Published October 22, 2012
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Your piece was short but meaningful at the same time. Your 'paired-sentences' go along together. But in the third stanza, I think you must understand yourself to "stand by what you believe" even more. Anyways, I like your piece..
Keep going..
ll
U
Hey,
So this is good, it is short and could easily be worked on, but it is also good just as it is.
I think you could change the last line, it seems to jarring and doesn't flow very well.
Maybe try 'and how soon will it be what is now, shall became what has once been.' This for me just flows, but by all means keep it as it as because it works fine as it is.
If you still want to keep the said in the last line to keep with the said, open idea than you could always go
' and how soon will it be that what is now,
Will soon be what was said.'
These are just some ideas that you by no means have to use. The thing is the second has two lines, so that will work well with the flow but if you want it to all be one line due to wanting it to stand then stick with what you have.
This poem is really good, one that I wish I wrote, if I had the talent.
The only other thing which dukeofwonderland pointed out was believe being repeated in the third stanza. You don't have to change it because its not to jarring or disruptive to the flow but if you find a better word then you should by all means put it in.
Again great job, the idea and concept is amazing.
Keep writing.
Nargles xxx
You should continue the poem because it was good. Interesting ideas in the first two stanzas, made me want to read more. 3rd paragraph was another good idea, but I agree with DukeofWonderland (although I know absolutely nothing about poetry): the two "believes" might not be the best.
You know it's short.
Beside that, the concept- good.
and:
second paragraph is the best.
third para: the word believe twice at the end of both statements....maybe you can work on that.
ending abrupt, the idea of introducing conscious thought in reader: good.
Haven't reviewed in centuries, really. So yeah, sorry for the un-awesome-ness. Hope it helps though.