Young Writers Society

18+ Language Mature Content


by gloriana

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.


Scene 1: At the Office (panning shot)

Quick and snappy scene before credits

Rafe: Excuse me, would you be so kind as to close the door behind you…

(Walks out of office with receptionist close behind him)

Receptionist: Yes, I’m sorry...I-

Rafe: Thank you.

Oh, and... uh… you there, what’s your name?

(Points vaguely at a row of desks in front of the office)

Amber: Me? (gesturing to herself) (Rafe gives a distracted nod, irritated) Its um… Amber. Sir.

(close-up shot)

Rafe: Okay, Orange… Ruby, Whatever. Clean out your desk. I want you gone by the time I get back.

Amber: It’s Amber, sir. But what do you mean? (laughing nervously) (stuttering) There must be some mistake …. Did I do something wrong? I know I didn’t look over the Tesco deal folder…but... (Rafe looks shocked for a second but quickly composes himself) ...It was our anniversary that night, you must understand…. But I couldn’t, I didn’t and I know it was wrong but it was a mistake, I’m so sorry. I really need this job, it’s for my family you see. Please you have to-

Rafe: I don’t have to do anything… Sapphire. You should’ve thought about your family before missing out on work.

Amber: But… (at a loss for words, choking up) …. why...?

Rafe: Because I said so, and everyone is eventually replaced, I just decided to replace you sooner, rather than later. Just, next time, remember to look over the Tesco folder, and then I can avoid wasting my time. Now, Topaz, if you don’t mind...

Amber: (Screaming) It’s AMBER! And yes! I fucking mind! You fucking bastard! You cold, twisted son of a bitch! I am going to take that Tesco folder and shove it up your-

(After an almost imperceptible nod from Rafe, Amber is swiftly escorted out by security, kicking and screaming)

Scene 2: Meeting at the bridge

(tracking shot until he arrives)

Andy: Hi…um…hello there?

Rafe: Yes, you have my attention, now what do you want?

Andy: Uh…well that was rude

Rafe: I’m already bored (eyes half closed)

Andy: (scoffs) Excuse me, but you have no right to talk to people like that, it’s really ru-

Rafe: Rude?

Andy: You know, I see you here every day. (Rafe straightens up) Miserable and brooding, and just this once, I wanted to make the effort to at least understand why. And I know you think I’m some-

Rafe: I don’t think of you.

Andy: (scoffs and looks back out at the sea)

(Rafe walks quickly away)

You know what your prob- (looks to where Rafe was standing)

(Scoffs once more)

Scene 3: Coffee shop

(Tracking shot of Rafe walking away and into town with voice over of Andy talking)

Voice over:

Andy: (enters café flushed and irritated) You cannot believe what just happened to me at the bridge

Tess: I have a feeling you’re about to tell me (laughs)

(Quick hug and Andy sits down)

Andy: Ok, so you know that guy who’s always there, The hot mysterious one?

Tess: Oh, yeah, sure! Bridge guy...Sooo… did you talk to him or not? (raises eyebrow)

Andy: Oh, we talked.

Tess: You’re kidding…! You’re finally getting yourself back out there, and with bridge guy no less! I’m so proud of you Andy-

Andy: Yeah, I mean, I do feel pretty good. At first I wasn’t sure if he was hitting on me or not, but then, he like, made a pass, and I was like...ok, that’s hot.

(Rafe passes the café and camera now zooms in on Andy and Tess talking, Andy looking out the window while Tess speaks excitedly, conversation is inaudible)

(Andy squints as she thinks she recognises him, but quickly dismisses it)

Scene 4: Business Meeting

(Bird eye view, tracking shot)-on Rafe at first

Bill: It doesn’t matter what we say… (exasperated) Tesco’s won’t listen to anything we say

Lawyer 1: YES, they will, because you know and I know that they need this deal more than us

Bill: If you could just get your head out of your arse and listen, maybe you could realize what’s going on around you-

Lawyer 2: If we could just re-hash the details of what they proposed, go over the deal one more time, we don’t need anything slipping us up. Tesco’s has fooled us before and they’re not above doing it again.

