If you want to, you can read the prologue but it's not really that important.
Word count: 1,758
EDIT: added page breaks and italics for emails/texts. 
Also fixed giant weird typo.
* * *
Once the last bell rang I was at my car, pulling out my keys immediately. I didn't feel like talking to Helen, who I somehow managed to avoid throughout the day, about that stupid book. But mostly I didn't run into my ex-boyfriend.
"Hey," he said, when you speak of the devil, the devil will come. Only in this case I was thinking of him. I immediately stiffened. Why was he, out of all people, talking to me? Was he coming to make fun of me for how I made a fool out of myself at that party?
"What do you want, Jeff?" I asked coldly. I examined him. He looked skinner than when I last saw him. His hair looked a tad greasy and was really messed up from the cold winds. He looked really tired, he had bags, his nose and cheeks were red from the cold.
"Dang, do you have to be so mean? Anyways I was wondering if you wanted to get back together."
Oh my God, this guy was a total jerk. After what he did to me at that party? No way. I felt something flare inside me, and all of a sudden I felt evil. I wanted this guy to go fall in a ditch and die.
"So your plan to get Mimi back didn't work, huh?" I laughed.
His face darkened. "What's it to you?"
My answer was a sneer and an evil laugh as I crawled in my truck and put the key in the ignition. I didn't look at him until I was at a safe distance. I looked in my rearview mirror, and he was standing in the same spot, muttering something to himself and he looked really angry.
I turned on the radio as an attempt to drown out all the thoughts of ex-boyfriend troubles. Like any attempt it was successful and I ended up fuming over my weeks of troubles that I was 'supposed' to be over, according to my post therapist.
The drive home only took a few minutes. I parked the car and bundled my coat around me. Like I was in a race, I opened the door and sprinted through the now falling snow, to the house. I slammed the door behind me; cutting off the cold like it was some kind of switch, turning on the warmth.
The warmth overtook me in a very delightful way. I inhaled a large amount of air and a warming, familiar scent hit my nose. I wandered into the kitchen, where my Mom was pulling chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.
“Yum,” I said, taking one off the tray. “Hot!” I yelped and dropped the cookie, like it had come alive and bit me or something.
Mom laughed at me. “They just came out of the oven, did you not see me just take them out? How about I put them on an extra plate and you can take them to your room? They should be cool by then.”
She scooped up a two cookies and dumped them on a plate. “Thanks!” I said, taking the small plate from her and moved upstairs to my room. One really bad thing about my house was that there was no heat upstairs. So that meant it was close to the temperature outside, cold or warm.
My laptop wad sitting on my bed, already on. I sight. That meant Mom was using it again. I don’t know how many times I have asked her nicely to stop using my computer. She had her own.
Whatever she was doing, she was done now. I decided to let this one go because I didn’t feel like getting into a fight. I signed on my email. Only six new emails: one from Helen about that stupid book, two from Jeff begging me to go back out with him, one from mom reminding me to do something and two chain mails.
I didn’t want to read any of them but I opened Helen’s first anyways just so she would be mad at me. Anything to put off studying for a test tomorrow, I would take, anyways.
I was thinking about this romance novel. If it’s okay with you, I would like to start it. I was thinking that it should be a bout a teenage girl that likes this guy…
And yadda yadda yadda. It went on with the plot for over half the email. God, she must have been planning this thing for months. Anyways, I’ll write the first chapter in a notebook then you’ll write the second chapter. Tell me if you find any problems and/or don’t like it. =)
It was okay with me if she got it started and, well, pretty much I agreed with the whole email. Okay, I didn’t agree with the part about me writing the story, but I didn’t say so because I did not want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
I deleted the emails from Jeff and the chain emails. The one from Mom was just a reminder for me to go pick up Shane, my little brother’s, medicine.
*
Oh my God, it’s been snowing ALL NIGHT LONG! It started snowing softly when I got home but got now it’s a blizzard out there. I’m pretty sure we are so not going to have school today! Yay!
