Chapter Five
Ryder ripped his lips off mine and shoved me away. I was still standing there shocked, my arms still holding the shape of his body, my eyes blank with the vision and my mouth hanging open like a goldfish. “What…the hell was that?” he gasped at me. I shook my head, not knowing how to answer him and for it to sound sane. Ryder made his way shakily to the stools behind the counter and sat down, his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.” I stuttered, I did not know what else to say. I slumped into the seat next to him, my eyes closed. My head was still spinning from the vision. He looked up at me, an expression on his face as if I had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. “Why are you? What! Do not be sorry. Its fine," He paused and struggled to regain composure but managed. His face became caring, his eyes though remained cold. "Come here.” I shuffled over to him, my head hanging low in embarrassment, into his waiting, jumper-covered arms. I closed my eyes on his chest and let my hair fall gently over my face. One of his hands held me close to him; the other gently stroked my cheek. I felt the tears coming and I bit my lip so they would stop. His fingers caught underneath my chin and pulled my face up to see him. I looked into his eyes; they were full of love and worry. “Please, don’t worry. It will be fine. I promise we can make this work. I'm the one who is worrying about you silly girl. I don’t want you to get hurt today.” I nodded and looked down in shame. I was causing him to suffer. I did not like it. He pulled my face up again and gently kissed me. It was not the type of kiss that was expecting anything back; it was one to let me know he was there. And that was a comforting fact. I smiled timidly, but masked my worry.
“What time are we leaving?” I kept looking at him until he responded.
“I will hear when we are to leave; I am waiting for a message.”
I frowned. This was not the response I was looking for.
“A message? Is this a shape shifter thing?”
He nodded grimly.
“Then will I be able to hear it?” I asked.
“Only if you know what you’re keeping an ear out for.”
“Well will you tell me what it is, so I know?” I pushed. My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms in annoyance. He sighed and looked over my head. When he looked back at me, his face was composed. It looked almost like a mother does when they do not want to tell their child something. This just made me more curious to read between the lines. It could not be that bad, could it? I thought to myself. “There will be a howl, one so loud it will rock the foundations of this home. That is what we are looking out for.” His eyes were cold and reserved. I could see he hated this fact, I could tell even more that he hated what he was. I knew he thought of himself as a monster of sorts. To me, He was an angel in disguise. I nodded, taking in this important information. I needed to think, and I wanted to be alone. I got up and walked out to the lounge room.
I seated myself on the couch, my head in my hands, waiting for this call. He walked in, rubbing his bruised ribs. “I guess I should change your sheets, they must be dusty from…” he paused, taking in a deep breath. “From the dirt that was flying around last night.” My head snapped up at his words. He should be resting, I thought, not doing my laundry.
“No, it’s Okay.” He opened his mouth to protest but decided better of it. “Ryder, stay here and rest, you need it to heal.” A faint smile came across his face as I sat him down on the couch, about to go off and strip my bed. “What?” I said, confused. “I heal faster then normal. I should be ok in a day or two.” I was about to ask if I could do this too, but given he had said that I was everything he was and much more, I decided I probably could. I nodded curtly and walked off to my room.
I watched the sheets go round and round in circles in the washing machine. Ryder had not heard any word from his family and he was getting anxious now. It got to the point where I had to leave the room; I decided to hide in here for a while. After about half an hour of silence and Ryder cursing to himself, a howl, loud enough to shake the house just as Ryder had said it would, was heard. My body pulled me to my feet in a nanosecond and I sprinted down the hall, faster then I had ever been able to before. The genes must be kicking in. I contemplated while standing next to Ryder’s now flawlessly polished form. He had changed into new clothes. He was in faded dark blue jeans, a pristine white shirt with the sleeves rolled up just above his elbow and tan leather shoes. The sent of an expensive cologne gently swirled under my nose - drool worthy in every aspect - I found myself drawing my body closer to his, just in time to stop myself and gain my composure. When he saw what I was wearing, grey tracksuits, a look of anxiety spasmed across his face. “You cant wear that! Get changed, I’ll explain why later.” I gave him a puzzled look but I did what I was told.
