A goodbye.

Hello!

First of all, this is a sad poem, but it wanders a bit, if you know what I mean. Focus more on one subject, and then explore it. (Use the five senses if you get stuck. )

Also, the rhythm is a bit off. For example:

you'd come along munching on a bag of chips,
and start meddling with my clips.

Everybody had seen the smile on face

Not wanting you to disappear from my sight

Great poem. It really depicts the saddness and the sarrowness within you. It also shows how you hide your true feelings for him and pretend to be happy.

I'd be siting lazily on the couch,
with my notebook and with a slouch. (This would be much better if it was, 'with a notebook and a slouch')
you'd come along munching on a bag of chips,
and start meddling with my clips.

Oh! How I miss those moments,
as I realise you have to go. (It should be 'realized')
Without you, life won't be the same
but I need to learn to live and grow.

I lie here, all by myself
thinking of the times we spent, (At the end, there should be, 'togethor')
thinking of your sleepy eyes,
dirty jeans and sweaty scent.

Everybody has seen the smile on face ('Everybody had', not 'has')
but no one saw the tears I cried,
I said I am so happy for you
but no one realised that I lied.

As you were leaving, I held your hand
Not wanting you to dissapear from my sight, (It should be 'disappear')
But you pushed me and walked away,
like the broken thread of a kite. (I like this)

As I said before, I really liked this. Correct your mistakes.

Good luck.

Broken thread of a kite....awesoem ending dear, loved it.

I exactly know how it feels because even my bro away for studies.

Anyhow this was though a sad poem it has got that sweetness and that loving feeling of a bro and a sis.I would call that a sweet attempt.


Hope your bro gets to read this piece .He must be glad.

Well done!

~Shine~

OK, so I have edited the first and last stanza like you'll said..
I replaced the "pouch" part with "slouch". What I actually meant by pouch was my compass where I keep stuff like pens and stuff but anywho, I have edited it.

As Matt said about the last stanza that all my lines rhyming is a bit annoying I have used the rhyme scheme A,B,C,B. Although, I did use the similie of a kite...

So yeah, keep the reviews coming guys, It was helpful but I could really use more help..
Luv you'll,
Fun4eva.

This is alright. It does seem in a lot of places that you were trying to rhyme just for the sake of rhyming, and while it's great when a poem has a solid structure and works with it really well, sometimes it is better to just use free verse, than to try to force the rhyming. Really, the first and last stanzas are guilty of this (what is a pouch?) and the rest of the poem doesn't seem so forced. The last stanza annoyed me a little because all the lines rhyme, even though I really liked the last line, it's a good use of a simile there. I can see the emotion behind this poem, and I also liked how you took one or two examples of scenes to illustrate your point, so good job.

Hi!
It's me ta-mara on my real account. I finally remembered the password!!
HAZZAH!

Anyways, you asked me to review this so here goes:

I believe realized is spelled with a "z" but in some cases, I have seen it spelled with a "s". I believe that many British people spell it that way. Or you were trying to make a point. Anyways, no other spelling/grammar errors that really caught my eye.

Overall: the poem struck some good pictures into my head and was relatively sweet (:
I felt like you had good word choice and kept me interested.
Personally, i thought this piece was much better than your other one.
HOWEVER, and don't get me wrong, I'm not just being picky.
There was a couple of the forced bits of ryhming that bothered me again.
And I don't think I'm being paranoid because I have read MANY MANNY MANNYYYY pieces of writing and I know when something sounds funny or seems really forced. I'll give you an example:

IN THE FIRST LINE!
Come on you gotta start it off by not forcing the reader or else they'll get boreddd

I'd be siting lazily on the couch,

with my notebook and a pouch.

====
A pouch?
How many people sit around with a pouch?
You are just ryhming for ryhme's sake here.
That bothered me.
i think you can see the other places in which you did this.
However, I do like the notebook part.

Also, I got somewhat of a feeling of a "Goodbye" but meh, it seemed also like a lot of remembering here. Also title-wise "Goodbye" is really a cliche. Try using a thesaurus for more interesting words for example, "Farewell" or something.

Chyea, so I enjoyed this piece.
Keep writing!

7/10
PM anytime you want.
And perhaps you could return the favour in the form of a review?

Thanks,
Tennis.

hii there.....

i am new here too
i appreciate the narration of your feelings which makes the reader realise the depth of sadness you are going through.
simple n expressive.....
good work
keep it up

hi fun4eva
welcome, im new here too

this poems shows a keen sorrow of the goodbye.
and i really like the contrast of the moments before and after it.
but i would say (not that all poems have to rhyme, or that i atually know anything about poetry) if your gonna have last letter words rhyme then you keep to a defind pattern. it makes it flow a little easier, and i always thought rhyming poetry sounded better hehe
but other wise its a very nice poem, straight from the heart
x

Welcome to YWS!

About this poem...well, it's rather sad, and I can see how much you miss your brother. It's simple, but it shows to readers how you feel, which was a good effect. It's good, but I think you can do better.

Hmm...there's only one obvious mistake I can point out: at the last stanza, 'dissappeared' should be spelt with a single 's'.

Well, that's all! Keep up the good work & good luck!