Introduction
They say if you turn off the lights and any electronics near and sit in a room perfectly dark and silent, you can hear it. You can hear the ringing far into the distance. They say thatâs your brain trying to explain the silence, but theyâre wrong. Dead wrong.
Itâs them. Theyâre after you. Some people can hear the ringing all their lives, those are the lucky ones. If you canât hear the ringing, they broke through. No amount of running or hiding can save you. But only a couple of people canât hear it. IN every century, ten to fifteen are born.
If you can hear the ringing, consider yourself lucky. Go live your life to the fullest. If you canât try it again, maybe youâll hear it.
All these children, about in the teens, canât hear the ringing. They are chosen by some people I cannot say for theyâll kill me right this instant. The children all are given a special ability by the time theyâre thirteen.
Be lucky that you can hear the ringing, and if you canât, Iâm sorry. Iâm so very sorry.
One: Medusa
Medusa grabbed her gym bag and shrugged it over her shoulder. Sneaking out in the middle of the night has been easier than she thought, way easier.
Her father couldnât hear the garage over his own drunken snores. Medusa Trotter has been a good kid all her life. Well, all her life up until eighth grade until she could see people no one else could. She became quiet, very quiet that she hasnât spoken since then.
A car rushed by her splashing her shoes with dirty sewer water. She could see a few kids walking right past her. They were covered in white fog; Medusa detected them as being dead. Every dead person she saw was covered in white wispy fog from head to toe, if they had all their body parts. Medusa tried ignoring them, but it never seemed to go away.
Sheâd seen things she thought only existed in horror movies. She kept her hat covering her eyes so her neighbors wonât see her. Even though itâs the middle of the night, some of her neighbors loved to party.
âHey, why are you ignoring me again?â She befriended a little girl who died because her dad drowned her in the bathtub, Talia Hast. Medusa didnât have to speak to her directly to communicate. She figured out they could read minds so she kept silent. No one ever really noticed, though.
Iâm just tired, I guess. Medusa replied. Talia watched as the car sped past her. The sewer water didnât affect her. âSure you are.â Talia said. She sighed. Medusa couldnât see her after that. Medusa just tried to get to the bus station before the tiredness took ahold of her.
âHey,â Medusa turned around, no one. She brushed it off seeing how many spirits do that to her.
Fortunately, the bus station was still open. Medusa dug into her pockets, $150. It was just enough to get her where she wanted to go.
âCan I help you?â A tired grown man asked. Medusa pointed to her throat, the man got the idea after a couple of minutes. He signed âCan I help you?â Medusa signed back, âOne ticket to Arizona.â
â$155.â Medusa sighed. âI only have $150.â
âFine, only because Iâm the only one here and I donât want this job anymore.â He gave Medusa the ticket. Medusa saw eyes flicker white. She sighed; she didnât want to do this this early in the morning. She silently took out salt. When she grabbed the ticket, she took the chance and showered him in salt.
The man screamed. The spot where the majority of the salt landed turned into a giant burned blotchy scar. Medusa saw that his eyes were white. She took the ticket and ran towards the bus. She knew this was the bus she was getting on.
âHey!â The bus driver yelled. She was in her mid-forties. Medusa could tell. She wore blue boy shorts and a sweat shirt. âThe bus to Arizona isnât âtil four!â Medusa looked at the radio on the bus. It was 3:48. The driver glanced at her and nodded.
Medusa used Persuasion on her. When she got the ability to see spirits, she always found out she can coax people into doing things she wanted.
Medusa climbed on the bus right after dropping a line of salt on the third step of the bus.
She ran to the very back left hand corner. She was left handed and loved everything on the left.
Before she knew it, people started to board the bus. She noticed the cashier man was nowhere in sight. Medusa made sure no one would sit next to her by putting her bags on the seats next to her.
Medusa slept through most of it, her nightmares resting for the trip, and no spirits visited her either. She considered this trip was the only peace she was going to get.
Two: Roxas
Roxas Rickles ran for his life. He ran âtil his legs ached and not even then did he stop. He looked behind him, they were catching up. His breathing was coming out in small puffs as if asking to give up and be caught.
He took a sharp turn, those always threw them off. âRickles! Iâm going to get you!â They called out in unison. Roxas couldnât laugh; afraid itâll take all the oxygen in his lungs.
He ran up some stairs and closed the door. He ran around his little town, people reacting as if this was normal, which it was. He closed many doors, ran into many shops. Finally he made it into the woods he found when he was younger.
The majority of the people in the town didnât know it was there. Aside to Roxas and his pets, the woods didnât exist. Roxas climbed his tree house he finished building not too long ago.
He fell on the floor, watching if they would follow. When they didnât show, Roxas collapsed on the floor. He breathed heavily.
His cat meowed at his presence. âHey.â He said. âTimmy, whereâs Willy?â Willy was his pet ferret. He was always in his cage and now, with Timmyâs quiet behavior, Roxas had a feeling Willy was in Timmyâs stomach.
Timmyâs tail acted as a guide and twirled towards the window. Roxas approached it, hoping that Willy might still be alive. When he found Willy dead Roxas didnât hesitate. He put Willy in between his hands and thought of a beating heart. Most people would find it quite disturbing and scary to the thought of someone bringing someone back from the dead.
Roxas Rickles could not only bring people back but also send them there. His Auntie Fist told him he would die at exactly the age of fifty. When Roxas got the ability to bring people back at the age of thirteen, he aunt explained everything.
âWhen you bring people or anything back you will lose a day of your life, but if you kill anything you gain a day, you got that?â He recalled. He knew he shouldnât play with the gift. So far, at the age of seventeen, he killed fifteen people and brought back five,
He knew after an hour that he was safe. He jumped out of his tree house and walked towards the town abandoned train tracks. He hasnât spent much time out of his house but when he does he spends all day outside. Today is one of those days.
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I love how you've played on the suspense and adrenaline and left us wondering who/what 'they' are. That short abrupt phrase- 'dead wrong' - works well for emphasis on not only how wrong but also on the seriousness of what the ringing in fact is. 'I'm so very sorry' does the same thing - emphasis on how dangerous these things are. Also, the build-up in the prologue is very well done : it makes it clear to readers why these kids are running and why one is a psychic and the other has supernatural powers.