I ran down the hall and into my room. I thought I was going to have to wear my dress again, but no, Ryder had gotten me something to wear. He always seemed to have clothes lying around. I thought all of this over while I ripped of my clothes, standing in front of bed. Ryder had gotten me a white flowing dress, it had a low cut v-neck top and had gold sown in around the edges. Beside the dress, was a pair of cream Mary-Jane heels. They screamed 'accident!' but i gnored the height and put them on. I pulled them on and ran into the bathroom. I looked ridiculous. I was all dressed up but I had no make up on and my eyes were frantic and very confused. I did my make up, more natural then usual to suit the dress. And I blow-dried my hair straight. I splashed on some perfume I found in the drawer and ran out to meet my new royal trainers.
I could only see Ryder as I walked gracefully up the white hallway, my heels clicking against the marble floor. I could tell his family were standing around the corner from the ecstatic look on his face. I smiled at him and walked straight to his side. He moved his body ever so slightly so he was standing in front me, guarding me from a possible danger. I reached down and grabbed his hand. Then I saw them.
I sucked in a huge breath so I could resist the urge to look away. There they were standing exactly as they did in the painting in Ryder’s bedroom. Except, this time there was one person missing. The young girl in the green dress was not there. I did not bring it up because it looked like it could be a tender topic. They were all smiling warmly at me. One woman in particular, I recognized as Queen Adabella. Ryder’s Mother. She had long wavy blonde hair, a small heart shaped face and beautiful, magenta eyes. Her arms were open wide and a large dimpled smile played on her face. “Hello, I’m Adabella. It’s lovely to meet you.” She walked towards me and took me in a fire hot embrace. I hugged her back, stepping shyly back towards Ryder’s side. She turned around and gestured to a man standing in the corner of the room, inspecting some artwork that hung on the wall. He turned around. It was like looking at a darker, more worn version of Ryder. I instantly knew this was his father, King Ellard. He was tall and handsome, except his eyes were a startling shade of emerald green not violet like Ryder’s and his hair was speckled with grey. His eyes shone through his wrinkled face as he stepped forward to me, hand stretched out for a shake. I shook his hand back, but I was not quite sure if I should curtsy after. I decided to stand still so I did not look like a moron. Ryder pointed to a shorter, leaner figure behind his mother. “That’s my older brother Adam." He gestured to the figure across the room. "He is a lot like my grandfather, eccentric and strong willed. However, he is a bit shy at first, so do not astound him too much. Your beauty is making him sweat already.” He whispered in my ear. Ryder straighted up and sniffed suddenly, his mother and father following suit. A look crossed each of their faces, one i couldn't quite place what it was. Ryder glanced to words the kitchen.
I smiled and walked quietly over to him. “Hello Adam, I’m Gypsy.” I extended my hand, and smiled gently, trying not to frighten him. He looked up at me out of a mess of brown shaggy hair. I gasped when I saw his eyes. They were a bright, fire orange. He was only a tad shorter then I was. Skin the same golden tone as Ryder’s, same full lips. Nevertheless, there was sharpness to his features that made him so unlike the rest of his family. “I know who you are.” He snapped back. I recoiled and straightened myself to my full height. I was not going to let him scare me, so I smiled, nodded, and walked back to Ryder’s side, taking his hand. He saw the look of bewilderment on my features. “He just takes time to warm up to people, that’s all. Give it time.” He whispered reassuringly into my ear.
I looked up at him and sighed. This was going to be hard if I was going to train with him. Ryder’s mother was watching us, her kind eyes taking in everything her son was saying and doing around me. I caught her eye and she blushed delicately against her pale skin.
Adabella’s children - her sons at least - didn’t resemble her petite, somewhat elfish looks. The whole family was attractive. I could see she was a caring, warm, yet firey soul. I could easily see she would do anything to anyone given the chance to protect her loved ones. Her husband seemed like a brave, tough man who could be strict if needed so. But underneath, I was sure he would be a big softy. Adam was an entirely different case. His mysterious and quick ways were unusual to say the least. Ryder motioned for us to follow him into the kitchen for lunch. He must have prepared it, to give him something to do while he was waiting. I could see our training must be post-poned to tomorrow.
