My adrenaline spiked and heart beat fast. It was almost time. My palms were sweating as I fiddled my thumbs. I twirled my hair until Kara looked at me.
“Calm down. This wont work unless were completely believable.” I nodded my head, but my heart rate didn’t slow. As we made sure the coast was clear, I scanned the perimeter without being spotted. When I saw the all clear sign from one of my colleagues I dashed back to our hiding place before anyone could spot up.
“All clear.” I reported to Kara.
“Good. Now remember our objective. You have to act like you belong there. Act like you own the place, because soon, we will.” I could hear her voice crack slightly with excitement. She could cover her emotions pretty well, but sometimes she let it seep through her calmness.
This had always been the plan. We had all been waiting to do this. Waiting, and watching. Maps were always laying on the table, writing scrawled over it. Money had been saved up just to be there at that very moment. Never, though, did any expect it to actually happen.
Sure, they put on a good show, they all were confident and positive on the outside, but on the inside, they were all thinking the same thing. That in the end, someone would crack and chicken out. They were all bark and no bite.
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140,122 Literary Works • 673,026 Reviews
Hello,
I liked the way you built up the tension but I have to say that I was dissapointed.
I don't know what you were on about at the end as you didn't explain enough or bring the story to a conclusion at all.
I think that if you expanded the idea it could have a lot of potential.
Good Luck with future writing projects.
Lydia
ps. great title I was drawn in by it because it is unsual.
hey
This is really cool a little short but really cool I can't wait to see more! I hope you have a great day and by the way I think it would be good to explain the looks of things like explain the room and the people! your fellow writer for Jesus.....
Horse
Hey funkyreg =]
I'm gonna take a shot at reviewing this for you!
First off, I like the title. It's different and caught my attention =]
I think the saying is 'twiddled my thumbs'
This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could add in a word to describe how she's playing with her hair. Is she doing it calmly? Casually? Nervously?
'won't
'we're'
Comma after 'colleagues' and do you mean 'up' to be 'us' ?
Also, you didn't mention that your MC (main character) moved away from Kara. One minute she's talking to her and then she's dashing back to her
As you have 'Maps' as plural, 'it' needs to be 'them'
So...
As this was short, I couldn't really gauge anything about the scene or the characters or the purpose of why they are where they are. I think this piece would definitely benefit if you add in some descriptions of the setting and maybe the characters. Does Kara look calm? Excited?
I agree with Light_Devil, in that the whole of the last paragraph was confusing. With-holding information from a reader to create suspense can be a good thing, but leaving too much information out can just leave the reader confused.
I hope you find this review useful =]
xDudettex
I liked it, but I think it ended too fast. It built up a lot of suspense and all that, but nothing really happened, or was explained. I mean, if it's going to be continued, then, maybe it would be better if the continuation is joined with this.
Basically, I felt a bit let down.
The characters... not enough. I can understand the characters' objectives, but apart from that, do they have lives? They do have anxiety and all that, but, well, it's all about the job. What are they doing anyway? Is this a legal business or is what they're doing illegal? Help me out here. No, wait, something about it suggests illegal. But anway, just give a little more.
Like I said, nothing really happened. I felt disappointed, really, about that, because it had potential.
Hello, I'm Light_Devil and I'll be your reviewer for the day. I'll be nice.
In blue I will have either picked out grammatical mistakes, spelling mistakes or just general things I find.
The only thing I can find slighly askew is the fact that nearly in a row you have used "My" to start a sentence, try rewording it.
There should be the start of a new paragraph here.
Highlighted in blue: How did you ensure the coast was clear?
Perhaps replace the "you" with "we" - seeing as she says "we" again later. Maybe I'm wrong.
Make these words into present tense, such as "here" and "this". It will add of a NOW feeling.
Last paragraph completely lost me. I have no idea what you are talking about here.
Overall:
I think this has good potential. I am curious as to where this story is going and to how the character personality produces itself. There are minimal grammatical and spelling mistakes, well done!
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.