I can feel it within my veins,
a strange desire to fathom.
To abolish it once and for all,
this chaos of life.
But still it arrives on time,
just as I begun to think of a happy muchness.
Causing the destruction of every positive notion,
like a tornado on a serene land.
I have heard of a friend’s betrayal,
leading to a soul-wrecking into pieces.
This catastrophe is distinct in its nature,
for it is my own thoughts guiding me to the edge of a cliff.
The panic within me apprehends my heart,
into the darkness we all fear to step into.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, gayatrikulkarni! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review
I will begin with what I enjoyed about this poem. I thought this was amazing, it had such vivid imagery and was truly captivating. I especially love this line, where you have used those techniques:
It was beautiful, even much so that I think it should have been the last line of the poem. It was the climax that the poem needed. The extra lines of "The panic within me apprehends my heart, into the darkness we all fear to step into", only seemed to decrease the effect of the prior line. I would think of including those last lines somewhere else in the poem and make "For it is my own thoughts guiding me to the edge of the cliff" the last line.
With what I assume is the the first stanza, there was a minor detail which bugged me.
You wrote "a strange to desire to fathom", but then wrote "to abolish it once and for all", which I found contradictory.
When you say "fathom", you refer to contemplation, the act of thinking for one's self. Many people include that particular word with life, so when you refer to abolishing "this chaos of life", it really does appear as a contradiction.
Not only that, Why does abolishing life and desiring to fathom appear in the same stanza? It does not exactly make for a reasonable section. Fathoming and Abolishing are two different meanings. Explain?
Last of all, you do need to arrange this into stanzas. I understand there may be difficulties with publishing, as I have seen various other reviewers state, I, however, don't know exactly how to solve that issue, but I will demonstrate the correct layout.
I hope this helped! I loved this, great work! I hope to read more of your work!
Keep Writing!<3
-ScytheMeister
hello ScytheMeister,
Firstly, thank you for your detailed review. It means a lot to me
Let me explain what I meant with the following lines.
a strange desire to fathom.
'To abolish it once and for all,
this chaos of life.'
I meant to put forth that I want to understand this panic I feel and I want to destroy it because it is causing pain and trouble in my life.
I want to end it with
'The panic within me apprehends my heart,
into the darkness we all fear to step into.'
because I want the reader to feel as if we all go through the same feeling of ascending into the darkness.
As for the stanzas, thank you I shall look in that!
Best,
G
This is a really great start, but I think it can be made better just through slightly different word choice. Can't copy and paste, because iPhone, but I will do my best to type your lines faithfully.
"But still it arrives on time,
just as I begun to think of a happy muchness."
The second line here is a bit awkward. If you use either "begin" or "began" instead, that will improve it a lot (wave hello to my inner grammar nazi). Also, try to think of a different way to say "happy muchness." Maybe try the line "just as I begin to think I am/I'm happy."
"I have heard of a friend's betrayal,
leading to a soul-wrecking into pieces."
Again, my grammar nazi is going to speak. The first line is fine, but the second line gets me. It doesn't make much sense, grammatically speaking. Try "leading to my soul shattering into pieces" instead, maybe?
"The panic within me apprehends my heart,
into the darkness we all fear to step into."
These two lines don't make sense together, content-wise. Can you expand/explain what they mean in the grand scheme of the poem? By that, I mean reply to this review, and I will give you more feedback on those lines based on what you say they are supposed to mean.
Other than these few grammar issues and those last two lines, this poem is amazing! It really captures things I think many of us feel at one point or another. Keep up the good work, and keep working on this poem. I think you can take it to great places with a bit of polishing.
Hi Rachel32,
Thank you so much for your review! I really like the happy muchness part and I think it goes well with the poem. I will look into the grammar once again. I agree with your point about soul shattering instead of wrecking. When I wrote the last two lines, I meant that the panic inside me anticipates my heart with fear into this darkness. At the same time, I also meant that this darkness is something we all go through(or are afraid to go through)
Best,
G
Okay, I see on that last part what you meant, now. I think it was just a matter of the way I read it versus the way it should have been read. Thank you for clarifying!
This is great and really captivating. I don't know if this is on purpose but the line: "for it is my own thoughts guiding me to the edge of a cliff" is the longest in the poem - was it done to illustrate a cliff and the full stop used to imply that someone's fallen off it? If it was that was really smart!
Your use of metaphors and similes really bring the essence of being in the state of panic to life which I loved, I'm not really good at description so I envy your ease to do it
However, I would say I'm not sure 'muchness' is an appropriate word, to me it sounds childish and silly and doesn't fit with the serious mood you've set for the poem. Other than that great poem!
Hi RavenBlack,
Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad to know you enjoyed the poem. By using the word 'muchness', I mean that just as I am beginning to think about happiness, panic soars through and destroys everything. Muchness here means happiness in a big quantity.
Best,
G
Ahhh, okay I understand why you chose it then.