Ryder and I walked hand in hand there, me watching the ecstatic grin on his face change suddenly to one of immense anger and horror. It was aimed at whatever was in front of us. And it was waiting in the kitchen, eating our lunch. “Hello cousin, I was wondering when you would find me here.” He was back. Balthazar was back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I only read about half of the first paragraph, but I read the earlier chapters, so I have a little background to review this on. Ryder is this should-have-been-dead-a-long-time-ago-but-is-cursed-so-still-alive-and-very-hot-and-strong-and-werewolfish. He's actually a ton like Edward Cullen, as Gypsy is something like Bella, except prettier. Maybe those are just two lame characters - if characters they can even be called - that we all fall back on for lack of better ideas, quirks, descriptions, whatever. However, let's try not to, because they're boring 'characters' to read, as they probably are to write. Try to develop Ryder and Gypsy a little more, and give them a few faults, something to make them less papery and more real, yes? Er, more on this topic after these following nitpicks.
As for your grammar/punctuation/spelling, let me just say it needs a lot of work. Allow moi, mademoiselle, to point out a few mistakes that are relatively easy to fix...
If you have a dialogue tag - the bold part - then you ought to finish off the dialogue with a comma, like this:
***
Here's another one:
It's fine, not its fine. This is a contraction, which, if spelled out without the apostrophe, would read, 'It is fine.' 'Its' is possessive, and completely incorrect in this sentence. ^_^ In case you hadn't noticed.
***
And another mistake, but it cannot go into quotes, because your whole story from start to finish has this problem - you need to learn how to split paragraphs up! Whenever you're beginning a new sentence, ask yourself, Is this the same idea, dialogue, subject as the sentence before it? If the answer is no, you have to start a new paragraph. Always begin a new paragraph when someone speaks, unless it's the same person speaking about the same subject as the dialogue before. Nobody wants to read huge blocks of description and info-dumps mixed in with confused dialogue tags. x-x
Lemme give you some examples.
The above would be correct, since he's talking about the same thing. He doesn't like it. Doesn't like what? He tells you in the next bit of dialogue. Sorry if I'm just confuzzling you more. Dx
The quote directly above is incorrect! Every time a different character talks, except in very old and obscure circumstances that you needn't worry your head over, a new paragraph must be started. Got that? Good.
***
Well, those are all the nitpicks I have for today. Erm, except one more, and then I'll tell you what I think of the story overall.
AUGH! -vomit- For one, 'off mine' simply sounds horrible. Also, 'ripped his lips' sounds not only vulgar, and creepy, but also entirely misplaced. This would look much better:
Please, do something more like that. Thank you!
***
Okay, so now to my impression of the story.
Your MC is Bella. Like I said, she's prettier, but she has the same lack of nature, lack of face. Why can't she make weird snorting noises when she laughs, or randomly leap into the air at all the wrong moments, screaming things like, "French people are so fantastic!"? Is there some reason they both have to be completely perfect? Maybe make Ryder subject to fits of violent temper, or give him a tendency to randomly scratch his right ear. See what I mean? (Also, his leaving out conjunctions - saying did not as opposed to didn't makes him sound more robotic than olden-days. Fix that?)
Another thing that bugged me was how quickly the two of them fall in love. Sure, it's fun to write about romance and kissing and uck, but the story is so much less interesting when, by the second chapter, you can just see the intense love in his eyes. It's a story-killer, and ruins the reality of the rest of your yarn completely.
Ahem, anyways. I do like the idea of the world kind of... ending, and the cursed royal family is quite an interesting twist; a good idea for a story. I commend you in these two respects, and I do hope I don't come off as too snappy, I'd just like it rather more if the characters were developed a bit better. Make Ryder weird, eccentric, short-tempered - anything, just get that horrible Edwardian tint to him washed off. Yesss? Yay.
Above all else, keep practicing! A few revisions and my - and others - advice will have you *famous* in no time. Eheh, to some extent, as are we all.
-SELA
More Paragraph Splitting:
Chapter Five
Ryder ripped his lips off mine and shoved me away. I was still standing there shocked, my arms still holding the shape of his body, my eyes blank with the vision and my mouth hanging open like a goldfish.