The news said that it’s supposed to snowstorm and they are expecting at least two feet. Only two feet out of all of that? But anyways … TWO FEET?! How in the world am I supposed to stay dry walking through two stupid feet of snow?
Oh, wait. I now have good news and bad news. Good news first: the news just confirmed my thoughts of having a snow day! Bad news: Helen just replied to my email about that book and it’s, like, six in the morning…
Okay, great! I’ll be done with the first chapter by at least tomorrow morning, if not tonight. We probably aren’t going to have school tomorrow so I’ll type it and get t to you ASAP. But could you write yours on paper? I like having mine on paper. Thanks! Also, I was wondering if you want to help me think of a title. I have no idea.
*
I woke up at nine instead of the usual five or six o’clock to a blaring alarm clock. The first thought I had that morning had been: Awesome, a snow day! But the second thought was: I hate snow days.
Both were true, I hate school but what to do during they day? I finished all of my homework yesterday. I was thinking about what I was NOT going to do during the day until a truck pulled into the driveway. I looked out the window. It had stopped being a blizzard out there and was now snowing softly. I wondered how the truck got here because the roads had to of been icy.
I threw on a sweat shirt and some jeans, put my hair in a quick ponytail and trooped downstairs. I hoped I looked passable for our guest. Well, I really didn’t care what I looked like today.
Downstairs was, as usual, really hot compared to the upstairs. I overheard Mom telling our guest that I was still asleep.
“I’m up,” I said, making my entrance official. My eyes met my mother’s and then slid over to the guest.
My foot caught on the edge of the table and I fell flat on my face. Right in front of the hottest guy ever. Not to mention that he was the very FIRST hot guy to be sitting in MY kitchen.
“Woah,” he said, helping me up. My face was probably beat red. For a minute I couldn’t meet his eyes. When I finally had my emotions under control, I looked up at him. His green eyes seemed to pierce through me. I wanted to melt right on the spot…or have a whole open up in the floor and swallow me. Beautiful chocolate hair accompanied those eyes, complementing them.
“Thanks,” I muttered, completely mortified.
“Kaylyn, this is Erick. Erick, this is our daughter, Kaylyn,” Mom said. I could tell right away that mom approved of this guy, Erick.
“Hello, Kaylyn, nice to meet you,” Erick said, stretching out a hand across the table. I grasped his hand and grinned.
“Good to meet you, too, Erick.”
“So, Erick is a new guy here, he just moved in next door and his house doesn’t have heat so we invited him and his family over here. Only his parents couldn’t come,” Mom explained.
I didn’t know how Mom knew that they had moved in recently. It was just a mom thing that did not need questioning.
“I can show you to the living room if you want,” Dad – who I just noticed was there with us – offered. Erick thankfully said yes and followed him out of the kitchen, to the living room.
“Wow,” I breathed once they were out of earshot and I heard the T.V. turn on.
“I know, isn’t he perfect?” Mom said dreamily, “He acts, talks, and dresses like a proper person. And most of all, he’s really cute!”
“Mom!” I accused and broke out laughing, and she soon joined me. “He’s way out of your league! Plus, you have Dad!”
“Oh, I know, I was just pointing it out.”
“You don’t need to – it’s only obvious!”
Right then my cell beeped, declaring that I had a text. I looked at the screen, it was from Helen.
Have u read chpt 1 yet?
In fact, I had read it, I just didn’t understand it. I didn’t reply to her text. Instead, I have Mom an eye roll and went up the stairs to my room. I was going to read Helen’s writing out loud to me, to see if I would understand it better.
Most of her chapter was character descriptions. And oh my God, it was so boring. It started out as the description of the guy. The very first sentence was about his face, and then his hair.
I only got past the description of his head before I gave up. I cuddled under the covers of my bed, hoping to get warm. I closed my eyes and was halfway asleep when somebody interrupted me.
“Excuse me, but can I ask for your help?”
