Published October 27, 2008
Taken down for shredding.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,221 Literary Works • 677,037 Reviews
Alright then. Let me start. Please don't take my critique to harshly, I just mean to help out your writing.
First off, you need to cut down on the amount of I's you use. Rearrange the sentances some. I know its really hard to do(I do it all the time).
Another thing, you do alot of telling, show us.
Telling:Pearl had blonde hair and blue eyes.
Showing: Her blonde hair shimmered in the light of the setting sun. blah..blah..blah.
The beginning is a bit bland. Spice it up with some metaphors and similes. You want to catch your readers attention the instant they start reading.
Also you don;t have to tell us everything about Pearl now, save some information for along and along.
This could be a great story, you just need to polish it up. If you have any questions, PM me. When you post more please let me know. I would love to review. Until then good luck and keep writing.