“What…the hell was that?” he gasped at me. I shook my head, not knowing how to answer him and for it to sound sane. Ryder made his way shakily to the stools behind the counter and sat down, his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry.” I stuttered, I did not know what else to say. I slumped into the seat next to him, my eyes closed. My head was still spinning from the vision. He looked up at me, an expression on his face as if I had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world.
“Why are you? What! Do not be sorry. Its fine," He paused and struggled to regain composure but managed. His face became caring, his eyes though remained cold. "Come here.” I shuffled over to him, my head hanging low in embarrassment, into his waiting, jumper-covered arms.
I closed my eyes on his chest and let my hair fall gently over my face. One of his hands held me close to him; the other gently stroked my cheek. I felt the tears coming and I bit my lip so they would stop. His fingers caught underneath my chin and pulled my face up to see him. I looked into his eyes; they were full of love and worry.
"Please, don’t worry. It will be fine. I promise we can make this work. I'm the one who is worrying about you silly girl. I don’t want you to get hurt today.”
I nodded and looked down in shame. I was causing him to suffer. I did not like it. He pulled my face up again and gently kissed me. It was not the type of kiss that was expecting anything back; it was one to let me know he was there. And that was a comforting fact. I smiled timidly, but masked my worry.
“What time are we leaving?” I kept looking at him until he responded.
“I will hear when we are to leave; I am waiting for a message.” I frowned. This was not the response I was looking for.
“A message? Is this a shape shifter thing?” He nodded grimly.
“Then will I be able to hear it?” I asked.
“Only if you know what you’re keeping an ear out for.”
“Well will you tell me what it is, so I know?” I pushed. My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms in annoyance. He sighed and looked over my head. When he looked back at me, his face was composed. It looked almost like a mother does when they do not want to tell their child something.
This just made me more curious to read between the lines. It could not be that bad, could it? I thought to myself. “There will be a howl, one so loud it will rock the foundations of this home. That is what we are looking out for.”
His eyes were cold and reserved. I could see he hated this fact, I could tell even more that he hated what he was. I knew he thought of himself as a monster of sorts. To me, He was an angel in disguise. I nodded, taking in this important information. I needed to think, and I wanted to be alone. I got up and walked out to the lounge room.
I seated myself on the couch, my head in my hands, waiting for this call. He walked in, rubbing his bruised ribs. “I guess I should change your sheets, they must be dusty from…” he paused, taking in a deep breath.
“From the dirt that was flying around last night.” My head snapped up at his words. He should be resting, I thought, not doing my laundry.
“No, it’s Okay.” He opened his mouth to protest but decided better of it. “Ryder, stay here and rest, you need it to heal.” A faint smile came across his face as I sat him down on the couch, about to go off and strip my bed.
“What?” I said, confused. “I heal faster then normal. I should be ok in a day or two.” I was about to ask if I could do this too, but given he had said that I was everything he was and much more, I decided I probably could. I nodded curtly and walked off to my room.
I watched the sheets go round and round in circles in the washing machine. Ryder had not heard any word from his family and he was getting anxious now. It got to the point where I had to leave the room; I decided to hide in here for a while.
After about half an hour of silence and Ryder cursing to himself, a howl, loud enough to shake the house just as Ryder had said it would, was heard. My body pulled me to my feet in a nanosecond and I sprinted down the hall, faster then I had ever been able to before.
The genes must be kicking in. I contemplated while standing next to Ryder’s now flawlessly polished form. He had changed into new clothes. He was in faded dark blue jeans, a pristine white shirt with the sleeves rolled up just above his elbow and tan leather shoes.
The sent of an expensive cologne gently swirled under my nose - drool worthy in every aspect - I found myself drawing my body closer to his, just in time to stop myself and gain my composure. When he saw what I was wearing, grey tracksuits, a look of anxiety spasmed across his face. “You cant wear that! Get changed, I’ll explain why later.” I gave him a puzzled look but I did what I was told.
I ran down the hall and into my room. I thought I was going to have to wear my dress again, but no, Ryder had gotten me something to wear. He always seemed to have clothes lying around. I thought all of this over while I ripped of my clothes, standing in front of bed.
