here it goes...
----------------------------------
I stared blankly down the shrub-covered hill. A few hundred yards away, a fire danced. I wasn’t sure whose it was, or what was burning, but it was eerily mesmerizing.
A light breeze blew hair out of my face. I inhaled deeply, taking in the cool night air. Lying down in the wet grass, I closed my eyes. The calming quietness relaxed me. No thoughts entered my mind as I heard someone approach. By my guess, they were standing relatively close to my head.
“What the heck?” I heard a tired voice say.
A smile twitched onto my face. My eyelids parted and I could see Will standing above me; his figure no more than a silhouette against the dark sky.
“I swear, Zeria, you’re a very twisted person.” He sighed, sitting down next to me. “Do you even know where you are?”
“Should I?” I asked, propping myself up on my elbows and cocking my head to one side.
Will laughed lightly and shook his head. His grin dazzled as if to challenge the moon itself. My stomach fluttered.
“I’ve been watching that fire out there.” I pointed across the landscape to the distant glow.
“Wow…you are strange.”
A silence fell. The empty sound of night was broken only by a small clink.
I jerked around. All senses on full alert. My heart pounded as I glared out in the darkness. I saw nothing, but wasn’t about to calm down. Whatever was the worst thing that could happen, it was running through my mind.
“What?” Will followed my gaze and—just as I did—saw nothing.
“I just thought I heard something.” I replied, stiffly turning back around.
Suddenly, a bag was thrown over my head. I immediately flailed about and struck someone in the face. I ripped the sack from my face and saw a silver glint. A sword. It rang as it tore through the air. I ducked and watched it pass just above my nose.
Will was on his feet now. He punched the attacker in the jaw. The man flew to the ground. I jumped up and kicked out at him. He grabbed my leg and pulled. I tried to break free, but sprawled forward. I hit the ground hard on my side began rolling down the hill. I extended my right arm in an attempt to stop myself. Pain exploded in my shoulder as my arm smashed onto the hill. I felt a pop as my weight crashed down on my arm. More pain.
I held tightly onto my shoulder and stayed in the grass where I had stopped.
Sounds of combat and blows carried down to me from atop the hill. I couldn’t tell who was winning or what was going on. Just that Will and the stranger were fighting.
At that moment, my thoughts caught up with the events that were occurring and a state of panic flooded over me. Immediately, I got to my feet and ran up the minor slope. My shoulder burned and I tried to pump my arms as little as possible.
In a matter of seconds, I was behind the man. He no longer had his sword. I momentarily considered finding it, but discarded the idea and swung my fist at his head. My punch landed on his ear. He stumbled to the side.
Will barely acknowledged my presence. He wiped blood from his mouth, kicked the man in the stomach and was locked in hand-to-hand once more.
Adrenaline was coursing through my body. I hopped lightly from foot-to-foot, waiting for the right opportunity.
The man pushed Will aside and picked up his sword. I hadn’t noticed it before, but it was right next to him. He pointed it at Will and then at me. And I wondered then, if I should have been scared. I stared angrily at whoever the man was. He was breathing hard and ran his fingers through his blond hair. I could hardly see the blood on his face through the darkness.
Will steadied himself and looked ready to fight again, but the man was in control of the situation and let the tip of his sword rest just below Will’s chin.
I took a slow step forward.
The blade flashed toward me now. I tried not to look as worried as I felt, though I knew I probably did.
“Come with me.” The man ordered gruffly.
A shiver ran down my spine when he spoke. I turned my head slightly in Will’s direction. I wasn’t about to do anything alone.
His jaw set and his gaze hard, Will nodded.
End of chapter
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Great story so far. Keep it up!
There are some suggestions, though.
The "By my guess," part seemed awkward. Maybe you could something like, "I thought they..."
Also, what do you mean by "relatively close?" Try giving an actual distance (3 feet away, etc.), or just deleting the, "relatively."
Zeria is a creative name, but I don't really like books with unpronounceable names. I enjoy being able to say them, preferably correctly, in my head.
Why did her stomach flutter?
This part should go quickly, but this is a little much. This seemingly important part happens so fast, the reader might need some time to understand what's happening. You could add more descriptions, so people could picture the specific scene.
I think this might have been said before, but the sentence doesn't seem very important.
Also, describe the man a little more.
Amazing first chapter! The ending is great, a nice cliffhanger.
That was a great story. This sentence, "Suddenly, a bag was thrown over my head. I immediately flailed about and struck someone in the face. I ripped the sack from my face and saw a silver glint. A sword. It rang as it tore through the air. I ducked and watched it pass just above my nose." really brought me into the story. This was the best story I read on this site so far. Keep up the great work! (The first sentence says it all.)
Everybody else has said what I want to say...but wow. I love this one. So cool, so good.
Cheers.
--Voxina
This is an action-packed and gripping opening with lots of potential. The ending leaves people wanting to know more. I find the world this is set in very interesting and I look forward to seeing how it develops.
