Young Writers Society

I love your idea and how the story flows. We all should keep in mind that we are not some proffesional writers and that making mistakes will make us LEARN. As I said, I like the story though when started you should have given a brief description of your characters or maybe a description of where they were sitting. There are some grammitical mistakes and and aswell as mistakes concerning punctuation. Eventhough, I am in my early teens.I think books have helped me ALOT in that aspect and since english is not your mother lanuage I think you are in a pretty good shape.
You need to describe how your character feels and just add a little suspence so that the reader is forced to stick and read.
Good going though.
Looking forward to more work.

Great idea. I love the way the story is flowing, especially the personalities of the characters. I encourage you to continue writing, and post more! You did a really good job at describing what was going on, and I also like the word choice. I think you should expand a little more, and go more in depth. As always, good luck to you and your writing. Keep up the good work!

Hey,

First of all a warm welcome to YWS. I just read your story and trust me when I say that it was great. The plot is amazing, the storyline too and your Idea rocks.

Although this was a good piece it had some mistakes.

As a beginner adding less description of people and places is meant to happen (Same case as mine) but don't get disheartened because it happens with almost everyone. You just need to describe what you are imagining more. Like how the characters look, what they are wearing, how is the place they are sitting in, what the characters feel about it and what the surrounding is like, etc. So try adding descriptions (As mentioned by many below too)

Now lets come to the grammatical problems.

There were to many unnecessary spaces throughout the story.

It was a cloudy evening. It seemed like it was going to rain and James was sitting with some of his Mates and waiter was waiting for the order .

James started the conversation ," hey Philip , How's your romantic life going on bro ? "

" Not so well , She's so arrogant and piss me off and I feel like if I am grounded , you know what, married life of mine sucks!! ewe , When we were dating , she used to talk with me so politely and also cared me in every way possible but now she only give her orders and if I do not obey her she start talking about divorce , can you Believe ! Divorce man, What the heck !"

" Hey, calm down bro, Suzanne is a nice girl as far I know her and if you try to convince her once she'll be ok " before James could say further Philip cried, " If she wants us to live together in the same house , she'll have to become the old Suzanne , the girl i fell in love with, whom I know, I loved more than my life and will do forever , I'm not her servant who follow her orders "

" So you want her to follow your orders " Daniel said with a brisk smile in his face.

" Ohh Danny nope never bro, but we're couple , isn't it ! if I'm fulfilling her desires she ought to care for me and love me , Also I've heard that She dates someone else while I go away from home for work" wiping his tears off, Philip said.

" Oh That is me, I guess, with whom she like to roam around" said Daniel by winking at James.

" What, Did you say , Amelia , but She's my fiancée and we'll be engaged soon , I love her and can do anything for her, she's a pretty girl and I know her better than anyone .Once she had told me that she had some relation with a cheap guy but she brake up with him, because the chap was too mean and lusty , I did not knew , it was you , as she never had told the name neither I asked her, I trust her more than myself , " said James in an agitated manner.

"I wish I could stay here for some time but My fiancée is not well today and she need my company there at home, I'm sorry guys , Let us see, if we can get together soon, See you Soon , Bubye " said James and ran out of seat soon . He disappeared soon and now two only left sitting in front of one glass of bear which was half filled .

i won't do a full review because the other reviewers did some very good jobs and i don't have anything much to add, but I'll give you a little one seeing as I agreed to review this.
You don't need to capitalise half as much as you did. You've capitalised random words in the middle of sentences, like she and descriptive words and stuff.
You need your dialogue to feel more genuine, yuknow, like lads chatting in a bar, not like great philosophers philosophising about love.
Also, i got a little bit confused between the characters. A bit more description of each character and a bit more character building would be good. Maybe start from when they're arriving, with them all walking in. Have them say, "Hey, how's your wife?" and stuff and just get it all settled in our minds before you go into the big issues.
also, describe the setting. They're in a bar- a posh bar, a grungy bar? Indoors or outdoors? What are they drinking?
I hope I helped a bit

HELLO! Jay Here!
ACTIVATE UNICORN POWERS!
Lol.
Okay so like, I like the basis of the topic that you've placed these characters in this situation.
However... don't hate me. I think you need a bit more detail in description/situation/dialogue when I say Dialogue I mean like they can't sound the way they do, it sound fake almost, but I want it to sound convincing and like well, yeah... don't hate me. Also I feel as though the whole situation is explained but it's very broad... I feel like you could of placed some words in places where they were needed and took out a lot of things that weren't. You understand?

Also conjunctions, use them: can't, I'm, etc.

Plus, spelling, like in the beginning when he says piss, I think and mentally I already did this but I think it should say "pissed" slap me if I'm wrong.

But overall I liked it. I mean it wasn't bad, but you know it wasn't... great. Don't kill me for saying that please! But you know it could use some work and editing.