Ryder had gotten me a white flowing dress, it had a low cut v-neck top and had gold sown in around the edges. Beside the dress, was a pair of cream Mary-Jane heels. They screamed 'accident!' but ignored the height and put them on. I pulled them on and ran into the bathroom.
I looked ridiculous. I was all dressed up but I had no make up on and my eyes were frantic and very confused. I did my make up, more natural then usual to suit the dress. And I blow-dried my hair straight. I splashed on some perfume I found in the drawer and ran out to meet my new royal trainers.
I could only see Ryder as I walked gracefully up the white hallway, my heels clicking against the marble floor. I could tell his family were standing around the corner from the ecstatic look on his face. I smiled at him and walked straight to his side. He moved his body ever so slightly so he was standing in front me, guarding me from a possible danger. I reached down and grabbed his hand. Then I saw them.
I sucked in a huge breath so I could resist the urge to look away. There they were standing exactly as they did in the painting in Ryder’s bedroom. Except, this time there was one person missing. The young girl in the green dress was not there.
I did not bring it up because it looked like it could be a tender topic. They were all smiling warmly at me. One woman in particular, I recognized as Queen Adabella. Ryder’s Mother. She had long wavy blonde hair, a small heart shaped face and beautiful, magenta eyes.
Her arms were open wide and a large dimpled smile played on her face. “Hello, I’m Adabella. It’s lovely to meet you.” She walked towards me and took me in a fire hot embrace. I hugged her back, stepping shyly back towards Ryder’s side.
She turned around and gestured to a man standing in the corner of the room, inspecting some artwork that hung on the wall. He turned around. It was like looking at a darker, more worn version of Ryder. I instantly knew this was his father, King Ellard. He was tall and handsome, except his eyes were a startling shade of emerald green not violet like Ryder’s and his hair was speckled with grey.
His eyes shone through his wrinkled face as he stepped forward to me, hand stretched out for a shake. I shook his hand back, but I was not quite sure if I should curtsy after. I decided to stand still so I did not look like a moron. Ryder pointed to a shorter, leaner figure behind his mother.
“That’s my older brother Adam." He gestured to the figure across the room. "He is a lot like my grandfather, eccentric and strong willed. However, he is a bit shy at first, so do not astound him too much. Your beauty is making him sweat already.” He whispered in my ear. Ryder straighted up and sniffed suddenly, his mother and father following suit. A look crossed each of their faces, one i couldn't quite place what it was. Ryder glanced to words the kitchen.
I smiled and walked quietly over to him. “Hello Adam, I’m Gypsy.” I extended my hand, and smiled gently, trying not to frighten him. He looked up at me out of a mess of brown shaggy hair. I gasped when I saw his eyes. They were a bright, fire orange. He was only a tad shorter then I was. Skin the same golden tone as Ryder’s, same full lips.
Nevertheless, there was sharpness to his features that made him so unlike the rest of his family. “I know who you are.” He snapped back. I recoiled and straightened myself to my full height. I was not going to let him scare me, so I smiled, nodded, and walked back to Ryder’s side, taking his hand. He saw the look of bewilderment on my features. “He just takes time to warm up to people, that’s all. Give it time.” He whispered reassuringly into my ear.
I looked up at him and sighed. This was going to be hard if I was going to train with him. Ryder’s mother was watching us, her kind eyes taking in everything her son was saying and doing around me. I caught her eye and she blushed delicately against her pale skin.
Adabella’s children - her sons at least - didn’t resemble her petite, somewhat elfish looks. The whole family was attractive. I could see she was a caring, warm, yet firey soul. I could easily see she would do anything to anyone given the chance to protect her loved ones. Her husband seemed like a brave, tough man who could be strict if needed so.
But underneath, I was sure he would be a big softy. Adam was an entirely different case. His mysterious and quick ways were unusual to say the least. Ryder motioned for us to follow him into the kitchen for lunch. He must have prepared it, to give him something to do while he was waiting. I could see our training must be post-poned to tomorrow.