I like it =) keep going with it, make more posts, and see what you come up with. I think the storyline has some real potential, and you have a great vocaublary and word usage. And by the way, I LOVE her name. It's peculiar I'll admit but that was probably the point lol. Anyways, keeping writing 'cause I want to read what happens next =)
joce, this is definately an amazing begining for the sequel to the other book....(un-named) i usually find that the origionals are better than the sequels, but i doubt that is going to be the case with this book. i never fully completed reading th other one and reading your writing again i am dying to re-read it all. you are an amazing writer. never stop.
i was a little confuzzled on this part... see, i got the idea that they were both sitting looking at the fire (also a little random... where'd the fire come from??) and then when the sack is thrown over her she gets it off and ducks???? if she's sitting on the ground then how does she duck? and watch it pass in front of her nose. well this was the only imperfection i found, you know i dont care about grammer.
my admiration for you never stops growing.
-m.j-
thanks for the comments to everyone so far.
Ashleylee: in the first sentence that you pointed out, sorry, i just forgot the 'and' in there, and i was originally intending for the MCs to be human *shrug*
thanks for your review!
Good start...but the ending kind of caught me off gaurd. It felt as though there should be more but it was like you ended at a random spot. Maybe expand a little at the end.
Other than that, I only noticed one thing:
Awkward wording in this sentence. Try: I hit the ground hard on my side before beginning to roll down the hill. Or something similiar.
This sentence was my favorite. Really made me smile!
*beams*
Now, I'm just going to go over a few things:
My, what a big imagination you have!
You do! This was a very creative story. However, at first, I thought it was set in the present with two kids watching a fire for some reason. But then, Will made a comment to your MC about something it made me think that maybe they arent' human...maybe?? But that just might be me letting my imagination run wild!
But other than that, this was good! I look forward to more!
This is a very good beginning, very descriptive and once in a while it'll give me a picture.
This part was my favorite and gave me a nice, clear picture of Zeria[??] or whoever was standing there.
This sentence didn't really 'flow' for me. It's probably just me. I know what your trying to say and all, but it's just weird[?]. Maybe something like "The worst possible thing that could happen..." I'm not sure..so you may just want to forget about this little part that I mentioned. hehe
I like this part and how you described the character listening to what was happening, yet not exactly knowing what was happening.
I personally would change the first sentence...actually just the first part of the first sentence.
"Sounds of combat and blows carried down to me from atop the hill"
Maybe something like "Sounds of combat and blows swept down into my ears as I was standing below the hill" Not necessarily that, but yeah...!
Like Hobbes said, this has a lot of potential. It'll probably be even better than the Hunt...and the Hunt is a novel!!! In my opinion, of course I'm not one of those people who name books novels.
Anyway... I love this book so far. It's really good!!
"In a matter of seconds, I was behind the man. He no longer had his sword. I momentarily considered finding it, but discarded the idea and swung my fist at his head. My punch landed on his ear. He stumbled to the side. "
instead consider
In a matter of seconds, I was behind the man, who no longer had his sword. I swung my fist at his head. My punch landed on his ear. He stumbled to the side. "
play around with but I just think the part about him discarding the idea of finding the sword is really awkward.
This is the first chapter then make sure you take some time to slow things down and explain the setting.
lots and lots of potential!
I don't know who said it but I heard a quote once "The hardest part about writing is deciding what to leave out"
I'm guessing you did this as a transition toward describing the blood on his face, in which case you could try something like "He shook/flipped the blond hair out of his eyes." or something.
You've got a couple of adjectives and adverbs that just add weight to your sentences, here they are, plus some other suggestions.
1)
I inhaled deeply, taking in the cool night air.
What you've done here is take all the attention away from "inhaled", people notice the word "deeply" more easily, and I'd venture a guess that it makes them think the author is trying too hard. No offense.
Try "I inhaled, taking in the cool night air."
See how "inhaled" is naturally followed by a pause, it makes it so that the readers themselves almost want to take a deep breath as they're reading
2)
I hit the ground hard on my side began rolling down the hill
Add an "and". "I hit the ground hard on my side and began rolling down the hill"
3)
He was breathing hard and ran his fingers through his blond hair
Didn't you say in the paragraph before this that he was hand to hand with Will? Kinda hard to take a good ol' stroke through the scalp when you're in combat with somebody.
The blade flashed toward me now. I tried not to look as worried as I felt, though I knew I probably did.
Get rid of "now". The rest of the story is in past tense.
A shiver ran down my spine when he spoke. I turned my head slightly in Will’s direction. I wasn’t about to do anything alone.
Slightly doesn't fit well here either. Just use: "I turned my head in Will's direction."
Other than that I like it. It's well done and very fast paced. It's refreshing to see a girl write a combat scene
cool.I think your story line has the potential to be really cool.