Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
(A/N: I don't even know what this is, but this just sort of came out today, enjoy, I guess?)(it's actually written from a sentence prompt)
He gave me a long look, lips slightly parted. I blushed red, trying to smile, as if this was a silly joke. But the darkness in his eyes deepened and he took a step forward, brushing his fingers against mine. And then, he smiled.
We crashed into each other like the rain crashed against the windows, colliding into blurred silhouttes. I kissed him like he was iron and he kissed me like I was porcelain. He stroked my neck and shoulders, his breath hitching. I gripped his hair, trembling under his touch.
We clung to each other counting seconds between lightning and thunder. I felt my back press against the wall and exhaled, gazing into his eyes, my thoughts jumbled. The moment stretched; he interlaced my hands with his and touched our lips together, lingering.
“Are you sure?” he whispered, touching our foreheads together.
I murmured an approval, something that got caught in our joined breaths but that’s all he needed.
A few breathless laughs and stumbles later we found ourselves on his bed. The sheets smelled of hard water and his shampoo. I smiled widely as our hands locked in between the linens; he chuckled and kissed my forehead.
For the first time ever, I didn’t feel shy and slightly uncomfortable when somebody slowly unzipped my dress; when somebody pressed their palms against my bare back; when somebody kissed my thighs. He invited me to be vulnerable, but in the best way possible. Together. With him.
He took me, but I took him, too.
He gasped at every touch from me. He opened up and iron turned into putty in my hands. I ran my fingers across his skin and he shuddered, gripping me tighter. He let it happen, wanted all of it to happen.
He was mine, as I was his, if a person can be somebody’s.
The electricity in our veins settled in our hearts and when the rain outside plummeted, we lay there, interlaced; a still in the calmless night.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Following up on Lavvie, this is Kays here dropping in for a review on this work of yours. I figured I'd knock this out of the Green Room since this already got one review, why not? Let's skip the long intro and jump right in.
This is less of a short story and more of a narrative. There's not a story being told other than the romantic intimacy between the narrator/speaker and this other person. I have to admit that I sneezed thrice when I began to read this and I can agree with Lavvie that this is cliche. I'm going to go out on my own opinion and say that this is a little too cliche. In the first paragraph we witness this in the sense of blushing and him brushing his fingers against the narrator's. This is all a little standard and if there weren't more in the later paragraphs, I wouldn't even see this as a cliche, but we continue.
The second paragraph is a large offender for this. There are a couple of parts that I wanted to mention. The first is him kissing the narrator like porcelain. First, take out 'I was' because those words are unnecessary and more importantly second, WHO KISSES PORCELAIN? I hate the porcelain skin description already and there are a million different ways to describe skin or how he kisses the narrator and this is probably the worst offender in the paragraph. Following up as second worst is the narrator kissing him as if he is iron.
This isn't as much of a cliche though this doesn't make a lot of sense. Who kisses iron? Give us better similes than that. The part about rain crashing into the windows is actually a bit of pleasant imagery that I enjoyed. Overall on this work I'm not all that attached? There's not a lot going on and there aren't characters or a plot to get attached to.That's fine and narratives with little dialogue and more imagery can work...but I don't see the point in writing this? I'm sure there's another story out there equally as similar. There's nothing that sets this apart from other works that touch on the same subject matter and while the imagery may be nice, I'm not as pulled in as I hoped to be.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi there!
Considering the general membership of YWS, it's rare to have such a sensual piece posted. While some may think that it's crass, such a piece, which is honestly just a snapshot of something much greater and much deeper, deserves appreciation. However, keep in mind that if you post something like this again, you must rate it at 18+. We have these ratings not just for strong language, but also mature content. Glad that you did so!
With works like this one, the reader is engaging in voyeuristic behaviour, without a doubt. Sometimes, this can be uncomfortable for the reader, and I think that's when you have people who refuse to read and/or review, which is totally fine. However, I think you wrote this tastefully, and I felt the intimate moment for its softness and romance. This is clearly more than just two people engaging in sex. Sex is actually not the focus here, but the connection between the two people, and that's what romance is about, so I'm quite satisfied with how you've dealt with the romantic genre.
As lovely as this piece was, I feel that it is slightly cliche. The whole thunder and lightning metaphor is one not unused to being compared to making love. It was almost expected and I would encourage you to see if you could find something else, or incorporate a few other metaphors that are less predictable. Because this is such an intimate snapshot of two people, you should also make the writing personal and intimate, if that makes sense. Needless to say, I commend you for carrying the metaphor throughout the story - I felt that it complimented well and paralleled the arc of a story with the arc of sexual tension.
One nitpick:
Hard water? What does that mean?
It's sometimes challenging to read these without much background information. Like I've mentioned a few times already, this is not so much a story, but more of an intimate snapshot of two people. It's a snippet of life. Of course, I'm not asking you to make this is into a short story or have it be the inspiration for an epic romance novel (although, that would be nice since few people know how to write those types of things well), but I am asking you to be mindful of giving reasoning for something, especially when it comes to a sensitive topic. I definitely think this snippet has the potential to be expanded into something more, but it is also good as is.
Thanks for the beautiful read.
Best,
Lavvie
holy premarital sex batman!!
This needs to be 18+
I won't review it because it's so graphically romantic. Have a nice day.
I'm really sorry, I didn't realise the language I used was that heavy, changed it now
I didn't mean to come across as rude and sharp, I just wanted you to be aware that there are kids under 13 on this site and some of their parents wouldn't be happy if some of them came across something like this. I appreciate your cooperation, and I also choose not to review this because of my personal and religious beliefs. Again, I wish you the best