Ryder and I walked hand in hand there, me watching the ecstatic grin on his face change suddenly to one of immense anger and horror. It was aimed at whatever was in front of us. And it was waiting in the kitchen, eating our lunch. “Hello cousin, I was wondering when you would find me here.” He was back. Balthazar was back.
Please PM me when the next chapter comes out.
Do you really think any person would react like that? Really sit back and consider what he just saw. What if that was your family? How would you react. I personally think he would be a little distant, not because he’s upset with her but because to see something like that is A.) Frightening B.) Very unusual C.) VERY PERSONAL, that’s his family.
The first sentence, was it really that she didn’t know what to do? I think she said sorry because she didn’t know what else to say, because this is just as new to her as it is to him.
“I’m sorry.” I stuttered not knowing what else to say.
Then for his response, it’s another over reaction, after you change the first sentence you could have him say.
“Don’t be sorry,” he paused to gain his composure, (since he should be a little shaken from the vision himself) “come here.”
I cut out the “this isn’t going to be easy” spiel because really, it didn’t fit, why on earth would he bring up their relationship at a time like that?
A little tip, don’t always say she’s causing him pain, because when something really big happens that word will be meaninless. Try:
I was worrying him
“I decided” Does she also decide when he goes to bed? I would delete this, it would make the sentence before and after seem smoother because this one seemed unneeded and made her character drop a notch in my books.
The first half sounds weird. Maybe just have him say he’s waiting for a message then Gypsy can ask about it. That would be more polished.
So the suspense is great when they are waiting for the howel!
One thing though, this dust? I thought that was the night before last. Double check that.
Why is his form “regal” now? Especially if he’s only wearing jeans (that’s not very royal). Be careful with word choice.
Haha, cute but I’d rewrite it so it paints a better picture.
The sent of an expensive cologne gently swirled under my nose - drool worthy in every aspect - I found myself drawing my body closer to his, just in time to stop myself and gain my composure.
OR
A drool worthy sent was emitting off of Ryder, a sent so enticing - I had troubles gaining my composure.
*Experiences whiplash* Umm… what is she wearing?
If your going to have him tell her to change, either mention somewhere before or after what she is wearing so the audience can understand the situation better.
Shopping... where? The world is basically gone, is it not?
Why would he want her to wear high heels if he’s so worried about her safty! For goodness sakes - she could break an ankle!
Also if they are training her it just seems like something ridiculous for a girl to wear.
*stops frowning* but I’m hoping there’s a reason for this outfit, a more reasonable one.
Queen Adabelle
*Lets out a tear of pain* I like this name, but be careful, your story is already pretty close to Twilight, now the “bella”. It’s too close. If you change some of the previous Twilight similarities i pointed out this won’t be a problem with this name, I’d hate to see it go, it’s a good name.
Oh nice, I can’t remember the last time I read a description of how a face is shaped, unless it was round and fat! Good on you!
Delete backwards.
I hugged her back, stepping shyly back towards Ryder’s side.
Kind Ellard
Oh I like this name too, good choice.
not violet like Ryder’s and his hair was speckled with grey
(sounds smoother since you are comparing the two)
Since there is an audience in the room you might want to describe this situation a little better.
“That’s my older brother Adam.” seems like something he would say out loud, so tell the reader that.
You could have him whisper the rest of his speech, or just the beauty part. Either way, involve the parents, make them laugh at what he’s saying or something.
That sounds like something he’d whisper to her too.
You need to break this up.
Adabella’s children did not look a lot like her, well her sons did not. Or.
Adabella’s children - her sons at least - didn’t resemble her petite, somewhat elfish looks.
*screams, while pulling hair* EDWARD'S MOM! Maybe switch it up, have her being the strong one, and the husband being the caring loving one. Get as far from Twilight as you can.
Wouldn’t she of known before hand that they were going to have lunch first? I thought they were just going to practice whatever, you know?
Let us in on these things before they happen, clearly it was prepared, so why didn’t we (your avid reader) know?
*snickers* oh you’re my hero, the plot thickens.
Nice job, but wouldn’t they have noticed right away that he was in the kitchen, isn’t his smell heightened? I would think they would notice sooner.