The character development for Medusa is pretty well done : she must live in a slum-like neighborhood (sewer water, drunk father, rowdy neighbors), she seems smart (carrying rock-salt with her), and her being a selective mute and befriending a girl who died a very tragic death highlights her sensitive personality. With Roxas, however, everything is vague. We know he's flippant, because he's 'running for his life', but he obviously wants to laugh. His survival instincts kick in nicely and he's experienced with his power but other things like where did he live and how did he survive (money, food?) ? Did he go to school? His pets being at the tree-house suggests he lived in the tree-house. How does Roxas's life work?
Paragraphing - because it's hard to read otherwise and we also don't really have a sense of transition. It seems as though abrupt ideas are being introduced.
Some sentences could be condensed into one, to have a smooth effect rather than short choppy sentences. For example : instead of 'When they didn’t show, Roxas collapsed on the floor. He breathed heavily....', you could say something like "When they didn't show, Roxas collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily as Timmy meowed, noting his return. He leaned against the wooden wall as he scanned the room and noticed the empty cage his pet ferret usually occupied. Already knowing the answer, he turned to his uncharacteristically quiet cat. "Timmy, where's Willy?", he asked, tone accusatory. Here, by condensing sentences, one idea flows onto another.
There is an issue with your tenses. Choose one tense and stick to it. Since you started out in past tense, I would suggest 'He hadn't...' and "Today was...'.
Overall, I love the idea. It's very promising. Roxas reminds me of the dude from heroes, and maybe you could watch it to develop a basic idea of how Roxas was surviving (food, clothes, etc). I also suggest the movie Constantine, just for a general idea to help you with imagery and character development, in case you haven't watched it yet.
Hiya! Here's dutiful to review your work:
I like the theme, its very unique. You dont see a lot of those these days. You've totally left us in suspense! Not fair 

Although, I fear I may have already heard something similar to it 

This story is quite good. Very promising
But there are a few problems here, nothing that can't be rectified.
First, the story looks more like one giant paragraph. Its difficult for readers to understand the script, when all the dialogues come one after the other in a straight line.
SO you might want to divide the story into little paragraphs, leaving enough space between each dialogue.
Also, there seems to be problems with the punctuation as well. I guess gaurav already briefed you on that
Other than that, I dont see anything wrong with the story. I'm pretty intrigued by it. I want to know what happens next! And also, your introduction was simply amazing!! You've certainly got me looking out for ringing sounds
I like Rickles' point of view too. his story is too interesting.
You've done a pretty food job, considering this is your first one.
Oh, and I almost forgot:
WELCOME TO YWS!!!
Good job.
Keep writing!
-Divz
Hello there. Boy from the future is here to review your work.........
First of all we welcome you in Young Writer's Society. Now about your story.
This story seems to be interesting. I really like horror and suspense filled stories. I can say that this story can be a fantastic one if you revise it once more time. It contains punctuation errors and grammatical errors .The very first thing you must do here is, maintain space between two paragraphs and in other words divide this story into paragraphs. Now when it comes to punctuation, in this very first sentence, Introduction They say if you turn off the lights......................... Put a (colon) after the word (Introduction).
Now, in the first few lines you've repeated the same thing "If you can't hear the sound" which may set off a reader so i suggest you not to repeat any sentence unless it is necessary.
(") I’m just tired, I guess ("). (Remove the full stop with comma here) Medusa replied ( if this is a dialogue you should put inverted commas which I can see you've done properly afterwards , so it is not a big issue). I am also a newbie here and hence if I've made any mistake in reviewing , pardon me . The suggestions I've made here are my personal choice though.
Final words : I really feel that this story has the potential and I'd like to wait to see more works from you or if you want to continue this story, please do it. I like the concept behind this story. keep up the good work. All the best.
Keep writing,
I hope you enjoy this site
-gauravkundu32-
I'm sorry, I wanted to review your work, but I can't seem to get through it. Please separate this into paragraphs, it will make it easier to review and more appealing to the eye.