Published June 11, 2010
"This is the way it is, Arabelle. Get used to it because you can't change it," I said guiltily. It always made me feel so awful to upset my little sister. Especially when I knew exactly how she felt.
Tears streamed down her perfectly edgy face, "Am, I don't want to wear this itchy scarf. Or the bug-eye sunglasses. Or make the funny faces. I want to be you. Can't we switch?" She pulled at the sequin covered fabric that wrapped around her neck. I could see the red skin where it was scratching her. If only things were like a simple game of dress up. I could be Ashta and Ashta could be Arabelle and Arabelle could be me. Like it were all just a little game.
It wasn't a game. It was life.
"I wish. We are who we are. We always have been. It's just the way things work."
"Can the doctors fix me?"
"No. The time is long past for that, Sissy."
It took me a moment to realize there were running down my face as well as Arabelle's. As we both looked at the full length mirror in her bathroom I put my hands on her shoulders. They were fragile and sometimes I was scared she would break in my hands. She just stood there with rivers of tears flowing down her cat-like eyes and sharp nose.
We looked almost nothing alike. My eyes were big and inviting, hers were almost piercing. Where I had almost platinum blond hair, Arabelle was dirty blond with think streaks of brown. Yet, we were sisters.
Soon to be the most popular sisters of the generation. No pressure or anything.
After a few more seconds of looking at our reflections I turned Arabelle towards me and used my thumbs to wipe away her sadness. "Now smile like the glam goddess you are," I spoke with confidence, hoping some of it would rub off on her. She only smiled grimly and walked , with her head held high like we were taught, out of her bathroom. I stood watching her. For a thirteen year old girl, my sister was stronger than me.
I followed her steps out of the beautiful granite covered bathroom, past her bedroom and into to the hallway. That's when I smelled the absolutely tempting scent. A smile swept across my face and the tears seemed to evaporate.
Bacon.
My pace quickened a little as I walked into the silver gleaming kitchen. What I found only made me want to sigh with annoyance.
Over the stove, with his shirt off, was Ashta's underwear model of a boyfriend. Clarke. Arabelle was looking dreamily at the sizzling bacon. She knew it was against our diet. I couldn't blame her for dreaming, though.
"Clarke, grease is going to pop and burn your prized abs and I am going to laugh," My voice was flat and matter-a-fact. At that moment Clarke jumped back a couple of feet from the oven. He acted as if he had just been shot and his facial expression made me almost curl over in laughter. The glare he gave me after the initial shock made me laugh even more.
"Would you look at that," I said in between laughing fits, "It's like I'm physic. I should open my own booth on the pier! My next prediction is that maybe you should put a shirt on, Hercules. Those abs of yours aren't as mesmerizing after seeing them every waking second."
"Am, do you enjoy laughing at me?" His stupidity never ceased to amaze me so I spoke this time like I was talking to a fifth grader.
"Why, of course not, Clarky-poo! Didn't you know? Insults are the new compliment. It's all over Vogue."
"Really?"
"Sure, I figured you, of all people, would know."
I gave Arabelle a sly smile and walked out of the kitchen. I wanted to run back in and grab the bacon, but I didn't. The scent seemed to follow me to my room where I grabbed my iPhone and texted Ashta.
You're trophy boyfriend is in our kitchen cooking bacon. Better come put him on his leash. I think he needs a walk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is more to come of my first chapter! This was just all I could think of at the time.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Oh, I see! You edited it on the same post! Okay, so that's perfectly fine - normal routine, actually - it's just that someone like me find it easier to comment when they can compare them side by side. But that's okay - since you planned on giving it a full rewrite from start to finish (later posters might wonder where the quotes in mine and Attolia's reviews came from, though!). Hehee.
Anyway, I felt that this was quite an improvement from the age-old beginning of the character waking up. What I liked is how you began in media res - right in the middle of the action, the dialogue, the main CONFLICT. That was great thinking on your part, and it sort of sets the scene for the rest of the book as well (or short-story or whatever you intend this to be).
