Published October 21, 2010
There's something that makes me feel human i did not know what it was until i meet him.i already knew it was not my brother or one of my sisters or even my mum,though she is amazing.now let me tell you the story of how we met...
"ABBI GET DOWN HERE!"shouted my mum from the bottom of the stairs,i had only just got changed and i had not had the chance to brush my hair yet.yet as usual when i get down stairs all i get is the usual rubbish from my younger nerdy brother"you should get up earlier Abbi."he said to me.i just nodded as usual,thts what i always do.
"just change your sisters nappie please Abbi."my mum sounded deparate so i helped her.
"what ya doin tonight sis."my 6 year old sister asked me.
"im going to a party,with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight."
"is that tonigh Abbi?im going to work ohh no who will look after the kids?"
then it was then i knew what to do>
"DANIEL!"
"yes"
"look after the kids tonight for mum please."
"of course i will"
"good problem solved then"
"no its not Abbi"
right so after that it was sorted.
and if you want to no what happens after you will have to ead my next story.
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey, I'm Emaly, I'll be your reviewer for today. -Insert deep breath here-. We start off on a good note, I don't see any spelling mistakes. Well, besides my own name. On top of that, I only skimmed it right now. But alas, I'm not even a sentence into reading and you hit my biggest pet peeve. Capitalizing I's.
This burns my eyes. They want to melt of of my sockets. When trying to show an exclamatory sentence, you DON'T NEED TO BEAT THE SHIFT KEY. Just use a exclamation point! They are so useful when trying to portray yelling, shouting, screaming, crying, etc. Also, after a piece of dialog, and after the " you put a space. For example.When an I stands on it's own, it is capitalized. No if, ands or buts about it.
Shift key is your friend. You use it at the beginning of sentences as well. Also, when saying one's name. Like, For example, Emaly. You capitalize the E. Silly Google Chrome says I spell my name wrong.
Now, who is this 'we'. All we know of the MC, is that she is female and has life problems. Honey, we all have issues. You need to be more specific. What about the guy? Who is he?
"Mom! Mom! Mom!" shouted... Not "Mom! Mom! Mom!"Shouted.
It just looks neater. Don't you agree?
After a period, you also put a space. Yet, yet.... sounds a bit repetitive... no? ...My hair yet, and as usual when... sounds better.
When starting dialog you go down a line. Then another line when the next person begins talking.
First spelling error. That's.
Another error. Tonight.
There is so much wrong with this bit. Grammar. Short Dialog. Lack of explanation as to whom is talking. It makes me want to cry, and defiantly not in a good way.
Yes, I'm even critiquing the authors note. Because it made me cry harder, and again, it's not in a good way.
Never start a sentence with and. Know, not no. No is the opposite of yes, know is knowledge. Next, not after. Spelling error, read*. Wouldn't it be chapter? If you are continuing this then it would be the next chapter.
Hope this helps. PM me when you edit it.
Ahh! I almost lost this review! That would have been horrible!
Hey there, Gothic. Okay, so I think this story could use some work, especially with punctuation and grammar.
Really, for the most part, you need to just fix the grammar. Until then, this is difficult to read and scrambled. You do have a possibly good idea, just try and make some changes. ^^
Let me know if you need more help or if that didn't make sense.
Good luck.
~Heather
Hi there!
I dearly hope you had formatted this a lot better to make it easily readable.
I suggest you repost it and then I'll read it again and give further comments.
Looking forward to it!
Smiles,
Alexxa
Hello there
Book here and I'm going to review this story :3
Just to warn you, I don't usually like to critic people's story :S But I think this time I kinda have to D8
You did a lot of mistakes in your story...Such as the "i" should have been caps.
You also have a lot of typos, examples = 'thts' which is 'that'
= 'tonigh' which is 'tonight'
and so on, but you get it. And also remember! space after the coma's ' "I'm going to a party, with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight." ' !
I think that's all for now, but other than that, this story or chapter I think? is very short. Just don't forget to re-check your stories after your finish with it
Well, I hope i wasn't to harsh D=
and I hoped I helped!
~Book Person~
Alright so,
basically, What I see is potential.
You could be a strong writer, but, to be frank, your grammar need work. You need to caps 'I' in places like here
and
Also, your first sentence
You need a comma or period between human and I.
THats a run on sentence.
Next
What?
What was sorted??
You need a lot more description in your writing. Describe the setting, scene, what the characters look like and what they are feeling.
Don't just have dialogue, because that basically tells the reader nothing.
Lastly, spell check is a writers bestie. In some words you miss letters.
Write On
~WickedWonder