Man With Knife- Part 1

by gema11

Published July 28, 2015

12+ Violence

I just had the sudden urge to write this piece. I want to continue it, but I'm unsure how, even though I really like the beginning. Anyway, let me know what you think!

*******

As Officer Roxton turned his Crown Vic down the rutted and weedy monstrosity that passed for Tamarind lane, he was forced to slow the car to a crawl as roiling fog seemed to seep out of the ground and surround him. He cursed under his breath whoever had made the call that sent him down this miserable lane. The only information Sherry the operator had received was that the farm owner’s dogs had gone berserk and he was convinced that an intruder was coming to ax-murder his entire family. Of course the entire county had been jumpy since last...

Roxton shook his head like a wet dog, trying to shoo away those thoughts. Probably just some bored kids, messing around with the guy, he told himself firmly. Something in the fog caught his eye. The shape, reduced by the fog to a smudge in the distance, slowly gained definition, the wisps of gray fleeing the twin beams of the car’s headlights pointed their way.

It was revealed to be a man, doing something to a telephone pole. Roxton squinted his eyes, and realized that he was hacking at it with a knife. Nervously, Roxton slipped his hand down to his hip holster, checking that his gun was their.

He brought the car to a stop next to the strange man, who continued hewing out a gash in the wooden pole. Roxton sat silently for a moment, taking stock of the man. Ratty blue sweatpants that had been cut off just above the knee so poorly that Roxton suspected the man had used his knife to saw off the offending pieces of fabric. His shirt, on the other hand, was a white dress shirt with mud-stained tails hanging down over the sweatpants. No shoes, and long hand tied in a greasy ponytail, Officer Roxton decided the man was probably crazy, possibly homeless. The two went together less often than one would think.

The telephone pole and probably-crazy-possibly-homeless man were to the right of his car, so Officer Roxton opened his door and leaned over the roof of the car, ready to jump back in and gun it if things got too hot for him to handle (let it be known that Alexander Roxton hailed from Alaska, and had never experienced a summer over 80 degrees until he moved to Kentucky for college, and an unpleasant atmospheric surprise).

“Excuse me, sir,” he said.

The man continued hacking at the telephone pole.

“Excuse me, sir, that’s government property you’re defacing,” Roxton shouted, much louder. He moved a hand to his gun. “I’m going to have to ask you to drop the knife and put your hands on your head.”

The knife-wielding man froze. Roxton tightened his grip on the gun. The man dropped his knife to the ground, then quickly followed it in a spectacular imitation of a wooden board. The thump caused Roxton to jump a little, but he quickly hurried around the car, gun at the ready. But the man was still lying on the ground, a few feet away from the knife, not moving save for a few shudders that wracked his body, accompanied by a gasping, choking noise. After a second, Roxton realized the man was crying.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably, and walked for slowly, saying, “Sir, I am putting you under arrest for disorderly conduct and the defacement of county property. You have the right to remain silent.”

Mindlessly he went through the litany that he recited to those he arrested when he had the chance, all the while grabbing the man’s unresisting arms and handcuffing them together.

“Okay, now you’re going to have to get up,” Roxton said, grabbing under the man’s left arm and pulling him up. To his relief, the man complied and did not put up a struggle.

Roxton made a small choking noise in his throat.

With a rueful smile on his tear- and bloodstained face, the man glanced down at his shirt front, which was encrusted with old blood, dried brown and crusty, and newer blood whose ominous red drew Roxton’s gaze in the streetlight. “Don’t worry,” he assured Roxton, “It’s all mine.”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
RagingLive
Review
RagingLive wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2015

Hi, there! RagingLive here to review “Man With Knife” (interesting and very catchy title by the way!)
You don’t have very many mistakes so bravo, my friend! I’m just going to give you a little advice to help this short story run a bit more smoothly!

As Officer Roxton turned his Crown Vic down the rutted and weedy monstrosity that passed for Tamarind lane, he was forced to slow the car to a crawl as roiling fog seemed to seep out of the ground and surround him.

Here we have a very wordy first sentence, not the best way to start off a short story and grab someone’s interest. Maybe if we clear this up:
“. . . turned his Crown Vic down the rutted and weeded monstrosity that passed for a road.

I knocked off the part after the comma and rephrased Tamarind Lane. Let’s look at what we can do to continue in the next sentence:

He cursed under his breath whoever had made the call that sent him down this miserable lane.

“He was forced to slow the car as a roiling fog seeped out of the ground to surround him and cursed under his breath at whoever had sent him down the miserable Tamarind Lane.”

Mindlessly he went through the litany

Here, I don’t quite agree with the use of ‘Mindlessly’ maybe you could replace it with something that doesn’t make it look like the officer was as crazy as the man.
“Officer Roxton recited the litany with unhesitating precision. . .”

all the while grabbing the man’s unresisting arms and handcuffing them together

‘all the while’ doesn’t sound very professional placed here and also, did he handcuff the man’s arms or his wrists? Let’s clear some of this up:
“. . . while grabbing the man’s arms and cuffing his wrists, the man not resisting at all.”

With a rueful smile on his tear- and bloodstained face,

There is no reason for the hyphen here.

This is all I could find and, again, I applaud you for the continuity you show in writing.
Please, please, please continue writing this!! I have got to know what happens!!

So keep writing and keep on smiling!! :)
~RagingLive

User avatar
MckieC Review
MckieC wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2015

This is stunningly good. The beginning word choice is flawless, and your grammar is almost perfect. However, in the last sentence, of your third paragraph you used "their" when you should've used "there".
It's very easy to visualize your writing, because you have such great control of your word use, which creates amazing imagery. In certain situations you probably should've put a comma or two in a complex sentence. Dialogue is a pretty difficult part of writing, but you used it well, and it added to your character's personality. Overall, this is a magnificent start, and I'm looking forward to you continuing your works.

~Mckie~

gema11 replied · Jul 31, 2015

Thank you for the compliments and suggestions, I'll take them in account.

User avatar
civilizedbrat Review
civilizedbrat wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2015

According to me it was a great piece of work! I'd be an immense pleasure to go through the continuation series of this literature piece! The way you began with the beginning was just WOW :D Indeed it was a remarkable aura that you set up in plot starting from spooky atmosphere & surroundings and ending onto grounds of suspicion.. The first half of it was enthralling... and makes the reader wonder what's up coming ahead and gives an urgency to read the whole of it... (p.s. though on a frank note i don't like reading or giving reviews on stories cuz i just can't stand them all the way to their end... So u should very well be able to make out the level of inquisitiveness that work creates! Kudos for that (: ) but some where i feel.. the the level of impact that this story had drops down towards the end.. So i think a little more work is required over that... Rest, the work was BANG ON!I just loved the way you wove in those phrases and.. in shott all remarkably done...! but i wish it continued as a spooky fiction... Hahah as a request.... kindly don't end it on a fiction theme, it might turn boring and monotonous....

Great job done!
Waiting for the next parts (:

- Arushi

gema11 replied · Jul 31, 2015

Thanks!

User avatar
civilizedbrat Comment
civilizedbrat commented Comment · Jul 28, 2015



So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6