Bill: We can’t just go through with everything they think their customers want, this deal is just a ploy to rip us all off – they’ll come out on top again -

Rafe: BULLSHIT standing up* (stunned silence)

Bill: Rafe…buddy...Why don’t you sit down for a second? (nervously looking around the table)

Rafe: Of course… however I have a prior engagement to get to and it- (downcast eyes, and mumbling)

(stalks rapidly out the conference room)

Simon: He’s out of control Bill- We- (raised voices from inside room)

(Rafe walks into the elevator, right hand pressed against his forehead, eyes half-closed)

Scene 5: Meet the wife

Panning, tracking, and close-up shots

(Rafe is seen exiting out of an elevator into a small but sophisticated San Francisco penthouse complex)

Charlotte: (brightly) Hi darling, you’re home early

Rafe: (sets a thick folder down onto the couch) I want a divorce

Charlotte: (opens her mouth to say something then closes it again, unsure. This is repeated several times)

Rafe: You can carry on fucking whoever you want, the only difference being I won’t be married to you. I expect them signed by Friday next week. That’s all. (stands straight with his hands by his side, face showing no emotion)

Charlotte: (begins a low guttural wail, hands clutching the edge of a small coffee table)

I love you (quietly)

Rafe: No

Charlotte: Yes (louder)

Rafe: No

Charlotte: Yes (whisper, after choking back a sob she advances toward an expensive-looking china vase and with one swift movement of her hand the vase comes crashing down onto the floor)

(a wild glimmer in her eye, she looks triumphantly back at Rafe)

Rafe: Sunday then (exits after retrieving his coat hanging from a peg beside the elevator doors)

(Charlotte is seen staring at the broken vase, horror in her eyes)

Scene 6: Charlotte’s demise

Close-ups, lingering shots

Woman 1: I heard she tried to shoot him

Woman 2: No, she doesn’t have the balls to pull something like that

Woman 3: I don’t know what he saw-

Woman 1: She definitely deserved what was coming for her

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1085 Reviews

Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:19 pm
Mea wrote a review...

Hey there, gloriana! I always like to review scripts when I get a chance, so I thought I'd drop by and review this on this lovely Review Day!

lilithyoung already gave you a great review, and I think I'll just expand on some of my thoughts on her points. I also saw your reply and your explanation of what your goal is with Rafe.

I think one of the things to consider about your Byronic character is that characters like this are usually doing all the mean things for very specific reasons - they have a goal in mind and either they're not aware enough of social convention and wind up ignoring it to accomplish that goal, or they just don't care enough to follow social convention and be nice. I think that's what Rafe is missing here - an intention. All though all his actions here definitely establish him as a jerk, they don't have many of the other components you mention. For example, I really can't fathom why he feels the need to fire Amber, especially considering that it was a one-time mistake that it's implied he didn't even know about before he decided to fire her, and considering the training and such necessary to replace her. Unless he's just taking his temper out on her, but we hadn't seen a reason why he was mad yet.

I think it's important for him to have more of a reason because being a random jerk to people isn't going to help viewers either care about him or be interested in him (and you always need to have at least one of those two to keep people reading/watching) - but if he has a reason, whether it's some sort of brilliant master plan or just sheer hatred of the world, that'll make him interesting.

Andy: Yeah, I mean, I do feel pretty good. At first I wasn’t sure if he was hitting on me or not, but then, he like, made a pass, and I was like...ok, that’s hot.

This part confused me, because wasn't Rafe extremely rude to him just now? I can't imagine why he'd interpret that as Rafe making a pass at him. Also, you said at the start of that scene that part of it is a voice-over, but it's not clear which part because the very next line says it's a shot of him entering into the cafe.

One final thing - in the very last scene, I wouldn't have actually known that Charlotte was dead if you hadn't titled the scene "Charlotte's Demise". The instructions say close-ups and lingering shots, but of what? Her body? The women's faces? More detail would help us know how to frame the scene.