I opened my eyes. On my floor, not far away was a head. Did I mention it was a talking head?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You lost me after about the first passage. I liked alot of the wording but spelling and usage errors just kind of threw me off. I agree with dragnet about the diary thing, it began to get kind of personal, like the intimate, secretive personal, It wasnt really interesting as I went along.
I read it through to the end and I'm still lost as to what its about.
sorry ;/
uh...what? It was pretty confusing. I liked the first part, but after that, it seemed more like a diary entry. About halfway through, I stopped reading it. And htere are a bunch or grmmical errors. Sorry. Keep working, I know this can get better.
Hey there googly.
What bell are we talking about here? Be more specific.
When you mention another character's name, ensure that you've also stated as to who that is more clearly.
Care to elaborate?
Judging from this bit of dialogue here, I can assume that the relationship breakup between the narrator and the guy was an unanimous decision. I also believe that their relationship was quite heavily based on making fun of each other and mucking around. Normally when teens breakup, they tend to keep their distances from each other so it's nice to see a change here.
You've repeated the idea of "not looking back till a certain point" here. And how did the narrator's ex looked angry? Did he clenched his fists? Did he chuck a beer bottle at the narrator? Using the word "evil" to describe the narrator's reaction is exaggerated in my opinion. If someone becomes evil, then they will do a lot worse things than what's mentioned here.
I personally don't think the narrator needs a therapist given the tone of her voice.
Nix "a". There are two cookies here so it's plural, not singular. You use "a" if something is singular.
Redundant. The narrator was about to go up to her room but then you decide waffle about the insulation in the house? What does that have to do with the narrative at hand?
You mean "I sighed".
Why doesn't the narrator want to hurt her feelings though? What is their relationship like?
How did the narrator got these thoughts though? Elaborate.
"The" not "they".
Nix "and was snowing softly". If the blizzard had stopped, then it's pretty obvious to the audience that it's only snowing now.
Guest? Why didn't the narrator's mum mentioned that to her the previous day?
Is this realistic for how a Mom behaves? Seems more like a teenage girl to me.
Overall impressions:
Thematically, this piece doesn't seem to have much of a focus. It barely touches the surface of one theme before jumping to another. If you are to improve this, you need to expand your themes/ideas out and somehow integrate them together. Firstly, let's have a look at the ideas/themes in this piece individually:
1) Teenage relationship: Now from what I've gathered, their relationship seems to be based on poking fun out of each other due to the tone of how they interact with each other. I personally think they would get with each other well, so what was the reason for their break up? What actually happened at the party? Why is the guy wanting to restart a relationship with him? You might want to explore the reasons as to why they would behave in the way they do (especially the narrator).
2) Narrator's relationship with mum: There seems to be a love/hate type of relationship here. The narrator is pleased when her mother does some housework to look after her (baking the cookies) but annoyed when she finds out that her laptop has been used. I get the feeling that the narrator's mother likes to rummage through her stuff, showing little regard for her privacy. So shouldn't there be conflict? But no, all we were shown is the narrator realizing that her laptop has been used and shrugging it off. You need to show more of the conflict and interactions between them. You've only touched the surface at the moment.
3) Narrator's friend that wants to be an author but is failing: This is kind of interesting and something that many can relate to. I remember about 2-3 years ago when I was in a position just like the narrator's friend where I would pester my friend to read my stuff. I think you got the basics of it, but I would like to know more of the reasons and motives behind it. Here is some food for thought: Why does the narrator's friend want to write a romance novel? What is she trying to achieve? Isn't the narrator annoyed about this? If so, why? And why wouldn't the author tell her the truth? What is she trying to protect in their friendship? Were they even good friends to begin with?
So how can you integrate these ideas together? Simple. They all portray the overall theme of love, but in various ways. The first idea talks about love in teen relationships, the second about love in families and the third idea talks about actually writing about love itself. The problem is that your narrator doesn't seem to take notice that all these ideas are connected and so her voice seems as though she is waffling about nothing. You need to make your narrator realize this through her voice or else you aren't going to go anywhere.
