I send a thought, an inquiry,
which hides the weight of my apprehension
She replies with words devoid of thought.
Her fingertip actions ignite in me a civil war.
Her diction invades my vision and falls to my throat,
then travels to my feet and I am unsteady
It is not at her hand by which I fall,
but my own interrogation
for she speaks consistent with her character,
which I have known since December.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi,
What an enjoyable poem to read. I have a few comments after considering the piece, but overall it was very well-done. Let me know if you have any questions on my feedback.
First, I think the poem might flow better if you used consistent punctuation and syntax. In some places, you're using periods, but in others your sentence keeps going and going. As a reader, I pause in the poem where your punctuation is and where your line breaks are.
Where a reader pauses really dictates how the tone of your poem comes across to readers. I'd recommend reading your poem out loud and putting in punctuation and line breaks consistent with how the poem sounds to you.
Second, there seems to be a story in your poem, but it could use some more context. You say "she speaks consistent with her character, which I have known since December" and seem to indicate that you asked a question and she responded almost callously.
As a reader, I'm curious! I want to know more. It might be interesting to add a few lines to the poem with more context. What do you mean when you refer to your own interrogation? What is her character?
Third, I think a few of the ideas could maybe be more clear. You write "Her diction invades my vision and falls to my throat, then travels to my feet and I am unsteady." This sounds like a very specific emotion or response you are trying to convey.
As a reader, I don't quite understand what you mean. I had to pause here and consider what that means in the context of your poem. Is there any way you could make this idea more clear? Maybe you could name the emotion or response that you're writing about.
This poem eloquently conveys an often overlooked subject. It's very thought-provoking and I love how while there's a clear message, the poem is also open to interpretation. I think any reader could relate to some aspect of this poem, without feeling like they've read the same thing a million times. Great job, and keep on writing!
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a review and to welcome you to YWS!! If you have any questions or need some help with anything, I’m here for you! Now, onto the review. This was a very nice poem, especially for your first one on the website. I’ll start with my favorite part of it:
These two lines are so beautiful and very thought provoking. People really put no thought into their texts. It’s almost as if sending a simple reply is a nuisance. You did a wonderful job of describing this.
The ending was amazing too. It shows that the person should have known this would happen because of past interactions with the other person. We all make that mistake, so it is easy to relate to.
I have one more thing that I would like to mention that has to do with the structure of your poem and some of the punctuation in it. It might be easier to read and make the poem seem a little longer if it was split up into two or three stanzas. This is just a suggestion so feel free to disregard it. I also noticed that there were some lines missing periods that could use them. To keep your style of writing consistent, periods are needed at the ends of these two lines:
and
I hope this review helps. I look forward to reading more of your works in the future! Keep writing!