength to fight, you have the power to succeed.