Have you ever tried listening to music and writing? It helps me a lot when I write, it helps me get a certain flow and a certain rhythm into the story that helps move it along. Plus it just helps me, but I tend to start writing the lyrics and singing the songs! #LoserStatus

Anywhore, work on it and don't be afraid to add emotions, details and describe the characters emotions. I mean full on emotions, though, you know right? I live for description and emotion, I love to know what they are feeling, I want to be able to visualize the sweat dripping from their forehead down the bare naked skin of their neck while a cool autumn breeze blows across the small puddles of perspiration giving that sweet sensation of goosebumps flowing in a wave of energy across their back and down to the bottom of their tailbone, you know what I mean?

But yeah, also, who are these characters besides what you've already written...? Give me more info about them... I want to experience what it is they're going through even if it is just little enough for me to get a generalization of who they are, is enough. Just enough detail to form a basis.

Smile it keep the demons away, and yeah.

Wow that was a lot, and well yeah sorry but I'm honest and yeah.

Kk, work on this and I'm sure it will be flawless! BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

-Jay.xx.

I'll do the world's shortest review because I'm not very good with this genre myself.

First, I think James, Daniel an Phillip need a bit more of an intro before we see them in a conversation. Maybe add a para initially to say the three friends were sitting and chatting. Add a bit of the environment maybe in the description.

Secondly, the ladies in their lives all seem to interwine and that is clearly the origin of my confusion. I'm not sure that confusion can be cleared otherwise though. It's a part of your plot. I suppose we could have some introduction where we aren't thrown into them all getting mad and screaming so we can calmly discern the relations presented here.

Finally, you tend to keep your sentences long, placing commas to help elongate it. Don't. Shorter sentences help readers keep track. Use more fullstops and also, don't be scared to put question marks where you feel the rant is said in an 'asking' tone.
Try placing your piece on Word, and fixing up all the errors shown. Basically the mid-sentence capitalization and the punctuation.
This article by Demeter might help: viewtopic.php?f=151&t=44898

And yup, best of luck and all. Hope to see more from you soon. And hope this review's helped.

Hey I got the idea about your story. Hmm, it's nice.But lot of grammar errors which I think you can manage with a little help. This story is lot about love and relations. I like your idea. Waiting for more from where this came from with hope and tears in my eyes. Just kidding, not with hope and tears but I'm waiting. Just do your best and write up your imaginations I'm sure you can get your story moving in no time.

I started doing a point by point review, but that seemed pretty fruitless. There are some clear reurring errors here, and I'll try to point them out so that you can apply them in an edit. overall the piece is dealing with a pretty interesting scenario, but you've left the reader quite a bit of work to do in understanding the piece.

Your punctuation in general seems to misunderstand spacing. Generally the rule is to have a space after a punctuation mark, but not before it.

"It was a cloudy evening."
Stories often begin with a description of weather. It sets the scen, and can be used to give some indication of the mood of the scene through pathetic fallacy. However, it's also a great opportunity to show, rather than tell. The reader can discover that the evening is cloudy without you directly telling them that it is so. What does a cloudy evening look like? How do people react to it? What causes it? Work around these descriptions and you could manage a more intriguing introduction to your piece.

" What!! ?? "
You overuse punctuation, particularly exclamation marks. If everything is emphasised, then nothing is. It is incorrect grammar to combine multiple exclamation marks or question marks (and doubly so to do so with both).

"was "Amelia de Fernando " said"
You don't need those quotation marks in the middle, as the proper noun refers to a person who is being dated.

"What, Did"
Generally, capitalisation is required only for the beginning of sentences, "I", and proper nouns.

"liquor left was now emptied by Daniel"
Liquor cannot be emptied. A container filled with liquor, however, can be.


I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or feedback. If you felt that this was at all what you're after in a review, feel free to ask me to prvde input on future work.

So you requested this review.

Animal is here to save the world review...

Let's get started...

There are some errors.

Daniel started drinking again , said, " These freaky manions never know the true meaning of Heaven , what the heck !! totally Rubbish people , " and while saying so, he fell on the table which resulted in breaking of the wine glass which fell down on the ground, when stroked from his head, drew attention of some people nearby , though the table cloth remained clean as before, stain free, as the liquor left was now emptied by Daniel.

I've prepared your favourite dish also , so do not get late and come soon , ah yeah , also do not get wet in Rain , Ok dear, Your Love <3"

" Hey, calm down bro, Suzanne is a nice girl as far I know her and if you try to convince her once she'll be ok " before James could say further Philip cried, " If she wants us to live together in the same house , she'll have to become the old Suzanne , the girl i fell in love with, whom I know, I loved more than my life and will do forever , I'm not her servant who follow her orders "