Overall, this was fun to read, and I could definitely see it becoming part of a movie or a TV show! I might give this one a pass because I'm not as big of a fan of mean main characters, but you have intrigued me, and that just goes to show that you're on the way to making Rafe interesting enough that he doesn't need to be nice. :P Good luck with this, and keep writing!

Random avatar
gloriana says...


Thank you for your review! Again all criticism is welcome!

Firstly, in response to your comments, I would like to say that I understand the reasoning behind them, especially when it comes to establishing commiseration for Rafe's character.

The Byronic attributes of complex characters were what first drew me to writing, I liked the way their minds unraveled on the page. There are several reasons behind him being a jerk, but none of which are written here. Yet! Lilithyoung's review and yours made me realize that I need to give my characters more depth, as what I see in my head is not necessarily what is portrayed in my writing.

However, you mentioned your confusion at Rafe making a pass at Andy. The reason you're confused is that it never happened. She simply fabricated that story to her friend to hide her embarrassment at being rebuffed by the spiteful Rafe. I apologize if that wasn't clear!

One final thing- Charlotte is not dead. The women are disputing the rumors behind Rafe's filing for divorce. (specifically Charlotte's reaction) Again I apologize if that wasn't clear!

I greatly appreciate the literary advice and thank you once more for your review.

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19 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 19

Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:01 pm
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lilithyoung wrote a review...

Hey great script! As an actress myself, I simply love reading scripts. So much potential in every single one! That being said, here are some things I would change:

1. Your characters seem to talk very formally. Is there a reason for that?

2. When Rafe gets Amber's name wrong, I know that he's doing it on purpose. However it's more likely that he would get it wrong by associating it with "A" names such as Ashley or Andrea rather than gem names such as Topaz or Ruby. I mean, even fake confusing Amber with Sapphire is a bit of a stretch.

3. Why did Amber get so angry so fast? From an actress's point of view, anger is sort of like a bell curve. You build up to it before you hit the top. A build of anger from her would make this a lot more believable

4. Rafe kind of seems like an asshole lol. If he's your main character, why would people root for him? No one likes a protagonist who's an asshole for no reason. Why is he this way?

5. One thing you find in most scripts before the first scene even starts is a list of characters: what they look like, what they act like, their ages, backgrounds, and relations to each other. I think this would be helpful.

6. A lot of things in this script are said without explanation. Why does Andy like Rafe? Why is Rafe such a mean person? Why does he want a divorce? If you explain these things, the script would flow way better.

All that being said, I can't wait to see where this goes next! Also I would LOVE to see this as an actual short film or something! Keep it coming

All my love


Random avatar
gloriana says...


Thank you for your review, all criticism is welcome!

You do make some good points, and this is me attempting to explain the reason behind some of them.

I am trying to make Rafe out to be a little something of a byronic protagonist.

"A Byronic hero can be conceptualized as an extreme variation of the Romantic hero archetype. Traditional Romantic heroes tend to be defined by their rejection or questioning of standard social conventions and norms of behavior, their alienation from larger society, their focus on the self as the center of existence, and their ability to inspire others to commit acts of good and kindness"

Examples from well known literature would be the self-aware Rochester from Jane eyre or Heathcliff, seemingly untouched by social norms, from Emily Bronte's novel, Wuthering Heights.

Byronic heroes tend to be characterized as being:

Emotionally and intellectually tortured
Highly emotional
Spiritually doubtful
Often reckless or suicidal
Prone to bursts of anger
Decidedly prone to substance abuse
Dedicated to pursuing matters of justice over matters of legality
Given to self-destructive impulses
Seductive and sexually-appealing

I am trying to build him around those characteristics but you are right, the audience needs to at the very least sympathize with the protagonist and I haven't yet laid the groundwork for his character.

Thank you, once more for your review! :))


lilithyoung says...

I love that! But yeah give him a little backstory and a reason why we should cheer for him and he will be a character to remember! Thank you for all the information. I didn't know that protagonists like that had a name haha!

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire