Published July 17, 2009
This room is far too white.
White walls, white bed sheets, white bandages, white hospital gown, white floor, white white white. The only other color is dull gray-blue. A stripe of it runs around the room and it colors the guest chairs. The guest chairs are not empty, as I would have thought they would be. A tall Asian boy sits in one chair, thick-rimmed glasses falling down his nose as he types away on his phone like always. A tan boy with lots of jewelry and bright blue hair shoved underneath a thick knit cap is sitting in another, earbuds in his ears and a far-away expression on his face. And in the third chair sits a petite, black-haired girl, wearing a blue dress over jeans and reading Pride and Prejudice. And this is the girl I speak to.
“It didn’t work, huh?”
Her head shoots up like one of those Whack-a-Mole things I played when I was a kid. "No, it didn't, if you meant to kill yourself." She smiles. “I told you it was hard to cut that deep.”
“Stop encouraging him,” Aden says, looking up from his phone and rolling his eyes at Charlotte. Lyric smiles, tugging the earbuds out of his ears.
“You’ll have wicked scars though,” Charlotte says, not paying attention to Aden, who looks rather irked. “It’ll be pretty awesome.”
I want to hug Charlotte. The second I think this, she puts her book down and slides her arms around my neck. She smells like honey-scented shampoo. It’s refreshing compared to the harsh, stale hospital smell I’ve been inhaling for the past minute since I’ve been awake. I kiss her cheek as she pulls away, and she kisses the top of my head. Lyric pretends not to notice, but Aden looks obviously disturbed. He doesn’t get us, doesn’t quite fit in with us, but we needed a manager and he was cheap, good, and willing to drive our tour van.
“Can I see it?” I ask, looking up at Char’s face. She’s pale and her black hair falls in loose curls around her shoulders. She shrugs, and they tumble.
I look down at my left arm. It’s covered in white gauze and tape and it’s hard to find a place to start. I eventually manage to peel all the tape off, then I start on the bandage.
When the white gauze falls onto the matching bed sheets, I’m left staring at the words carved into my arm. I remember doing it; it hurt like a motherfucker, then wouldn’t stop bleeding. The last thing I remember was Lyric banging on the bathroom door of the motel room.
Charlotte’s pale hand reaches out and her fingertips touch the stitched-up skin. She’s quiet, reverent.
“It’s a shame,” she says softly after a while, “that people are going to think you were only trying to make a statement. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people being unaware of how deep someone’s pain is.”
“You sound like you condone what he did, Charlotte,” Aden says, looking up from his phone once more.
“The last thing I want is you dead,” Charlotte says to me in a raised voice so Aden can hear, looking at me with deep brown eyes. “You know that.”
I lace my fingers with hers. “I know.”
“You’ve got to stop trying to off yourself,” Lyric says, drumming his fingers on his thighs. He’s an antsy person. His mom says it’s ADHD, but Charlotte says that rhythm is in his soul and he has to get it out some way or another. Charlotte is usually right about these matters.
I look down at my arm. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, really. It just got out of hand. Daddy’s Little Plaything, my arm reads in stitched slices. It’s the name of our band, it’s the subject of my therapy sessions, it’s everything. It’s consumed me. I am my issues, I am my problem. It’s too late to turn back now.
This is what I think. Charlotte thinks otherwise. Charlotte was a toy once too; she was something to be used, abused, and thrown away just like I was. But she used it to her benefit, she wrote songs about it and she made us famous in our little Jersey town. The difference between Charlotte and me is that Charlotte is strong and I am weak. This is why I cut myself last night. This is why Charlotte’s skin is whole. This is why I’m on a hundred different medications for depression and PTSD. This is why she smiles. This is why I frown.
Charlotte reaches her hand out again, but this time she reaches up and tucks a lock of black, curly hair behind my ear. “Don’t think about it too much,” she says softly. “Let it go. Let it be.” And with that, she kisses me on the lips, soft and sweet and wet. I kiss back, tangling fingers in her hair, which is so like mine.
“Heads up,” Lyric says, and Charlotte pulls away just in time to see the door open and our mother walk in. And our mom looks resigned, because she’s been in this place before, been called to the hospital in the middle of the night more times than any mother should be. She brings with her an uncertain future, uncertain except for one constant: my sister, Charlotte.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,364 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Definitely continue this! The end was so unexpected which is what I love about it. The scene setting and charatcers are so vivid and described so imaginitively especially whe you describe charlotte. Love it
agreed
Wow, that ending really shocked me! I love it though; the story was great!
That was amazing! You have a serious talent goin on. Like others before me said, you have enough material here to make a novel. Keep on going with it! As far as nit-picks go the only thing that I saw was that the sentence where you compare Charlotte's head popping up to a whack-a-mole felt cliche. Plus there was no real reason for Charlotte's head to move so abruptly. Yes she was happy to hear brother's voice, but I don't think that she was so surprised/happy that she'd be willing to give herself whiplash to see his face one second sooner. But that's just a small detail. A slightly bigger issue is that you tell instead of show a couple of times. Stating that Charlotte was controlled and the main character wasn't is unecessary. The reader can determine that for themselves. Also saying that the band manager dude didn't "get" the two siblings was an example of telling instead of showing. Although I do see why you mentioned it; it served as a sort of foreshadowing to the fact that Charlotte was the main character's sibling. Which brings me to something that I really liked in your story. I liked all of the hints that you dropped that you dropped about their relationship. Of course I didn't get it till the last line but then I was like, "OMG that makes so much sense!!!" And as a final comment, I'd just like to say that your story rocked and that you need to keep writing
THE ENDING IS EPIC! it kinda reminds me of me and my own brother without all the sexual innuendos and implications. This is cool. Not something i would usually read but I did like it. Keep writing!
