Published May 22, 2013
Grey skies stare me in the eyes
Fire dances a reflection in the window
Snow laid on the ground
The first he has ever seen
We both see the smaller things
That no others bother to look at
Like the moment right before it rains
When the clouds really gleam
We've never known much pride
We hide in our own time
With nothing but our imaginations
To amuse our wicked hearts.
My fogging breath on the window
Reminds me of old times
When life was much simpler
Dancing with little John
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
It had a queer air to it. Not in a bad way though. I found the lack of space between stanzas harder for me to flow with it. xD xoxo I mean nothing bad by it though, I'm just used to poetry done like that! I quote: My fogging breath on the window - Reminds me of old times - When life was much simpler - Dancing with little john." These were the most heart felt moments for me. They displayed true (lyrical) love for the lad, and it was a dear moment. Though you may not have a child it sure seems like it! If I hadn't read the description first I would of well thought you were a mother. It's a fitting genre for you, though I do recommend a few commas here and there just to allow some sort of structure. A few full stops would be alright too. xD. But it was an emotional piece and if it had anything form of connection to you I wouldn't be surprised with the lack of punctuation as in you may of been crying! Truly amazing, I was touched just by reading it.
Keep up the good work, mate.
I know I keep thanking everyone but I love the fact that so many people are willing to put down reviews and comments for me! And this one was really amazing. I have a little brother who I feel is already my little son, perhaps thats where it came from. THANK YOU SO MUCH. xD (I was crying..
)
Just cahnge thi "Grey skies stare me in the eyes" to "eye", it will sound and flow better. I liked it but it had no periods or comma's therefore making it gramatically incorrect. That's an easy fix however. I really like it and I love the adjectives you use to paint a vivid picture in your readers mind. "Dancing with little John" shouldn't "little" be "Little" because it' a title of a person? Correct me if I'm wrong there ...
Overall nicley done and I look foward to reading more from you!
~ Speakerskat out!
Hey glovegg,
The impact is clearly propagated. But still some feel is missing to me accordingly. Maybe i did not get your tint.
I would quote this as my favorite lines:
"We both see the smaller things
That no others bother to look at"
this probably marks your lateral thinking.
I would certainly stare at these lines ,
"To amuse our wicked hearts."
why do you want to regard our precious bosoms to be WICKED?..that is so wicked.
Of all ,your poem was cleanly delivered.
Thank you ACHU for the review!! (love your little pic.
I put wicked in as more of like a story-line. I know that makes no sense what-so-ever. : P
I am just learning my style of writing, so I suppose over time, more people will get my point.
Once again, thanks!
It's interesting, calming, peaceful, suttle. Really, truly it's great. But I only see one period, punucation is lacking. Also, you are capitalizing EVERY line, instead of every sentence. This is not proper, do excuse my lack of sympathy on the topic, I'm rather tired. Inspiration, where does it come from? Some say inspiration is from the heart, some say the soul, some say the mind, some say nature, it goes on and on. So where did you get inspiration for this? It makes me wonder, which is a good thing. But anyway, this is easily fixable. I don't see any misspellings, but do excuse me if I missed any. Sorry for the short reveiw, but anyway, good luck, your doing great!
Thank you for the review! I suppose I do this type of style a lot with my poems, which is easily changeable. And lack of sympathy is what I need to keep up my work! : )