The Weak Man's Pride

by geekyfreakyminds
  • August 11, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • hearts of ink
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The Weak Man’s Pride
              
 
when you try to get up,
But you don’t succeed.
When your mind is so convinced to hit back...that one last time!
With outer limbs refusing to revive
You still go ahead with nothing but the undefeatable weak man’s pride.


With tears in your face
and the reality you refuse to embrace.
Caught up in your ego, you tell them that you won’t go down without a fight
and they tell you that you’re right.
but not so deep in , you dread the pride to blaze through anymore.

the wise would withdraw,
and come back all toned yet raw,
but you persist, hoping to survive
but even with outer limbs ready to compromise
this time hope fails to revive
killing the weak man’s pride.
Comments & reviews · 1
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wordsandwishes
Review
wordsandwishes wrote a review · Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:46 pm

This poem is great! It conveys so much meaning while adding a bit of a story-like feel to it. You know, like a legend. And it worked really well for this piece.
Anyway, I'll be reviewing this by stanza, which I haven't done before, so bear with me; Here it goes.
STANZA 1
You captured the reader with your first two lines:
"when you try to get up,
But you don't succeed."
I think that it's something we can all relate to, when it seems like it's all just too much. But you keep going, even if all you have left is a weak mans pride.(As conveyed in the rest of the stanza). I didn't see any problems with this part, and I know that a lot of other people get picky with the punctuation, but I feel that the punctuation is just as important as words and layout to convey your meaning. So you have full artistic licence over that.
STANZA 2
You move deeper into what's going on your head and then what happens next. It gives the reader a glimpse of the outside forces that brought you down in the first place. And how what you said and how you felt were two different things. It helped the reader connect even further.
STANZA 3
You don't quite say what happened, (which provides a bit of mystery) but you let the reader know that this time, it wasn't enough, and you lost. That the smart thing to do would be to withdraw, but you didn't. And it cost you everything.
Anyway, I think that overall, this is one of those poems that are perfectly imperfect; If that makes any sense.
My rating: 5*s

Hope to read more of your work!

w&w

Random avatar
geekyfreakyminds
geekyfreakyminds replied · Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:55 pm

hey thanks a lot!
actually perfectly imperfect, if one thinks over the phase is more on the negative side :P
geek



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
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