However, as said before, an element of mystery must still be maintained at the beginning. The reader has to know bits and pieces, but not everything, otherwise they: a. get bored and lose interest if the whole story is revealed and b. don't find subsequent parts as intriguing. What was good was the absolute paring down of adjectives and descriptions of the characters - all the unecessary details being relegated to the back corner of your mind. What wasn't so great about the beginning here was that it sounded almost too preachy, like we were getting the message shoved down our throats right before the story even began. The conflict revealed here is exactly that - the main issue that you're trying to get across - appearance vs reality, shallow identity vs depth of character, inner desires vs outer glamour. Do we need this revealed right at the beginning? And if yes, then do we need it to be revealed this obviously, in this much detail? Why not underplay it instead? Make the reader think it's less important and then...bam, hit them with things to connect this with events later on in the story?
Argh. This just ruined it for me. 'This is the way it is' - I hate to see that kind of a dejected take on life straight from the first words. Imagine opening a book, reading those first words. What kind of first impression do you have of the main character? The main situation? And the line itself is one great big cliche, too, so doesn't give the reader much of a hint of some new thing about to be revealed, some new idea, some new way of thinking.
The little sister's dialogue was great till this point, but perhaps a bit melodramatic. Make the crying more believable. Make her throw a tantrum, like all little sisters do (trust me: I know). And please, please do not try and dive headfirst into the 'moral of the story' right from the beginning. Or if you want this scene to be symbolic...underplay it. Show Amalee (is that her name?) getting feisty, frustrated, angry with her sister (isn't that what you'd do in that situation?) or being a loving older sis - whichever fits her character the best: any philosophical sides to Am can be well-revealed later on. Subtlety is going to be your biggest ally here, since even the barest hint of overwriting is going to kill the depth of the overall theme. Instead, it might come out fake and contrived. Not exactly your intention at all.
This is a 'normal day,' right? So why this excessive nervous breakdown? As a girl, yeah, I cry, but not regularly and not nearly at the tiniest thing. We haven't really been introduced to the earlier parts of where and how the conflict began (which is ABSOLUTELY FINE by me, since it's better to begin straight in the middle of it), and that's why this seems quite unbelievable. No need to have them drowning in tears before the main story starts.
(Gabby, I just want to say here that what you've accomplished in rethinking and rewriting is GREAT and that I am being horrifically specific about this...but that's only because I see you as someone who has so much potential to make this a winner, and I KNOW you will work at it and make it better - the fact that you pretty much scrapped the old beginning is a testament to that.
Okay, I know this is just a tad out of order, but I quite liked this line - it sort of gets a point across, but more vaguely and more subtly than some of the other lines. I'm not sure about it's placement, though...is it dislocated? Might it have greater impact later in the story?
I also like the vagueness of this. At this stage we don't really know what's medically wrong with them - if anything - so this simple child's question makes it all the more intriguing.
First line above is unecessary. The second line...gives away too much too fast. There really is a fine balance between exposition and subtlety to be achieved here!
Hahaha.
Go and count the number of times you've said the word 'laugh' in there. Have a think: are some parts unecessarily overdoing it ('curl over...the glare he gave me'). Make the reader, not the MC laugh.
Yay for another bit of light humour! There's a sweet simplicity of this moment, of the slight sandpapery relationship that Am and Clark have - that any girl and her sister's bf could have - and it sort of slaps us right down into reality again, showing that A, A and A's family might have a humungous point of difference, but at the end of the day, they're a real family with real people and real feelings and interactions.
So...well done on the revisions, keep planning, keep writing and rewriting, and PM me if you've got problems or when you want me to look over something again!
I've read countless 'chapter 1's' and beginnings of short stories (and novels, too, actually) that begin with that tried and tested cliche of the main character waking up and carrying out there normal routine, in doing so surveying and describing themself and their surroundings in great detail to familiarise the reader with their life. I'm not a big fan of this beginning precisely because it's so cliche. Where's the catalyst? Where's the hook? It's like: 'MC wakes up. MC looks around at their room at themself and goes down to eat breakfast.' It's a perfect place for an info-dump - and you must avoid info-dumps at all costs.