Another problem I had with your narrator is that she seems quite cheerful. This is actually quite an uncommon trait in the teenage years. Typically, they tend to be more down to earth and moody. It's hard to sympathize and connect with your narrator because you haven't shown to us the reasons as to why she is so cheerful. You should also show more of the reasons as to why the narrator dislikes school so much. What is it about school that the narrator dislikes?
Overall though, I think you have an interesting premise. If you really want to improve this though, they you have to dig deeper and to show more than tell. In fact, what effect are you actually to achieve here? Satire or emotional?
Good luck.
Andy.
P.S: Where are the fantasy elements in this? Why is this categorized under "fantasy"?
Hey there googly.
What bell are we talking about here? Be more specific.
When you mention another character's name, ensure that you've also stated as to who that is more clearly.
Care to elaborate?
Judging from this bit of dialogue here, I can assume that the relationship breakup between the narrator and the guy was an unanimous decision. I also believe that their relationship was quite heavily based on making fun of each other and mucking around. Normally when teens breakup, they tend to keep their distances from each other so it's nice to see a change here.
You've repeated the idea of "not looking back till a certain point" here. And how did the narrator's ex looked angry? Did he clenched his fists? Did he chuck a beer bottle at the narrator? Using the word "evil" to describe the narrator's reaction is exaggerated in my opinion. If someone becomes evil, then they will do a lot worse things than what's mentioned here.
I personally don't think the narrator needs a therapist given the tone of her voice.
Nix "a". There are two cookies here so it's plural, not singular. You use "a" if something is singular.
Redundant. The narrator was about to go up to her room but then you decide waffle about the insulation in the house? What does that have to do with the narrative at hand?
You mean "I sighed".
Why doesn't the narrator want to hurt her feelings though? What is their relationship like?
How did the narrator got these thoughts though? Elaborate.
"The" not "they".
Nix "and was snowing softly". If the blizzard had stopped, then it's pretty obvious to the audience that it's only snowing now.
Guest? Why didn't the narrator's mum mentioned that to her the previous day?
hi! Starting with editing right away, since its Tuesday!
Quote:
She scooped up a two cookies and dumped them on a plate.
I belive it should be "two cookies"
That was the only grammer mistake: However....the girl..is messed up.
Unless she is still not over her ex-boyfriend......or has a boyfriend........then I feel as though it must be said:
TEENAGE GIRLS DO NOT BLOW OFF HOT GUYS FOR AN E-MAIL!!!
The beginning was kind of a rush, you really didn't waste any time just jumping in with the character of Jeff. Will there be more of an explanation of what happened between him and Kaylyn?
The middle part of the chapter really confused me, I wasn't even sure if it was a part of the story when I read it the first time. Try to be more clear on what is thought, e-mail, text, etc.
I agree with cooldude19967. It was rather awkward when Erick showed up, and she didn't try to see what his story was-she did fall flat on her face when she first saw him after all.
A head? Hmmm, definitely interesting. I'll keep checking back!
I liked it. It did have some errors, but besides that, it was very good. Keep up the writing!
Confusing. I think you might want to add some more obvious breaks in there to show when you are jumping ahead in time. Also it was annoying to have to determine the e-mail from what she was thinking. And is ther any reason why she is not showing the hoe guy around her fouse, but instead goes up stairs and ignore him after being introduced? It just seemed a tad awkward thats all. I do like it, and the line about he talking head certantly was a shocker. Unfortunatly it was off set by my mind automatically assuming it was attached to a body. I think I can see where your stories going though, and i like the direction. Good job on this part and keep it up!
Very good, but as with all long chapters it has some mistackes:
This doesn't make any sence... unless you meant didn't want
Please put all e-mails/texts in italics.
Liked this bit, made me laugh.
Don't worry these things happen to everyone
I was waiting to find out how long it would be untill the fantasy bit kicked in and then BAM you hit me with this line
Good and funny read
Keep writing