Hey,
I lovelovelovvvve this piece. From the first sentence, I knew it would be good. I *kind* of expected the ending though, especially when you said Aden was disturbed and that his hair was so much like Charlotte's. So incest, eh? That's pretty screwed up but makes wonderful short stories. I figured this was a stand alone when I read it but everyone else was like 'PM me when you have more!' so I was kind of like 'o.0?'. I don't think you should have more and I don't think you are; I mean it's in SHORT STORY for a reason. Overall, amazing piece. I'm going to look out for more stuff by you. "D
Favorite Line: The difference between Charlotte and me is that Charlotte is strong and I am weak. This is why I cut myself last night. This is why Charlotte’s skin is whole. This is why I’m on a hundred different medications for depression and PTSD. This is why she smiles. This is why I frown.
Grade: A+
~Jas
This was really good, but I have a question: Did you mean to post this in Romantic Short Stories? It just doesn't seem like it's about romance, if you get what I'm saying.
The plot was a little confusing, then again, I'm the person that needs everything explained in black and white, but yeah.
This was really good! Great job, keep writing! You may even want to take this further!
Woah!! That was certainly interesting. I wish you'd go into more depth- though, continue it, maybe? You have an entire novel etched out here, and then it just-ends!
It's really cool though and seems to have a pretty complex background.
Not really sure what else to say though, it was very good.
~BTM
awesome piece of writing the last 3 words is what really hooked me! pm me when you put up more! though you need to further explain the deal with the abuse? and what "daddys little plaything" means, why exactly did he cut himself? why are those two going out? why does lyric ignore the relationship? otherwise great book!
Alright, so, that was slightly incestuous. Just slightly, though, nothing too major.
So, your little story leaves some questions. Why would he attempt suicide, and why? Answering these questions will mean going in deeper to find your characters emotions and thoughts. You have to keep asking yourself, as a writer, why anything is
important to write into the story. You have a good story, you just need to go a that little bit further to make your story really fantastic.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
I don't think I've ever read anything like this before
I'm always looking for stories like this but can never find them!
I guess that I'm sorry if you're after critisism, because I have none! 
Perfect flow, perfect ideas, perfect little story 
But GOOD JOB! 
Xxx
I wish I could write like this, for a start. I have nooo imagination. But you have talent
Perhaps you could have made the message slightly more clearer, but only slightly - it's maybe because I'm slow at catching on, but I don't really understand the relelvance of the title
I have to say, this had me near tears. It hit really close to home, and I like that about your writing.
I found no faults in this piece or at least none that i could see. Another reason I like this is because it left me with questions.
-Why did he kiss his sister? If it's supposed to have meaning in the story that seems like it would make more sense, but that little tidbit at the end confused me slightly.
I'm really looking forward to a part 2 if there is one coming up, but no pressure. I think it would benefit you to make a part 2 to answer some open ended questions.
I am very interested in the overall story as a whole though, this really seems like you put alot of thought into it.
Keep writing
--Ash
The ending made me read it over about five times. I thought he liked her!! It was a cool ending, nevertheless. Anyways, I can relate to this story because one of my friends cuts herself. Very interesting.
Whoa man! Sweet stuff! That was one of the most beautiful pieces I've ever read! Dido to the others, PM me when you have more.
This is great!!! Didn't see that twist in the end. I didn't really see anything wrong with it. Please PM me when you post more.
Damn! And well done! Did not expect that twist right there. But its pretty amazing so far. Keep writing. I wanna see what happens with them.
I really loved the ending, please, please PM me when there's more. I can't wait for more!!!
I really loved the twist at the ending. please, PM me when you post more.
I would love more background on some of the characters, but I'm sure that's coming in future chapters.
-A tall Asian boy sits in one chair, thick-rimmed glasses falling down his nose as he types away on his phone like always.
--"like always" seems juvenile.
That is just an example of a coulple of tacked on phrases that are not necessary, and vaguely sound like slang. Thats all I've got for you, though.
Really great writing. Nice flow, and I'm very excited to see what you've written next.
Whoa. Haha, crazy ending. I loved this to be honest. I only found one thing I think you might want to change.
That sentence was worded a little oddly. Maybe say "..I've been inhaling since I've been awake." Because when you say "for the past ..." the reader expects a longer time frame than a minute. At least, I did.Besides that, it's amazing. A little bit strange, because you know, insest is a little creepy to me, but it kind of makes sense because of their shared past and everything. And your characters seemed really developed, especially for something so short. Great job.
I love that part. It's beautiful.
Really great job. I loved the beginning of it too. If you continue this, I'd like to read it. Pm me if you put more up, please!
Hey!! It's me Pandy!
PM me when you put more out.
Pleaseee?? 
whoaaaa twist in the ending!!!!! Omg. lol I really thought they were together or something!! Sister?? Hope you explain that laterr
I like how you explained Charlotte, She sounds so beautiful and put together, but has a past. I also enjoyed how she was young, but sounded like she had years of experience.
-"It’s covered in white gauze and tape and it’s hard to find a place to start."
I think this is kinda like a run on sentence. Maybe try: "It's covered in white gauze and tape. I find it difficult to spot a place to begin." Or somewhere around that. Just felt like there were to many 'and'.
-"He doesn’t get us, doesn’t quite fit in with us, but we needed a manager and he was cheap, good, and willing to drive our tour van."
Maybe try 'doesn't understand us' Just a suggestion
I didn't really see anything wrong with it, I reallyyy enjoyed reading it. I want you to PM me when you get more of this up