I see this idea as having quite a lot of potential, actually, and it's a shame to see such a disappointing beginning. However, precisely because it's a beginning, it's not too late to change it.
This is like the beginning to the Harry Potter series (which I used to love as a child and have now over-read and over-analysed). The first page, I believe, begins with something saying that 'When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, grey Tuesday...Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked his most boring tie for work.' Ask yourself: when the author has already established an utterly boring scene of sameness and uniformity, do you really want to read on? What faith is the reader going to have in their ability to rack up something juicy and interesting?
I see what you're doing with separating that line out from the rest - it's supposed to create impact, make a statement of fact, be assertive. But the thing is...the line in itself needs a bit more life than the static image of everything being the same. It's better to start in media res - right in the middle of the action - and reveal details slowly, throughout the action (action-description-dialogue-reflection coming in quick succession and all) than to overload the reader with all the info at once. Though in your case, it's not really a question of ovreloading; it's more just setting the stage too meticulously before getting to the main story. Why not just jump in in the first place? I can see you're brimming with ideas on where this is going - why not just dive headfirst into the main action instead of beating around the bush?
So...first paragraph is a straight a simple character description. No plot, no action (no significant action, that is), no movement, which is why I say no life. This kind of paragraph better belongs in your own notes on the character and not in the story as jam-packed as that is. And why do you say that 'pink freaking fish...I would have traded anything to not have a pink room...walk around with my eyes closed...abyss of torment' [too melodramatic, this last one - too emo] - all of which imply the girl hates the pink colour and then go on to say 'this was me. Pink was my colour.' I don't get it - does she like pink or doesn't she? If the answer is both yes and no, you need to make that clearer.
Too much explanation and not enough action. Only Shakespeare could dole out entire acts before getting to the main story. I'm sure you've heard this before: show, don't tell. I feel like I'm being told here, not shown. Showing means subtly incorporating little nuggets of details throughout the action - telling is when you slap it all in the reader's face in one big go. I don't remember half of what I've read above because there's too much, and because I wonder how much of it is actually relevant. I mean, is there any need to describe each and every miniscule detail of your MC and their family to the reader? They've got imaginations, and if the description really does matter, then they'll remember it when you put it in. Putting in this amount of description means that none of it becomes siginificant, and hence all of it is hard to remember.
Now this is getting better.
The 'enjoying...unleashing' was completely unecessary. It's obvious she found that incredibly funny from the way she talked, just before. And the 'Normally, Ashta......' line - what's the point of it? Try and make your details count, rather than cramming every possible detail in there. Sometimes authors have too much information, sometimes not enough, and sometimes both - by which I mean too much unecessary information and not enough relevant information. It's all well and good to create the scene with details - in fact, I would most definitely encourage you to do so - but at the same time, it's good to remember that the details must matter in some way and not be thrown in there for the sake of details.
Do we really need this? I can tell the MC is sarcastic just from the way she said the line.
Overall, I still think you've got a good idea here. A novel that captures a similar idea of popularity and personal integrity is Ninteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. It's riveting, deep, fast-paced and just amazing. You might like to give it a read.
I hope that has been helpful. PM me if you have got further questions, have made changes or would like to discuss an aspect of your novel (actually, do PM me anyway since I'm rather curious to know exactly how the story is going to pan out) and I'd be happy to help.
Thank you for the advice! I was thinking the same things you said. I need to work on my vocabulary a little. lol But I will for sure take your criticism into account!
So, I actually liked this a lot. It was a pretty intriguing start; I've very interested to know the story behind her and her sisters and what they were made for and such.
So yeah, you kinda overdid it with all of those. I get it that he's stupid.
And then I don't really like the ""you bubble brain." Not a very good insult, in my book. I don't know how far you wanna go with the language and stuff in your story, so that affects what I'd suggest you change it too, but I think just a simple "you idiot" would be universally good. "You dumbass" would be good if you wanna go there with the language. Buuut that's all just my opinion.
And maybe just italicize the "NOT" instead of capping it, the capitalization is a little extreme and is just a big no-no in dialogue, usually.
Anyway, great start. I'm very interested to see how you continue this!