*I wrote this for school and wondered what you would think of it. Please review below*
That was the first time I saw you. Dawn was breaking and the sun bled its fiery hues into the sky as it rose like a majestic swan. You blew across the beach like a fresh breeze. Your feet were made of the sand; your arms were the palm trees and your eyes were a reflection of the azure ocean. You were the epitome of elegance. You walked with the grace of a dancer and the precision of a gymnast. When you reached the sea, the curious waves lapped at your bare feet like eager puppies. You were facing the water, and black waves of hair swam down your back like molten onyx. The golden rays of the rising sun caressed your skin whilst the gentle wind lightly tousled your hair with tender care. Then, your head turned. In an instant, you took me in and flashed me an elfish grin. I was smitten.
Love at first sight? A tad cliché in this modern day and age?
Not where you were concerned. It took every ounce of my self-control to refrain from covering the metres between us in a few, swift steps and reaching out to you. Instead, I merely contented myself with spectating. I retreated to the woodland so you presumed I’d left and spent the rest of the afternoon contentedly watching you caper around the beach like a free spirit.
When I next saw you, it was autumn the same year. Leaves began to part from the trees and form vibrant clusters on the pavement. I was traipsing along, homeward bound, when you called out my name.
I turned around, surprised to see you. I was taken aback by your knowing my name. You introduced yourself and insisted it was on your way to walk me home. Only months later did I realise that you lived miles in the opposite direction.
We exchanged numbers. Then, you began to visit. Initially, it was just every few months. We became casual friends. Then, your visits became increasingly frequent. My heart would mourn if I went a week without laying eyes on you. I think it was about that time that I realised there were no two ways about it; I had to tell you how I felt. Even though I knew you’d reject me like an unwanted invitation, I still needed to let you know. I couldn’t carry on living in denial.
The day I told you started like any other. The weather was cold and dreary. Rain spat angrily at the ground and wind tore at the windows, trying to force itself inside. You perched elegantly on the edge of my bed, curiosity etched across your face. I’d been suspiciously awkward all morning. You’d noticed, of course. You had looked unfathomably beautiful in slate grey jeans and a checked shirt. Your hair was lazily tied in a high ponytail, yet it still looked perfect. These details convinced me that there was no point procrastinating what was clearly inevitable. I told you. Blushing deeply and staring at the ground, I told you.
That was the second best day of my life. Why? Because you said the same back to me. You told me how you felt similarly.
We were married two years later. That was the best day of my life.
All that time, hopeful wishes blossomed in my mind like unquenchable hopes and dreams. I imagined knowing you for the rest of my life, writing our names in the stars beside each other. I envisioned our destinies entwining like knotted rope; journeying across an endless abyss with only you to catch me if I fell. I had never doubted the infinite length of this bond: I knew we were born to have each other.
That is why, my dear, I had never imagined this. My mind had never strayed so far into the morbid depths of my imagination to suggest that I would be here, a mere eight years after our first encounter, saying my final goodbye. In my dreams, you never ended up unreachable beneath an impenetrable layer of soil. In my dreams, your name was never inscribed upon a solid block of archaic stone.
In my dreams, you never died.
Wow, just wow. Your writing just blew me away! I am thoroughly impressed! I loved that you used so much description in your writing! It all flowed very well! I am currently writing (more like trying) to write a love story myself and could use someone to co-write with me! I you're interested pm me. Anyways, enough about me, I LOOOOOOOVED this story so freaking much! Wonderful job!
I loved your use of metaphors, particularly the section "Dawn was breaking and the sun bled its fiery hues into the sky as it rose like a majestic swan. You blew across the beach like a fresh breeze. Your feet were made of the sand; your arms were the palm trees and your eyes were a reflection of the azure ocean. You were the epitome of elegance. You walked with the grace of a dancer and the precision of a gymnast. ". I have never read anything more smoothly written. You describe the male character with little detail, but so much visual description that made me fall in love with him also.
I had a feeling he wasn't going to be alive by the time I was done reading by the middle of the story, which could be a good or bad thing. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but if it's something you wanted to be built up until the very last part, maybe you might want to make it more hidden?
Overall I LOVED LOVED LOVED it! Hope to see more of your works posted soon!
Hello,
I quite enjoyed this short story, even though I'm not a big fan of romantic pieces of writing. I kind of guessed that the woman was going to die, though I think the fact that she did made the story more interesting. There was a lot of good description that made the story pleasant to read,even if it didn't really have much of a plot. Maybe if you write a story like this again try to include more development and some sort of storyline that keeps the reader hooked. However this is just a suggestion as I don't know if you were just simply writing a descriptive piece or not. If you were it is really good and you should definitely write more like this because it was an excellent description,just not my thing.
Sunny
Hi, goddessathena! (cool username)
A strong point of this piece was your language and description, which is especially shown in the first paragraph, it really draws the reader in an creates some beautiful imagery. I think the fact that it's in the second person is also interesting, and it makes it quite engaging to read as I haven't read a lot in the second person; also it gives it a more personal feel.
Although there were some really beautiful descriptions throughout the piece, after the first paragraph I felt there was enough, and then to read more made it a bit samey to read. I wouldn't say get rid of all of the descriptions because you've done a really good job of them, but I'd say just add some variation in it because right now it's quite description-heavy. Plot wise, what's actually going on? I understand the the MC has lost their love, while these abstract descriptions of it are quite pretty, I think you need some more explanations for it because right now the plot falls a bit flat. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, to have a more metaphorical piece, but it just seems a bit pointless to do so without more of an explanation for plot.
We exchanged numbers. Then, you began to visit. Initially, it was just every few months. We became casual friends. Then, your visits became increasingly frequent. My heart would mourn if I went a week without laying eyes on you. I think it was about that time that I realised there were no two ways about it; I had to tell you how I felt. Even though I knew you’d reject me like an unwanted invitation, I still needed to let you know. I couldn’t carry on living in denial.
Hello!
Your visual descriptions are vivid. Very nice.
That being said, there are several things about this that I would change.
The first is that this doesn't really go anywhere. It tells a pretty normal love story. There's no conflict to make it interesting. There was a bit of apprehension that the narrator felt before they told this other person they loved them, but I as a reader didn't feel anything at all at that point. In a short story, you need an epiphany, a realization on someone's part. It could be a realization on the part of the narrator, or the author, or even the reader. But here, there is no plot nor epiphany.
Your visual descriptions are vivid, yes, but there is nothing to show anything about either character's personality, and they feel like beautiful but substanceless cardboard characters to me. Give us something more.
The story covers a huge amount of time, and the happiest day of the narrator's life was skimmed over in a couple of sentences. I'm not saying that you should go back in there and change it, but I'm saying that it seems a little disproportionate because you spend so much time on the first time that the narrator sees this other person. Take your time on things. Portray conflict. It will make this more interesting.
Altogether, your descriptions are great, but there's almost nothing in the way of plot or character development. I enjoyed reading this. I hope this proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
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