Shy

Hey!

I liked this poem because I could relate to it very well. However....... (yes, there's always a "however".)

I didn't like the repetition of "Keep walking." It did add that sense of uneasiness, but I thought you said it a little too much.

Keep walking…

I just have to keep walking.

Keep walking, keep walking…

Keep walking day by day,

And perhaps,

If I keep walking,

The eyes will go away.

Why?

Why do I care?

They mean me no harm.

So why?

Why so afraid?

oh goatgirl you are truly marvellous and I think that you are extremely pretty so there's no need to worry about anything lots of love alice

I liked this, and yet I kind of didn't. I'm trying to think how to explain this without sounding mean or anything. See, I can relate, and these are often the thoughts that go through my head (Especially the height ones. Oh the pains of being shy and 5'6"), and some parts of it were good. However, I didn't really like the shortness and the repetition. No one else had much of a problem with it, so it's probably just me, but it irritated me. I don't know. I don't want to come across as angry or mean or anything, but it just irked me. Anyway, sorry to rant. I don't know how much help this review was.

I like this, I am very shy myself so this relates to me.

goatgirl,


As Mars mentioned, the short lines add to the panicky feeling, but that sensation is undercut by the poem's lengthiness. Entire strophes, like the penultimate one, can be axed with little remorse. When you read through this, you should ask yourself what the repetition of a line is or isn't achieving. What are your expectations for the words on the page, and are they living up to them?

The general rule in poetry is that repetition betokens a change: if a line is repeated, it's so we can see how that line is now different than it was before. For the most part, many of the lines here aren't giving us something new; at some places this rule can be exempted because you're trying to create an atmosphere of embarrassment and panic, but you'll have to figure those out for yourself.

You might consider reading this aloud. As it's structured more like an internal monologue, it might have better effect on your readers when spoken than when read. I hesitate to call it slam poetry (it isn't), but I'm also not sure that, if you keep the current lines, it can ever become "poetry" as such (it lacks many poetic tropes). Yet I do think, if I'm hearing it in my head correctly, that it could be a compelling piece of spoken poetry, or "verse" as they would say several centuries ago. You'll need to decide which form you prefer and work from that.


Hope this helps,
Brad

Hey, great poem! This really connected with me because I used to be quite shy. You really captured the feeling well, bringing me back to those (unpleasant) days when I wanted to melt into a wall. The only thing I have a suggestion for would be on paragraph three. Maybe consider taking out the "And"s in the 3-5th lines?
Anyway, great job!

Oh goodness. This has certainly captured your feeling well, I think. I like the repetition of 'keep walking' because it adds a sort of frantic element to the poem, which works, and the short lines as well. So! Good job.

However! This will seem to contradict what I said above but I think you need to watch out and make sure that you're not saying...too much. If that makes sense. What I mean is that in poetry, every single word needs to say something, and so one has to make absolutely sure that one isn't saying the same thing over and over. I think this poem is just balancing that line. I think it's fine because of the subject of this poem; repetition serves to emphasise the content, which is great.

Anyway that was all to say that I don't like your last two lines because I don't think they add anything to the poem. They take away the strength in the line before that which I loved (which I suppose might have been the point). I think you could simply cut them out but if you wanted to have something, you could also just write Please? on the end.

*suggestion*

PM me for anything.
-Mars xxx

Eyes.

I can see them.

I can sense them.

And they look at me,

And they inspect me,

And suddenly

I’m different.