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Four-walled Box

by ghosts


Look me in the face and tell me what you see

When you hear my voice, see my actions and experience my words, what goes through your mind? 

I can help you in so much but I can not answer that question. That, that is for you to find out.

But I'll try my best to show you all...all that I am and all that I can be

No, wait, I can't show you all if you're not there. 

Are you there? Probably you are, I just can't tell.

That is not possible though, you know, I should be able to tell...

 You know how it feels when you're in a four-walled box, a dark four-walled box. By dark, I mean no lights, completely no lights...Argh! Why am I telling you that? Don't you already know what dark is? 

Probably not...dark is when everything goes black, pitch black

Now I'm going off track! ...am I? Really?

mmh dark, dark, nope I think I'm on the right track

Where was I? Oh yes, dark four-walled box. If you've been to one then you know what happens..

 The look on your face tells me you don't...well, you'll blink a few times..don't ask me why, maybe because you feel like there's a veil shadowing your sight...probably.

Anyway, then you stretch your arms out trying to reach out to or for something.. who knows.

Then you get used to the dark...so used that you can walk with your hands at your sides, no need to reach out

So, I should be able to tell if you're there, you know. But if you are, are you in the box or watching from outside, like in a lab and I'm the lab rat.

I'll still show you, on one condition, please get in. Yes, I mean open the door and step into the dark...

I've seen you peeping because I saw some light, but you closed the door again. I'm sorry, no, I wasn't complaining...definitely not.

 It's just the usual. Many do that all the time, I guess just like the darkness, I'm used to it. I still feel like I am complaining, am I? Please answer me...

Let me try reaching out maybe I can find you because when you peeped in, I got used to the light but then you closed the door and now...it's dark...again.

Ouch! What was that? Did you feel it? Of course not, you're still outside.

 Let me tell you... 

It was sharp, I think it pierced my skin, I can feel something warm running down.

Sorry, what did you ask? If it's painful...ha ha..never. Just like the darkness, I got used to it. It happens all the time when I see the light,  then darkness again and I try reaching out for the light...

" What are you doing? " I heard you asking me that. Well, I'm retreating, why? Because now I am used to the dark and I've realised I'm reaching out for more darkness.

I know I said I'd show you all,

Well, actually I did, because that's all there is

But you did not answer...

Look me in the face and tell me what you see...


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1079 Reviews


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 6:57 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

While I think that monologues can be well-written at points, I rarely ever think that they do well being random, and that's how I felt this was. At other points, I want to review it as poetry, but it's most certainly not since it lacks poetic devices amongst other things, so I won't review it in that sense.

I'd like to see more substance behind this and rather than it being a bunch of word vomit written carelessly with ellipses flooding the piece as well as a lack of structure. I think you can form the monologue in paragraphs like you would a story and without the sporadic amount of changing around that you have. All in all, what I'm trying to say about the piece in whole is that structurally it isn't very neat and I'd like to see it in that sense.

As for the actual content, I like that it's sort of just the thoughts unraveling almost as if you did this without really editing through it and you just wanted to write your thoughts out but at the same time I would have liked to see more of a theme running throughout them like the darkness. I think imagery would also be beneficial to this due to there not really being something like dialogue, you can have something such as imagery as description because it's the inner monologue of this person. Overall, I think this piece would be improved if you smoothed it out with neatness and took to it with more of a message and direction of where you're going with it.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:33 am
Omnom wrote a review...



Hey there ghosts! Welcome to the site :D I hope you're enjoying your time here at YWS. Let's jump right in.

Look me in the face and tell me what you see...when you hear my voice, see my actions and experience my words, what goes through your mind? I can help you in so much but I can not answer that question.


Right away I'm noticing a lot of ellipses. I would urge against doing that, as it gets old fast when reading it. Yes, I know you want to do dramatic pauses, but too many dramatic pauses get boring and well, it's not dramatic anymore, just cheesy.

I'd also suggest mixing up how you pause. Things like dashes (--):

...but I cannot answer that question --that is for you to find out.


or even paragraph breaks, like so:

Look me in the face and tell me what you see.

When you hear my voice, see my actions, and experience my words, what goes through your mind?


See? They serve the same purpose as ellipses in this case but give you some variety so it doesn't drain the reader when reading it.

Also "I can help you in so much" doesn't make sense. Perhaps you're forgetting a word?

But I'll try my best to show you all...all that I am and all that I can be...no...wait...I can't show you all if you're not there. Are you there? Probably you are...I just can't tell.


Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Too many ellipses here. Some of these are okay, but just simple periods do wonders. Also, with ellipses, it's (word... word) not (word...word). This helps break it up more.

But if you are; are you in the box or watching from outside, like in a lab and I'm the lab rat...


Incorrect use of semi-colon here. Just a comma is needed. Also, in my opinion at least, ellipses do not create as much a pause as a paragraph break does. Let me show you the same part in two ways.

But if you are; are you in the box or watching from outside, like in a lab and I'm the lab rat...I'll still show you...on one condition... please get in. Yes, I mean open the door and step into the dark...


and

But if you are, are you in the box or watching from outside, like in a lab and I'm the lab rat?

I'll still show you.

One on condition.

Please, get in...

Yes, I mean open the door and step into the dark.


How does it change when you read those two? They're the same, but paragraph breaks disconnect the thoughts even more than the ellipses does.

General Thoughts

This to me reads more like it should be a poem than prose. It doesn't really have anything driving it like a plot, and the incomplete sentences that you're wanting to do (broken thoughts, tangents, etc.) is better suited as poetry, where typical grammar rules are more flexible.

As for the substance of this, I'm just not feeling it. It's all over the place, and while that may the direction you were aiming for, there's no sense of fulfillment to this at the end. The narrator just runs away and asks a vague question, even though I don't think the narrator (nor the piece, for that matter) knew what it was trying to accomplish. This is trying to be dark and mysterious with underlying messages, without actually throwing out those messages for readers to think about and ponder on. This is a good base, but there's nothing beneath it, and for that it just seem like rambling thoughts with no direction. I think that if you find out what you're wanting to say with this piece, and keep that in the back of your mind while revising this, it will be much better. As it stands, I can't see what you're trying to say with this, if anything.

I do hope this helped, though, and sorry if it sounded rude. They were just my thoughts! <3




ghosts says...


hey!

Gosh I never realized all that especially the ellipses
I got to read through it again and could definitely see what you are talking about. It does kill the mood.

Thanks so much for that review
And no, you were not rude at all, just lending a helping hand.
I appreciate it :)

Back to the workshop to fix this up ;)



ghosts says...


hey!

Gosh I never realized all that especially the ellipses
I got to read through it again and could definitely see what you are talking about. It does kill the mood.

Thanks so much for that review
And no, you were not rude at all, just lending a helping hand.
I appreciate it :)

Back to the workshop to fix this up ;)



ghosts says...


I forgot to mention, It doesn't have a real plot, the idea was to look into random thoughts
It's mostly about having a monologue.
I can say I have experienced this at times and now I just wanted it in writing, I'm sure there's someone who can relate with this
Sorry for the confusion, but I will say it was expected and intended



ghosts says...


I forgot to mention, It doesn't have a real plot, the idea was to look into random thoughts
It's mostly about having a monologue.
I can say I have experienced this at times and now I just wanted it in writing, I'm sure there's someone who can relate with this
Sorry for the confusion, but I will say it was expected and intended




You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote