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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Greetings! I am here to leave a review for you! (As evidently as this may seem, or not.) I hope to be able to convey to you my thoughts on the poem as honestly as I can!
Here we go.
So firstly, the title had at first really caught my attention because most men (and women) have a pride of their own be it weak or strong, so the concept was something that sort of stood out to me. (Always a good thing.) I liked this poem because while it only finished in three stanzas as an overall short poem, it still was able to tell us a lot and really get emotions across. Though it was rather vague, as I wasn't sure what it was that you were comparing to until I briefly read Puckerman's review for you (that's not cheating, is it?). I can see the connection but I just didn't really get it at first. I think that this is probably just my own lack of being able to connect the pieces together.
Your overall presentation of the poem is something that I've probably going to nitpick at some sentences after this. .. Or just right now. Let's see how this goes.
I think it was here in the first stanza that I sort of got the idea of the difficulty of getting up, though it was more related to my mind with own experiences from not being a morning person. Also, you should've broke it into another line where I've placed a purple slash (hopefully it'll show up). The flow was a bit awkward here, the first two lines end at a period and leaves it as a sort of short thought; the third line is sort of long and doesn't fit in with the rest. At the fourth line, I was sort of expecting to read it as "receive" instead of "revive", but I'm not sure. /shrug. I would suggest to rearrange some wording here.
On presentation: make sure that you check over your poem, since it begins with a lower-case, I sort of expected to see it continue with lower-case lines. It threw me off to see it mixed in up with whether you were going for a consistent pattern of lines beginning with lower-case letters. This goes for the same with the rest of your stanzas. Unless it was intentional, you should check it over. The presentation of a poem really depends on even the smallest of details and could change how a reader would feel about it.
Just fix up that space between the comma. Again, the first lines, while at first seem good to read through, I think that it sort of falls short. But this one had strong wording and really got me to become more aware of what's going on here. I liked the lines here, though a break at the end is something that I think should be placed.
I think that this was my favorite stanza of all, since isn't like any of the previous stanzas and is immaculate in both presentation and flow. Very emotional and really strong here, we reach it with an ending that closes the poem beautifully.
So I had a lot of say here.. Overall, it was a good poem, but you had some blunders here and there. I really do like it though, it was well written and I liked what you were going for here. It had a nice flow, it did, but I really had to analyze it and dig into it - it's something that I do. This poem was different and really gave a strong finish, despite the sort of weak opening, your building up towards the end was great. It showed conflict and struggle, and really conveyed that beautifully. I hope to be able to see more of your work around here though, your writing shows a lot of promise. Am looking forward to seeing future works from you.
Hope that this review helps.
With sincere words,
~IRI
hey! thanks a ton!
i would have never cared for the lower case stuff else
i think that's just my stupid casual attitude towards it.
your review was a real eye opener
thanks again.
geek
wow,
Greetings! Puck here to review
the story you put into this is amazing and you showcased the feelings and stuff really vividly. a really beautiful rendition of an old man's will to stay young.
surprisingly, it rhymed well without killing the meaning and depth and that, i guess, what really outshone it.
the word choice is witty and vibrant and one verse seem to collide with the next in a very natural way which is good. for example :
"With tears in your face
and the reality you refuse to embrace."
I really liked it.hope to read more.
Puck
thanks puck
the poem's more themed on a weak man trying to compete a strong one
not an old man wanting to stay young.
i really appreciate all that you had to say.
geek
A very nice poem I should say. And one can tell that you have put your heart into it. I liked the last stanza and it is my favorite. Everything is well written and I must say you are pretty good. You have managed to distribute the lines evenly into three stanzas with five lines each. However those extra long lines give it a very disheveled look. You can even the lengths and even increase the number of stanzas and that will make the poem even better. You can punctuate it more properly too. You need to improve a bit too since you have potential and really you can do much better. Last but not the least I hope you take this as encouragement to write more and keep writing. after all, we improve by writing what we feel and not by practicing to write. Anyway, Good Luck!
thanks!